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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with sitting on my own every night

64 replies

brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:24

while dp puts DD to bed.

DD is 5, and DP has to lay with her until she falls asleep, and because he gets up early for work he falls asleep too.

DD wont have me do it, i wont do it, shes old enough to sleep by herself

I had DD sleeping alone at 3, DP caved in

I feel guilty because he has no evening, but mostly i feel pissed off because i spend most of my evenings on my own. I'm bored and lonely and feel that i can't even wallow in self pity becuase its not me having to lay up there with her all the time. When i address the issue my DP, wait for it............ tells me YABU

OP posts:
tillyfernackerpants · 14/01/2011 22:32

YANBU, but I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest, I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

TBH, I'm surprised your dp isn't fed up of it as well and is happy for it to continue.

Tryharder · 14/01/2011 22:35

YANBU.

Can't you go and wake him up once she's asleep. I would!

AgentZigzag · 14/01/2011 22:35

Why do you think he doesn't want to address it?

Is it because he wants to go to sleep but doesn't want to leave you alone each evening?

I don't think you should be feeling guilty if he's the one continuing it.

I take it he knows you're feeling lonely and bored? What did he say?

FabbyChic · 14/01/2011 22:36

At least he is home and you have someone. I spend every night alone, my son of 17 talks on Skype all night on his laptop and plays Xbox, I just sit here browsing.

You know where he is, go wake him.

charliesmommy · 14/01/2011 22:36

What time is she going to bed?

IloveJudgeJudy · 14/01/2011 22:39

YANBU. You and/or DH need to get this sorted immediately. DD is old enough to understand that she needs to go to sleep on her own. What would happen if one of you is away overnight, or she had to stay at someone else's house. You know this, but you are just making trouble for yourself in future.

Even if your DP wants to go to bed early, he still should leave DD to go to sleep on her own. Will he still be doing this when she's 18?

I would tell your DD that you're pleased she's such a big girl and that big girls go to sleep on their own. Offer her a reward as well as a star chart if she manages a whole week. Make it a good thing. Do you have anyone that she might want to stay the night with as part of the reward? A favourite aunt/uncle/GPs?

You just have to stay strong and it won't take too long. Good luck.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 22:39

Ah I'm with the others - go wake him.

What time does your DD go down? It can't be that late, and I'm sure your DH doesn't need as much sleep as your DD does. Just wake him, and then enjoy the evening together.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:41

charliesmommy, too late! that is an issue too because then she is grouchy the next day. Its pants because i want her to go to bed earlier for her own good but i cant do anything about it because he is the one who has to lay there so i can't dictate when he does it - i try but it ends in "words"

I totally take on board the fact that i know where he is, go wake him, sometimes i do but sometimes he gets grumpy, he does get up early leaves at 6am, often not home til 7.

So, thats the thing, i know that IABU but that fact doesnt stop me from feeling it

OP posts:
elephantjelly · 14/01/2011 22:42

YANBU

Don't let your daughter steal your man time!

Also 5 years old is too old for that sort of lark, time for a big girl talk.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:44

judgejudy, you are right, but my DP wont have it. I would be willing to do the crap week of shit nights in order to have some nice time together but its been going on for so long now. DD wasn't in bed before 9 tonight and i was Angry but DP says its because i dont want her around - well no, i dont when she is overtired, grouchy and bouncing off the walls because she is running on adrenalin and i just have to sit here looking at the clock and making subtle hints

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 22:45

YANBU - just in case I wasn't clear last time.

Why doesn't your DH want his daughter to go to bed independently at 5? Surely he can't find it a great way to spend every evening, especially mores if he falls asleep then wastes his evening too.

Talk to your DH, then both of you talk to DD - she is a big girl now and should sleep in her own bed alone.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 22:47

YANBU but you do have a few problems.

I would be asking why DH is avoiding you.

She's 5 - she needs to be putting herself to sleep - he's setting her up for a life time of sleep issues.

He's not valuing you or your relationship.

You do get a say - she's as much your daughter as his and YOU are the one dealing with the grumpy little madam the next day, not him.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 22:48

Also, it wont be doing her any favours at school (the going to sleep late bit).

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 14/01/2011 22:48

You need to kick this habit of hers (and his) asap, for your DD's sake as well as for you and him. IMO anyway.

DD was a brilliant sleeper until she came home from hospital after a severe bout of norovirus. Was so scared of her being sick that we stayed with her and it very quickly became ingrained, we'd stay and play on our phones/DS.

It was stressful stopping this but so worth it.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:48

He doesn't want her to be upset reindeer, says he doesnt mind bla bla bla, doens't want to deal with her throwing tantrums if she has to do bedtime alone. I have treied and tried and tried to get him to support me on this, but have given up really. I feel shit for feeling angry, after all, im sat down here guzzling red wine and facebooking while he is reading peter fecking rabbit.

On the nights that he is late home (rare) i do bedtime and can have DD asleep by 8. But really, i think it sould be story then cuddle nite nite

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/01/2011 22:51

What's he like when she can't get her own way and tantrums with other things?

Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:52

useless

OP posts:
Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:53

might see if he will come down now, wish me luck

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 22:57

He isn't helping her though, not in the long run.

You need to put her to bed every night (providing that she will go to sleep for you), even if he is there, just to show your DD who is in charge.

After a week he can help you put her to bed, then leave when you do, so she realises that you are a 'joined force' so to speak. She should then be able to settle when he puts her to bed and leaves her there.

Often the hardest parenting is the best, the easy route tends to lead to behave we don't want (your DH sleeping with DD every night and not with you).

AgentZigzag · 14/01/2011 22:58

I can understand because DC can be quite alarming in their ferocity sometimes.

But that's when you've got to be their parent and not a friend, and be parents together, not having a 5 YO know her dad doesn't like to see her upset.

How were his parents with him? At one extreme or the other and either too strict or too much freedom?

Original poster
brightlightsandpromises · 14/01/2011 22:59

she wont have it reindeer when he is home, christ i seem weak and pathetic

Just been up, he is now asleep on our bed, i think chipping in may have a point!

OP posts:
A1980 · 14/01/2011 23:30

Try supernanny's bedtime routine. Best try it over a weekend when you're both around and not had a long day at work

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 11:02

What time did he start putting her to bed last night?

Honestly - you need to make him see that this isn't good for her (lack of sleep, dependancy on him to get her to sleep) and that it's certainly not good for your relationship.

There is obviously some problem otherwise he wouldn't want to spend every evening in her room/your room and would actually want to spend time with you.

This isn't about her - it's about him.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/01/2011 11:11

I could have written your op. My dd has just turned 3 and dh would let me take her to bed but the effect is the same. One of us is upstairs with her and the other is downstairs kicking around on their own.

SantosLHalper · 15/01/2011 11:24

It seems like you dp has a strange relationship with dd? She seems to have more power in your relationship than you do.