To be pissed off with sitting on my own every night

[brightlightsandpromises]

while dp puts DD to bed.

DD is 5, and DP has to lay with her until she falls asleep, and because he gets up early for work he falls asleep too.

DD wont have me do it, i wont do it, shes old enough to sleep by herself

I had DD sleeping alone at 3, DP caved in

I feel guilty because he has no evening, but mostly i feel pissed off because i spend most of my evenings on my own. I'm bored and lonely and feel that i can't even wallow in self pity becuase its not me having to lay up there with her all the time. When i address the issue my DP, wait for it............ tells me YABU

It sounds very strange. Why doesn't he want to be alone with you?

My twins are 5 so I sympathise. They are very strong-willed stubborn buggers. But I'm the parent. I dictate bedtime and there's no way I would lie down with them.

Good luck. I hope you get it resolved.

It sounds like he is using your daughter as a way to avoid you - so clearly there is more to this than him having no backbone as a father.

If she goes to bed earlier and without all the fuss when he isn't there, then she obviously can do it, she is just choosing not to.
He is allowing himself to be manipulated by a 5 year old.

He's not doing her any favours in the long run. At best she'll feel tired and grumpy, at worst she'll turn into a spoilt little madam who rules her parents and tries to rule everyone else and gets everyone's back up in the process.

My BIL is a bit like this with his DD. Now she's at school she's having major problems fitting in with the routine. Everything she's asked to do by her mum is a battle, because my niece knows if she runs to daddy he'll always take her side. Children need to know who's in charge at home, and definitely need to know that they can't play off one parent against the other.

Tell him it's not on anymore and your DD deserves and needs a proper bedtime routine just like any other child. Your DH is not being a responsible parent IMO.

And that's without even starting on totally neglecting his relationship with you!

It does sound to me like he doesn't want to spend time with you at the moment, and I think you need to get to the bottom of why that is. If he valued your relationship he would either put her to bed earlier or stop staying with her. It sound like you get virtually no time together as a couple.

And as others have said, what he is doing is absolutely not in your DD's best interests in the long run. It might be worth asking him how long he is willing to continue it for- if he thinks it's fine for a five year-old, what about at 7? 9? 11? At some point he will have to face the inevitable tantrums. The sooner the better IMO.

five years old is still young for some chidren to settle on their own if they are a nervy anxious child that is terrified of the dark and is an only child who cant share a room with an older sibling, i had this trouble with my youngest child and no amount of talking, consoling or shouting made the slightest difference,in end we dumped his bed in with his sibling and he went to sleep happy, so what i would do if you feel you cant break this habit just yet is to start her bedtime routine at 7pm sharp and stick to your guns and then if DP has to spend 40/50 mins with her it is still early enough for you two to have some sort of evening together, and ask him to sit on end of bed with her not lie down all snuggled up with her of course he will drop off to sleep this time of the year all dark and warm, but you arent alone this IMO happens to alot of families but it doesn't last

My dd is 6 and needs sat with sometimes at night to settle. Its the control element from dh and the sense he and dd are excluding op from relationship that makes me uneasy.

At 5 or 6 they do not need someone to sit with them while they go to sleep - you are allowing them to develop this habit and are not teaching them to go to sleep by themselves - the later you leave this the harder it is for them. Give them techniques to help them go to sleep - but don't sit with them, you are not doing them any favours.

I agree with chippingIn - not good in the long run. It would be fine if everyone is happy, but clearly you aren't.

yanbu - but you have made a rod for your won back and you and dh MUST support each other

your dd is running rings round you

fancy letting a 5yr tell you what to do - you are the adult, she is the child

she needs to learn to get to sleep by her self

dh needs to spend some time with you

maybe dh needs to stay at work later for a few nights and you get her to bed at a decent time

at 5yr she should be in bed b 7pm and ideally asleep

if need be bribe/do sticker chart etc for every night she stays by her self and sleeps

make sure room is not to hot/cold/dark/light etc

does sh then sleep in her bed all night?

at my dp having a strange relationship with DD, not sure what you mean by that!

She does sleep in her bed all night.

Last night, I went up to wake him (he falls asleep most nights, he IS tired) and he had gone to our bedroom - he says he does this to try and get dd to sleep on her own, it was working for a while. Anyway, he came down about half an hour later, fell asleep on the sofa - i woke him and told him i was going to bed,he said he would be up in a minute, errr hour later i came down to fetch him, because i dont want to be woken at 2am when he finally comes to bed but he moaned at me for nagging him.

go figure!

Hes at work today and DD is tired but happy.

I disagree that it means OP's DH doesn't want to spend time with her.

I have a very similar situation with dd1 who is 4.7. I lie down with her every night til she gets to sleep. She sleeps with dd2 and they both go to bed together. Still breastfeeding dd2 so not easy for DH to settle her.

DD1 got used to this routine when dd2 was a baby. She handled the arrival of a new sibling very well but she did miss having me to herself so it became part of the routine that I would go and lie down with her til she fell asleep. And since it worked we just kept it as part of the routine.

Sometimes like you DH, OP, I fall asleep and miss out on an evening with DH but it isn't personal. I am not trying to avoid him.

Your DH sounds very like me. I hate seeing the dds upset and have made life more difficult for myself in some ways.

It is very difficult to change a bedtime routine if everyone isn't ready for the change.

thats the thing sulle - he doesn't want to change it, he is happy wih it as it is. But it means that sometimes DD is still awake at 9pm, last night it was even later. In all fairness it was me who used to lay with DD in the first place, but i got it sorted and then she was poorly with a virus one time and ever since then DP has done it.

We literally spend NO time alone together, EVER. He is a builder and i do his admin, but trying to talk to him about stuff with DD around is impossible as they are in their own little bubble, to the point that i struggle to interact with DD because its just him and her and me tagging along for the ride. So now the business is suffering too. I dont have the energy to challenge it anymore though.

His answer when i say we must try and change things is "oh so you want her screaming the place down all night and having to keep running up and down the stairs then" err yeah, because i know it wont last and in the long term it is better for DD. As for our relationship, in all honesty, its past saving :(

Sometimes one parent can just not believe that things can ever be different. So the habit becomes intrenched because any attempt at changing it causes mayhem.

I suspect that he really is knackered and taking DD up to bed gives him an excuse to go to bed early without feeling a wimp or guilty. He is doing a good thing, being a good parent and not just sloping off to bed.

My OH works evenings so isnt around at bedtime. I tend to take the younger ones up at 7 and sort of go to bed myself. I dont actually go to sleep at 7.30 but I cant wait to get in my PJs and watch tv or log on to Mumsnet.

I have been shocked to find myself all jammied up with makeup removed by 7.30 on quite a few occassions

X post sorry.

I'm very sorry to hear that brightlights
Have you talked to him about it? Does he really know how badly you feel excluded?

I wish I had an answer for you about the bedtime but you are right - she probably would scream the house down for a few nights and get over, as would my dd but at the moment I don't feel I have the willpower to stick it out. I think it is worse to start the change and not carry through though - it is more confusing and upsetting then.

'trying to talk to him about stuff with DD around is impossible as they are in their own little bubble, to the point that i struggle to interact with DD because its just him and her and me tagging along for the ride.'

I think this is what the poster means by your DP having a strange relationship with your DD, excluding you completely.

I wouldn't be happy at all with that either.

'As for our relationship, in all honesty, its past saving'

Oh

I missed that bit.

Thing is, my DP is a good dad, he is brilliant and he is a kind and loving man and everyone thinks he is great.

We have been through a rough few years financially and are slowly getting straight again, but of course running a business is stressful. He says he still loves me and i do still love him but i think if we were both honest we would admit that we are still together because of DD and the fact that it would be financially impossible for us to separate. I would have to be the one to leave to be honest as i just couldn't take DD away from her daddy, she would be devestated. I can't bear to be away from her, but i know that she would be ok without me, if that makes sense. She does love me but its her daddy that she runs to when she hurts herself etc :( So, we wont split i don't think, its just too impractical and we rub along ok most of the time. Its just the coupleness has gone - shit, how selfish am i, this should be about sorting DDs bedtime but ive made it all about me! Me missing time with DP etc. Sex life is OK, not as frequent as before but we have our moments, and probably have more sex than most of my friends, but sex isnt what im craving, its companionship.

oh and because of the bed time issue, us ever going out together just doesn't happen as we can't have a babysitter. We used to go out for an indian occasionally as that was the only place that you can pitch up at 10pm, but my mum isnt so much of a night owl now so that doesnt happen anymore. She would happily babysit earlier but DD woulnt go to bed then.

Could it just be a phase your marriage is going through at the min?

I know that sounds like a platitude, but it can go up and down depending on how stressful other things are in your life.

You just seem so resigned to your 'fate' but still love him, I want to give him a kick to make him see how much he's hurting you, ridiculous as I don't even know you!

Goodness you talk about you being pathetic when it is your husband who is a spinless pathetic wimp. I would be absolutely fuming as your daughter is completely ruling the roost and she knows it. She knows to have a tantrum if you try and change although as your husband is too cowardly to change things you are fighting a losing battle. What a prat.

Aww, thanks agentzigzag, you can borrow my doc martens to kick him up the bum if you like. I do love him very much, we are very stressed and i do wonder if i should grow up and not expect the romance after all this time but i dont half miss it!

Trifle, i get that too!!

I love a good pair of DMs - classic footware

It's not static though, if it's changed to what you have at the moment there's nothing to say it won't change again to something more positive when you're both less stressed.

You miss him, you don't need to do any growing up, it's good you still want him.