To be pissed off with sitting on my own every night

[brightlightsandpromises]

while dp puts DD to bed.

DD is 5, and DP has to lay with her until she falls asleep, and because he gets up early for work he falls asleep too.

DD wont have me do it, i wont do it, shes old enough to sleep by herself

I had DD sleeping alone at 3, DP caved in

I feel guilty because he has no evening, but mostly i feel pissed off because i spend most of my evenings on my own. I'm bored and lonely and feel that i can't even wallow in self pity becuase its not me having to lay up there with her all the time. When i address the issue my DP, wait for it............ tells me YABU

Agent - I'll hold him while you kick him if you like.

Brightlights - you say you love him and he loves you? If so, you need to talk. Otherwise it really will get beyond being able to fix.

You say DD goes to bed just fine when he's not there - so you both need to tell her she's a big girl now and big girls go to bed by themselves. Then he needs to stay out until after bedtime for a few nights while you establish the routine. After that you may have a couple of nights where she kicks off - but such is life.

He needs to understand he's prioritising either DD or an easy life over your relationship and if he continues to do so, he does at his peril.

She's not a baby - you don't need to be arranging your life around her settling at night - he needs to understand that he't not doing her any favours.

Also, and very importantly, she sees a lot more of you - it's quite natural that she goes to Daddy when he's there - it doesn't mean that if you were the one to leave it would be less devastating for her - you are her rock.

You don't need to 'grow up' that's not the issue

brightlights - I am going to say something which may enrage many MNetters wo do thing like long term co-sleeping with babies/toddlers and have sleep issues with older children.

I truely believe from closely observing the children of several sets of friends that some children do bully and control their parents and that can start from a very very young age.

I know we all think our children are innocent but in reality they are incredibly selfish and if allowed to do so take advantage of our unconditional love for them.

I also think that perhaps your DD has picked up on the issues between your DH and you. I also think that daughters in particular compete for attention from their father against their mother. I have seen it in very stark detail at my DSs school which is mostly a girls school. The way that some girls act with their fathers is frankly very manipulative and the relationship with their mother is totally different. One little girls insists in being carried into school in the arms of her Dad with tearful, mournful, heartrending, multiple goodbye and kisses, etc. Yet she walks sensibly into school with her Mum and runs off to play with her friends when he isn't there.

I think you should gather all your courage and tackle the issue head on. You need to face down your daughter and perhaps your DH. You need to establish your position as Alpha female in your family.

Incidentally, I have some friends where the opposite problem has happened. Two sons making their parents' life hell with sleep issues at age 8 and 10!

The older son dominates his father and verbally and physically abuses his mother. The younger son always sleeping in parents bed to counter the dominance of the older son.

Your husband is using your fdaughter to avoid spending time with you.

Perhaps try a different tactic - I completely agree with all the other posters that your DP shouldn't be spending so much time with your DD and can understand he is doing it just for an easy life - but he won't change unless he wants to so maybe you will have to be the one that changes; why not find something you can do for yourself a couple of evenings a week? My DH is a little bit like this with our DS (not so much the bedtime routine but a feeling of them being best friends and I am left out) - now I go to the gym most evenings; I have a great time, meet other adults and get a work out; I feel a lot better for it.

Would something like this work for you?

Evenings can be very lonely. But at least you have someone there to eat dinner with & sleep by your side. I am single & find it very difficult when the children have gone to bed.

It's worse to be alone because you're being ignored than to be alone because you'rew alone.

Yes I guess, but waking up alone is still horrible

hmmm, ok, some wise words here.

If i am fair, both of us are at fault.

If you were to put a gun to my head, i would probably say that no, my DP isn't avoiding me, he is just knackered. He leaves at 5.30 to 6.30 every morning, commutes at least two hours to work depending on traffic, there and back. Often he doesn't get in til 7, so will have dinner then put DD to bed because i am tapping my feet come 8pm. So, laying on the bed is what he is doing wrong becuase he falls asleep, some nights he will go and lay on his bed and dd is ok with that as he has said - i'll go lay on my bed you call me when you want to go sleep - i know i know its but his logic is that she will fall asleep on her own, and often she does, althoguh she is wising up to this. So he will often fall asleep in our bed, but this time, we are talking half nine. I will often leave him there because if i do go and get him and he does come down, he will often sit up and watch TV or fall asleep on sofa til 1am and then he is buggered up the next day.

SO................WTF do I do!

In a few weeks his work will be more local, the next road even! He will be less knackered, will have got in earlier so can spend time with DD - i guess that is an issue for her because if daddy doesnt get in til 7 then the only time she does get to spend with him is when he puts her to bed, he is still at work now!! I am going to insist that we try and put this straight.

I am guilty because he will rightly point out that i will sit on the lap top anyway when he comes down, yep, because i have often got into conversation on facebook while he is upstairs and also, he has shit taste in tv, but he usually wins because theres bugger all on that i particularly want to watch. He is going to take a few days off work too so we can get some time together between these two jobs.

Felt i needed to put his side really so you dont all think hes a complete twat. He really really isn't. Annoying, a bit weak and pathetic when it comes to being wrapped completely round his DDs finger (sometimes i thnk its adorable!) and a bit hapless, but he does everything he does for us, works so hard and i love him very much. I am very very difficult to live with, and will freely admit to being a spoilt brat myself.

See, i did sleep in my dads bed til i was 10 I have put my foot down there though, she aint coming in the bed!! no no no no NO!

cherry, yeah excellent point
coldtits yep, excellent point too
tis time for a change!

Ahhhhhhhhh now the truth comes out

No, seriously, I think it's great he's taking some time off and I hope over this time you can talk to him and make him see what's happening... after all you don't want to create another 'you' do you??

heaven forfend chipping!

Try and hang in there, this is only a temp. situation while she is young. As long as your dh works that shift your children will not see a lot of him on work nights. Perhaps on his days off he can get her to bed a 7, if she stays awake for an hour, then begin putting her down at 6-6:30.

I sure wouldn't throw in the marriage towel over this. Better a loving nurturing father than a selfish father stuck in front of a tv drinking beer watching sports or playing video games. I know a young lady who would love to have a dp like yours. Hers ( is a useless immature "gangsta" who doesn't come home for days, and has no income.
Count your blessings!

Yes onmyfeet, you are absolutely right - i am, in many ways, very lucky