...to feel angry at an ASP's Mum [sad]

[WelshSara]

Can I just say before I start that I'm not argumentative, don't like public slanging matches and try my very best to be fair to all.

Daughters and I went to a mini fairground last week and whilst helping my little girls (5 and 2 and half) onto a ride - youngest was wedged between my knees and 5 yr old was next to me as I was fiddling with the door latch of a fire engine - when we were shoulder-charged out of the way by I'm guessing an 8 yr old boy (quite a strapping lad). My immediate reaction was that he was clumsily helping me open the door, but he opened the door, slapped my hand off the frame, jumped in and slammed the door shut.

I was not impressed! "That's not very nice, is it?" were my only words, and then his Mum behind me proceeded to unleash her anger for my discriminating against her son. "He has Asperger's, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, how dare you!". My kids at this point were really bewildered so I just replied, "Am not psychic - perhaps you should assist him more on these rides, instead of shouting anger from the sidelines when he pushes other kids out of the way!" or words to that effect, and walked away to a different ride. His Mum followed me, still ranting!

Anyway, am still shaking about it - am not confrontational at all, but I felt a bit bullied to be honest. Did I handle it badly? Should I have said nothing at all? I worked for many a year with older Autistic adults (not that I need to say this) so I like to think I'm fair with everyone.....

goblin how brilliant!!!

My boy started a SN school last year. I got all the how will he make friends there from his old teacher AND the SENCO officer at children's services (really).

In his first week he had a best friend and had been invited to a birthday party.

Dear reader, I cried.

I hope it goes really well Goblin try not to hover

I won't hover, much food of a grazing nature has been bought and I'll be doing gardening stuff. Near enough if there's a problem, far enough not to be listening in.
They have a shared interest in art and steampunk, and a similar taste in literature.
That plus crisps and pizza should be enough.

MrsDevere I too get a lot out of your posts here-stay please!

I cannot tell you how much some if these posts cheer me up. Getting a lot of strength from them. People on here writing with total awareness of my daily life. That constant tension from the moment you leave the house.

My morning:

Get ds up, always a struggle he was still up at midnight last night.
Give ds his breakfast, he eats his cereal one piece at a time and it takes about forty minutes to an hour.
Get ds dressed, he is 8 but has to be prompted constantly, if I didn't tell him what to wear and in what order he would miss stuff out and leave the house half dressed.
Make sure he has his sensory rubber chew and particular brand of crisps for mid morning snack, different brand or flavour will provoke a meltdown, yes unhealthy crisps for school snack? I would weep with joy if he would ever eat a banana!
Take to school, prompt him to reply to any neighbour greetings, tell him what he should say appropriately.
Drop off, handover to one to one, this is always tricky,
will he/ won't he kick off as I go to leave? It's the luck of the draw.
Go home, tear round doing all my jobs at home, while listening for the phone, will school ring or won't they? Yes there's the phone, my stomach lurches, I want to cry, I know who it is, no one else ever rings in the morning, ds is melting down, drag dd away from whatever she is doing (deal with THAT tantrum).
Get to school, ds totally lost it, red face, screaming, crying, tense, probably hit someone, spend however long it takes calming down, avoid looking at passing
teachers judgemental faces, hope today isnt a headmaster lecture day ("this can't go on ms shimmery").
Go home wait for the phone to ring again, so tense I sometimes put my head down on the desk and let it
wash over me till it subsides.

And that's just the morning!

Sort of think I have the right to decide whether or not to be pissed off because someone refers to my son as a snake!

Oh and I am a single parent with no friends, the two I had dropped me when ds was going through diagnosis, no mums ever talk to me at school, don't know what to say I suppose.

It's not easy that's for sure, but I wouldn't change a thing, I feel honoured to have ds as my son.

I used to check my emails at break, lunchtime and before I went home, to see if there'd been an incident.
He had the same list of stuff for his packed lunch for 6years, then changed a sandwich filling, stuck with that for 4 years and has begun to experiment a little now he's in Y11.
Dealt with the hissing geese in the playground for the whole of primary, it's worse if they know you are a teacher.
Yes, we are up the same creek, but in my case, it is getting cleaner and we've found the paddle!

I just want to reply to the posts along the lines of 'I know someone with an AS child and they have taught the child manners and don't use it as an excuse etc ..'
AS is a syndrome and often accompanied by other conditions - you just cannot compare one child with AS against another to judge behaviour. I seriously doubt that there really ate parents out there who use their child's AS an an 'excuse' to let them run wild.

There are some parents who just give up for a while, because they just can't carry the load.
Usually they pick up and keep on trudging after a while.
Because what else can you do?

Yes I am thinking of recording that on my iPhone and playing it back to the next person who says "he cant be autistic, he talks/is affectionate/well he's not like rainman!"

"no two children with ASD are the same, that is why it is called Autism spectrum Disorder (glad they are thinking of changing that to condition btw) and it is a VERY wide spectrum".

Parents who have a child with this syndrome: When your child has a meltdown, particularly if that involves hurting my child, how do you expect the rest of us to react - this is not a trivial question, as I say, I think we need to have this discussion - what do you want us to do?

Oh and BTW cornslik, I know parents who are delighted to have the excuse - but I think they are in a minority?

Goblin- same sandwich filling every day for years? Like Harriet the Spy! (love that book)

As was said a few pages back, a child with AS looks normal (well my ds does if I help him chose his clothes in the morning!)

They have such a range of disabilities even telling someone my ds has As does not tell them all they need to know.

recently in a hall my ds went up into a balcony, I saw him there and asked him to come down and went to the bottom of the stairs to meet him as he climbed down.

I got there to find a woman climbing the stairs shouting at him to come down. he replied
"I can't if you are on the stairs can I" She went red and shouted back "I'm going down now come straight down, I told you children were not allowed up there"

he replied "but I'm not a child"

before she shouted again I said, please you need to be more gentle with him, he has AS.

She then turned on me, but thankfully a more understanding woman stepped next to her to calm her down.

I know my ds should not have been up there, he was coming down, but now I can't go back to that hall as I'm embarrassed and cross

I don't think that AS chooses children with good parents any more than any other. I'm quite certain there is the same proportion of shit parents of children with AS as of NT children. Maybe some will rise to the challenge and be cope better than if they had strong parents, but I wouldn't bank on it. So there must be at least some parents who use the AS as an excuse, probably with immense with relief.

Goblin my ds has the exact same pac ken lunch every day, ham on crusty bread, I bake those half baked loaves each morning. Pushing three years now, can't see it changing any time soon .

mrsnonsmoker thank you for asking that question. Personally if my son has hurt another I would rather the parent tell me (including what it is that their child may have done to start it off if that is the case).

I will then calm my child down and ask him to apologise when he is stable enough.

If he is having a tantrum, give me a smile and ask if you can help. It would normally be to look after my dd while I calm ds down.

That is all assuming you know the child has AS

I/m sorry, that was very garbled.

I meant: Maybe some will rise to the challenge and cope better than if they had NT kids, but I wouldn't bank on it.

React as you would to an NT child hurting your child. I don't think anyone expects someone NOT to be upset when there has been an issue like that. Certainly what I am sensing in these situations is the general feeling that my ASD child shouldn't even BE there if he has that condition, keep him away from our "normal" kids and out of our "normal" areas and lives if he is going to behave like that! That is what angers me personally.

MrsNonSmoker I would expect you to react according to your instincts, which I expect are to protect your own child and be cross with any risk to that.

My post wasn't to reprimand the OP for her outspoken words at the time. It was to point out that learning that the child had AS should have meant she was able to understand the incident a bit better and not have spent over a week stewing on it getting crosser.

It was also to point out that the AS child's bad behaviour might not have occured if the mother had been getting proper respite, support and possibly a carer to accompany her on outings etc. I would like to add, appropriate education too as in the SN world, particularly with disabilities schools are often working against parents rather than with them. This ultimately prevents the child from the consistency that is required for learning better behaviour.

So, ideally, rather than coming onto MN and complaining, you would find out about local service gaps in provision and use your anger to write a strong worded letter to your MP.

I've followed the whole thread since my last posting with interest, sometimes with dismay and, if I'm honest, a bit cheesed off at times.
Since I couldn't find a way of editing my title, I considered getting the thread pulled - the last thing in the world I wanted to do was to offend, but thought I would learn far more by leaving it there. I'm glad I have - besides the fact I need to study the acronym list a bit better and check my spelling - I can understand perhaps a tiny bit more what you are up against if your kids are on the Autistic spectrum.

That said, there are a few things I want to add: I wasn't cross with the lad, nor with the way he shoved us, to be honest I was only slightly bothered by his Mum's immediate response. What dug at me was the way she followed me and my kiddies around after the ride finished, pointing and glaring and almost challenging me to a public showdown. There is NO question that her life isn't a bed of roses, but it honestly felt that I was the catalyst to vent her fury. In the absence of a friend or husband at this fair, we left because I didn't want my girls to notice how shaken I was.

Shimmerysilverglitter I was exhausted reading your typical morning routine - you have a lot on your plate, and no, I can't possibly imagine what things are like for you, but please, I did not refer to your son as a snake. I didn't refer to anyone's child as a snake. I try my very best to teach my girls to not stare, to smile and show friendship, that it's ok to be curious and ask questions why someone is different but that it's not ok to judge. I may not always have the answer, but I will try.

One of the lads in my 5yr old's class was forever gossiped about in the yard - he's destructive, has hurt other kids, is non-verbal. All the Mum's seemed to talk about him as the class nightmare and 'harmful' to their angels; I didn't like that his life was 'marked' and judged at such a young age and always tell my daughter to be fair, and that everyone needed a friend. They're not bosom buddies, and she will often tick him off lol, but he's never hurt her, and she won't ever say a bad word about him. I have the same, simple philosophy. I won't ever judge you or your children for having behavioural difficulties - I'd more likely offer support or a kindly word (or a cuppa) if I could.

StartingAfresh I don't feel my words were outspoken at all at the time. I'm fairly quiet and mild-mannered and said what I said in a mild way, no confrontation, no aggro.I can totally understand the incident, totally. It was his mum's reaction afterwards that shook me, and her using my initial reaction as a chance to rage. And far from being cross, and "coming on MN and complaining", I just thought I'd try and see it in a different light somehow. It has played on my mind. I'm not a great talker in RL. These forums are about expressing/discussing what goes on in members lives, aren't they? I just thought I'd get it off my chest. shrugs

"So ideally, rather than coming onto MN and complaining, you would find out about local service gaps in provision and use your anger to write a strong worded letter to your MP".
Really?

Apologies for the epic - it's taken 3 sittings to get this done - youngest has chronic health problems and wakes regularly. You deserve a medal if you get this far smile

sorry, not smile, it was meant to be a . Mumsnet is a learning curve!