...to feel angry at an ASP's Mum [sad]

[WelshSara]

Can I just say before I start that I'm not argumentative, don't like public slanging matches and try my very best to be fair to all.

Daughters and I went to a mini fairground last week and whilst helping my little girls (5 and 2 and half) onto a ride - youngest was wedged between my knees and 5 yr old was next to me as I was fiddling with the door latch of a fire engine - when we were shoulder-charged out of the way by I'm guessing an 8 yr old boy (quite a strapping lad). My immediate reaction was that he was clumsily helping me open the door, but he opened the door, slapped my hand off the frame, jumped in and slammed the door shut.

I was not impressed! "That's not very nice, is it?" were my only words, and then his Mum behind me proceeded to unleash her anger for my discriminating against her son. "He has Asperger's, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, how dare you!". My kids at this point were really bewildered so I just replied, "Am not psychic - perhaps you should assist him more on these rides, instead of shouting anger from the sidelines when he pushes other kids out of the way!" or words to that effect, and walked away to a different ride. His Mum followed me, still ranting!

Anyway, am still shaking about it - am not confrontational at all, but I felt a bit bullied to be honest. Did I handle it badly? Should I have said nothing at all? I worked for many a year with older Autistic adults (not that I need to say this) so I like to think I'm fair with everyone.....

Actually, I WASN'T offended by the title, so it just goes to show really, particularly as no offence was intended.

And I agree, following the op round, having a go was completely out of order.

So curly, do you do all that with your child then all or most of the time? I'm impressed!

I wasn't offended by the title either btw.

Myrrhy, I did when we were out and my ds was younger. That's why I used to dread full on days out to the zoo and such like, because it can be hard work and very draining. I would certainly be supervising him getting n and off of a fairground ride, for safety more than anything.

I don't need to as much now thankfully, although there are still times when I give him more attention than I think my other ds would need at the same age.

I saw a 8/9 year old boy in Clarks at the weekend - stood in the middle of a very busy shop scrutinising the back of a Mr Bean DVD Boxset - with a badge on that explained what his name was, that he was Autistic and that he didn't always understand and giving a mobile number if he got lost. I momentarily felt a bit sorry for him at having to be labelled but I guess there are times that it could be useful. TBH though, the boys parents were ace, very attentive of him and guiding him to where they needed him to be. He did have both with him at the time though which would ahve made things easier.

Ignoring the title - Op, I don't think you were being unreasonable. Aspergers or not, he should have been being supervised more closely if he was liable to behave like that. I can understand why the mother might be stressed and snappy, it must be very hard work, but she had no right to follow you round screaming at you. Try to forget it and move on now. No point making yourself further upset by something you cannot change.

I took my baby to the playground in France about 6 months ago. There was one of those swinging baskets things in the teenagers' bit so I went on it with her as she was only 9 months at the time. After about 5 minutes a mother turned up with her two children- a girl of about 12 and a boy of about 7 or 8. It very quickly transpired that the boy was on the AS and really really wanted the basket I was in even though there was others available. I could hear him saying again and again that he wanted that basket. His mother however reasoned with him repeatedly and explained that he couldn't have it until we had gone. I offered to leave the basket so that they could have it but she said "no, no, he has to learn he can't have everything he wants when he wants it." I didn't want to undermine her so I stayed for a few more minutes and then got up and left it for them.

The point is that she was able to discipline him despite his aspergers, and make him behave well socially. It certainly is possible.

Sounds like the mother you came across maybe has a very tricky boy or is not coping as well.

My friend has managed to teach her quite severely Asperger's son a vast amount of useful social behaviour. It took effing years but she has done a fantastic job with him and he is perfectly pleasant to be with. He will never be able to live alone (he would not look after himself, wash etc, and daily life would be very difficult for him) but he is very sociable.

[yawn]

The threads are getting a bit boring .

What is a ASP parent?, my dd has Aspergers but im not a ASP parent and she is not ASP (she has AS, ASPERGERS SYNDROME), some children/adults with Aspergers are a bit rough handed, mainly due to sensory isues, Aspergers effects they way a child/adult handles social situations, some children/adults may be extra shy (run away from people) others may be full on in your face (no idea of personal space). You can teach a child with AS about personal space, how to be around people but this can take a lot longer than it would with a nt child and there maybe times when they are distracted by something going on (excitement of being somewhere different for example) and the rules of personal space may be pushe to the back of their mind.

Yes the mother should have been watching her ds and should have stepped in but its not the boys fault and it is hard to keep a close eye on a child (she may have had other children to watch and took her eyes of him for a minute).

My dd1 can be very in your face but is slowlly learning to stay away (don't get too close) to people who don't know her, there are times where she may over step the mark and i am always quick to remind her how she should behave.

Thanks for all your comments - I've taken everything on board. For those of you who've not read through all the posts, I again apologise for offence caused with the title - am new to the board and only found the huge list of abbreviated words - I got this one wrong. It's clearly a sensitive issue. It helps to see it from another point of view and I shall 'move on' now lol.
Just to clarify - wasn't trying to kick something off or start a trolling post - just wanted reassurance I suppose for something that upset me (at the time) and has played on mind since.

Thanks all

Its just mumsnet seems to be very anti-Aspergers today .

it's just got a few trolls on, they are just picking on a "controversial" subject in order to have a barney, not worth worrying about!

Thanks Fanjo, i can't helped getting wound up , wish i could stop myself from posting on the nasty threads .

YABU

MN is shockingly anti HFA/Aspergers on a regular basis. Only thing I dislike about it. The ignorance displayed is breath taking on occasion.

Shimmerysilverglitter

Seems like bashing ADHD has got boring/old hat.

So now its our[parents of children with AS] turn.

Walk a mile in our shoes...etc etc

It is the fact that there is no outrage about it that bugs me. Post a racist thread, even one stemming from ignorance rather than true racism and you will be roasted to a cinder, quite rightly, but the truly most vulnerable ie SN children are fair game and people either steam on to agree, with tales of their experiences at the hands of these kids and their parents or just say nothing at all. Makes me sick it really does.

I used to be so worn out and bewildered at my son (he has been diagnosed with dyspraxia and Autistic Spectrum disorder - mild). I would alternate between being fiercely protective and possibly a bit glaring eyed at people who drew their children away from his constant squealing and wierd noises (couldn't speak etc)and giving in and hiding from society and play groups. Id do the shopping during the middle of the night with him (he NEVER EVER slept) to avoid human life, so no one could comment on him. I hated people judging him and me. It was also embarrising. And I loath beyond belief that he was judged by his behaviour, not by the sweet precious soul he is.

I suspect that poor woman that was rude to you was an exhausted mum, much like I was, just trying to do a normal thing like let her son have a go on a funfair ride, and yet again it didn't work out that way for her.

My ds ASD, possibly dyspraxic, he is almost 8, he still can't dress himself properly in the morning, can't process it, I have to sit with him and tell him what to do, when he is dressed he cannot adjust his clothing to feel comfortable, cannot do that thought process. He once went into the school toilet and his trousers came off, he didn't know how to put them back on again and sat in there for an hour till someone went to find him , imagine that was YOUR child you none believers. This is just one of the problems me and him deal with on a daily basis.

I am fiercely, fiercely protective of him, I have to be, he can't do it for himself. He is a sitting duck and everyone always has something to say. I thought that about that woman too matureunistudent when I read that thread, couldn't even be arsed to respond to it though. Had had a particularly bad day.

A member of staff at his school suggested his ASD was down to my parenting, I had a multi disciplinary meeting a week or two later that she was at and had to take my other child with me, for two hours my 3 year old dd sat and drew, coloured, did puzzles etc hardly interrupting the meeting at all and when she did she whispered to me. So how do you explain that all of you who put it down to our poor parenting.

Don't know why I am writing this really, these threads just make me so bloody angry.

this thread, not that thread.

Well put mature - me too - fiercely protective / hiding, hating the judging / being embarrassed.

On a good day I'd like to think I could see it from your POV and apologise and explain he has ASD - but admittedly there are days when everyone/thing seems to be against him and the next person to raise an eyebrow "gets it".

Don't worry, I don't think you could have done anything differently.

My lad was like that when he was 8 or 9, and was a strapping chap too. I used to follow him around, explain and interpret situations for him and field all the glares and hissing from parents of NT children. It worked eventually, but it took years.
OP, the mother you encountered could have handled the situation a lot better, but I'd let it go. If it's still bothering you a week later, or even a day later you are over-sensitive.
You'd find it very tough being in our place, you need a tick skin to cope with parenting a child with a social communication disorder.

Oh, and to me an Asp is a venomous snake, of Cleopatra fame.

Don't know why I'm spelling with an Irish accent.
thick skin

I too can understand why its still on your mind, especially as you worked with SN adults, I can imagine its left you questioning yourself due to the Mums reaction, DON"T you handled it well, the Mum may THINK she was protecting her Child, but in reality not teaching him how to behave is far more harm to him, he's going to have it tough enough poor mite, & she needs to shape up, not go around attacking strangers, just because they are not mind readers

Having had a similar confrontation years back with a very rude Mum of an older & much bigger SN child, who hurt my DD & her friend by barging them off a park ride, whilst she stood talking & ignoring him, until I stepped in to help DD & her friend of course & she then started shouting & screaming at me I know how you feel, as I replied to her then when she was screaming at me that he is Autistic & I should make allowances, my reply was,,,HE might be, but YOU are not, & therefore no excuse for letting him hurt another Child.

I too questioned myself for ages over it, as our friends Son is also autistic, & other friends kids SN too, so as an outsider, I know how hard it can be for SN Mums & considered myself more understanding, so it upset me to be accused otherwise, but speaking with these friends ALL agreed this Mum was out of order & doing her Son no favours :( .....

so yes, IMO you did the right thing standing up to her & speaking out, you never know it might actually make her stop & THINK & help him in a more productive way in future

Since my son was dx with asd last year I have been trying to work out what behaviours to modify. He has LD but we didnt know about the ASD.

I want him to be polite and kind and all the things we all want for our kids. The thing is he does so many things (minor and major) that you would easy to be on at him all the time. That would be exhausting and counter productive.

But if I take him somewhere I know he is likely to do stuff that will get him into trouble I am extra attentive. It is bloody tiring but I would be mortified if he did what the OP described.

If the mother was responding in the heat of the moment, fair enough, but she appeared to carry it on a bit too long. I suspect she was using the incident as an excuse to let off a bit of her own steam. I can empathise but its hardly fair on the OP.

The bigger they get the harder it is. When they are toddlers its harder to see the difference. Tantrums, not wanting to share, demanding odd things - all par for the course. But when the do stuff and they are 5 foot tall, people are not so understanding.

Do you really think this is an ASD bashing thread? I agree the title is wrong but the OP seems pissed off at the mother rather than the child.

Well, I didn't read it as an ASD-bashing thread, but I'm often out of step.

True thefirstMrsDeVere this thread probably not really that bad. For me it is just a build up of frustrations.

I'm having a TGIF moment too Shimmerysilverglitter. Weekends and holidays are so much easier than the delicate balancing act that is school.

I understand shimmery I think I am due for a MNs break myself. Its all got a bit much of late.

I wont be gone for long though