...to feel angry at an ASP's Mum [sad]

[WelshSara]

Can I just say before I start that I'm not argumentative, don't like public slanging matches and try my very best to be fair to all.

Daughters and I went to a mini fairground last week and whilst helping my little girls (5 and 2 and half) onto a ride - youngest was wedged between my knees and 5 yr old was next to me as I was fiddling with the door latch of a fire engine - when we were shoulder-charged out of the way by I'm guessing an 8 yr old boy (quite a strapping lad). My immediate reaction was that he was clumsily helping me open the door, but he opened the door, slapped my hand off the frame, jumped in and slammed the door shut.

I was not impressed! "That's not very nice, is it?" were my only words, and then his Mum behind me proceeded to unleash her anger for my discriminating against her son. "He has Asperger's, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, how dare you!". My kids at this point were really bewildered so I just replied, "Am not psychic - perhaps you should assist him more on these rides, instead of shouting anger from the sidelines when he pushes other kids out of the way!" or words to that effect, and walked away to a different ride. His Mum followed me, still ranting!

Anyway, am still shaking about it - am not confrontational at all, but I felt a bit bullied to be honest. Did I handle it badly? Should I have said nothing at all? I worked for many a year with older Autistic adults (not that I need to say this) so I like to think I'm fair with everyone.....

a child with AS pushed you a week ago,i really dont understand why your posting this a week later.the mother obviously lost control with her son at the time,it doesnt excuse her being rude to you but imagine having to deal with her son day in day out imagine how hard work it must be she most likely extremely stressed out.

Makes me sick too shimmery

This thread reminded me of something I still feel bad about, even though it happened years ago. We were in Ikea, in the slightly stressed state I always reach when trying to buy anything in Ikea with DH. I was walking between some shelves and a child behind me was swinging a wooden sword and whacked it against me quite hard. His Mum was behind him and though I didn't say anything I did turn around and give her a disgusted look, as she hadn't said anything to her child.

Two minutes later, I saw her crying, explaining to her husband about it. I suspect the child had asperger's and she was just having a hard time shopping and controlling him. I felt really, really terrible for judging her at a time when she was clearly barely coping. Crying Mum in Ikea, if you're reading I am so, so sorry and I promise it has made me think very carefully before I show any sign of judging any parenting again.

OP, she might have been a rude person, or she might have been utterly fed up and hyper-sensitive.

'I understand shimmery I think I am due for a MNs break myself. Its all got a bit much of late.

I wont be gone for long though'

Oi! Don't you lot go disappearing on me and leave me talking to myself in a corner.
Not many of the SN lot post on the main boards anyway, can't afford to lose anyone.

@ Goblinchild. Nah I am hopelessly addicted!
The Eastenders thing has worn me out a bit TBH. I know not everyone feels as strongly as me and that really is fine. But its all been a bit intense and draining. Started back at work after Mat leave this week and DD's birthday is coming up next week. She would have been 19, all grown up

Soooooo am feeling ever so slightly wobbly and its just the sort of time I get into stupid arguments with posters trolls

But fear not - when I decide to have a break it usually means me not logging on for an afternoon

YANBU - I'd have been exactely the same.

Not sure why a few posters have taken offence to you shortening aspergers to ASP. It doesn't offend me.

I have a 12 year old nephew who gets away with murder because he's been diagnosed with aspergers.

Hi. Agree with curlymama. Thread title not great, but dont think it was done with malice.
I have 2 ds on the spectrum, and know only too well the tiredness and neverending feeling, and the sense that you constantly have to justify yourself to everyone.
BUT, there is a time to be protective and speak on behalf of your dc-and I have, many a time. There is also a time, to take your dc by the arm and remove them-in this instance from the fire engine, and say, "no, wait your turn, these dc need to get off first-regardless of whether this results in an outburst or not.
Dc with SN need guidance and a certain understanding of Social Norms and boundaries, just like NT dc. As parents, we may have to do things differently to others, and our dc may not fully understand, but we must still do it.
Op, yes, the mother in question may have been tired/having a bad day, but that was no reason to berate you.
You were not rude, so accept it happened and forget it.

Just don't leave for good, thefirstMrsDeVere
or make sure there's a breadcrumb trail so I can find you. You are one of half a dozen that I'd truly miss reading.
Being very old, I have several friends with children they mourn and remember. I can't imagine anything harder.

'Not sure why a few posters have taken offence to you shortening aspergers to ASP.'

Cos it's a snake.

goblinchild.

Think your post is a perfect example of the kind of ignorance we are up against and trying to discuss on this thread Thanks mrsrigby.

How lovely, thank you goblin (may I call you goblin?), what a nice thing to say.

Goblin's fine, just don't call me Gob...

OP YANBU to feel a bit hard done by from the other mother's reaction, she does sound over the top and venting at you. You did nothing wrong. But as others have said, spare a thought for mothers of dc who are by nature of their disabling condition, not living by the social rules that the rest of us do. It is not naughtiness or bad parenting. It is the nature of autism.

The thing is that children with ASD are often much, much, much, much harder work than nt (neurotypical) children. In pretty much all respects. The supervision, teaching, monitoring, intervening, fire-fighting, and meltdown-prevention is relentless. I hover over my ds (asd) pretty much constantly when we're out, trying to ensure a situation like this doesn't happen. But it still might.

mrsrigby I just hope to god your nephew and his parents have other family and friends, and don't rely on you for support or understanding. But phew, at least the term 'ASP' doesn't offend you.

mutznutz I have not pushed anyone out of the way

OP, you didn't do anything wrong. It must have been disconcerting, possibly frightening to have a big child act in a potentially threatening way when you had two small children with you.

You unsurprisingly snapped at the mother, but actually it is unsurprising that the mother snapped back at you.

Mothers of children with ASD usually don't have the condition and are mortified by their children's anti-social behaviour and horrified by it. It takes enormous effort to go out but they do it because they need to in order to expose their children to as much normal as possible in order for them to learn the skills they will need to learn to have any chance and independence. They also need to go out for themselves to stop them going insane.

Now, their children are their responsibility right, and if they take them out they should keep on top of their behaviour right?

Well yes, technically they should. But you have to remember that many of these mothers are completely on their own. 80% of parents of disabled children have broken down, and because of the behaviour of the children, the single parents often NEVER get any respite from them. Not just that, but no-one offers to have their childre for 20mins after school when there is an essential appointment to go to. They never get playdates. Often the parents will be woken many times each night too.

Now I can tell you with certainty that this kind of life can make you very intolerant of the 'seemingly' uncomparative whingings of a mother enjoying a day out (having slept well) with her two NT children who are looked over overnight by their grandkids etc. So what if the child does a bit of pushing and shoving? No-one got hurt and quite frankly I'm almost hulicinating with tiredness and only came out because the house is trashed and I can't stand to look at it any more, and my child is acting like a caged animal.

Not saying it is right, but if society were a bit more understanding and tolerant, the mother 'might' actually have the energy to limit more greatly, the impact of her child on other people.

That's a great post startingafresh.

Thanks shimmery. Sorry about the mistakes.

I just think if as a society we were a bit more tolerant and understanding, it would be easier for many mothers of children with anti-social behaviour to keep on top of them as it wouldn't all just be down to them all the time and they would have the support/respite to be enabled to do a good job of it.

It isn't just the child and keeping on top of the behaviour that runs you down. It is the fact that the logistics of just running a life to meet basic needs requires.

If you run out of milk, it is never a case of simply popping out and getting some more, even if the child is 15. On the other hand NOT getting some more, can mean all your curtains are ripped down. You can't phone up a neighbour you know from the school gates to lend you some, or get you some, because no mothers will SPEAK to you at the school gates, let alone give you their phone number etc etc....

Applauds StartingAfresh

You got it in a nutshell.

I think most people can understand how wearing a sleepless night can be when you have children to look after the next day.

Imagine how wearing it is and how hard that makes your day and any days out....appointments or even just a trip to the shops when it happens practically every day

Sleep my old friend...I miss you terribly.

Can hear DS3 [Aspergers] upstairs in his room fiddling around with a box of pebbles. We are lucky if he sleeps 5 hrs a night and i cant sleep until he does.

I have learned to tune out to the stares and tuts, but sometimes you've had enough and others disaproval gets to you.

OP this woman possibly could have handled it better and no you didnt do anything wrong, but this 'incident' may just well have been the straw that broke the camels back that day.

I wouldnt judge her too harshly for it.

As a teenager, I did some voluntary work with mencap and I became quite friendly with the family of a little boy on the autistic spectrum. One day, they asked me if I would accompany the boy and his father on a day trip - I discovered later that the mother was on the verge of a breakdown and desperately needed a break.

The boy was around nine at the time, and his condition was quite severe. He was barely verbal and he would get intensely frustrated at times. Sometimes this would lead to major meltdowns in which the boy would become very distressed, quite loud and occasionally aggressive, though most of the time, he would turn the aggression in on himself. His parents were wonderful with him, but at the times he went into meltdown mode, there didn't seem to be much that they could do to calm him down. His behavior was generally very challenging.

I will never forget walking around town that day with this little boy and his father, and the looks of disgust and disapproval that we got from passers-by. The little boy looked quite "normal" and people were clearly wondering why we couldn't "control" him properly. Honestly speaking, I have never felt so judged in my life - I felt deeply embarrassed that day, and at the same time, deeply ashamed of my embarrassment, as I knew that it wasn't the little boy's fault at all, or indeed his father's, and I realised, too, that this was probably what the family had to deal with on a daily basis.

Now that I am a parent myself, I realise how fortunate I am to have a child who is generally well-behaved and socially quite gifted, so seems to delight strangers wherever she goes. This has little to do with my parenting and much to do with her innate temperament. Occasionally when we're out, we see other children behaving in the most appalling ways and I am tempted to judge their parents. But then I am reminded of my day out with the little autistic boy and I realise that you never quite know what is going on in other people's lives. Perhaps, like the mother of this little boy, they are struggling to cope and on the verge of breakdown. Perhaps there are no SNs but there has been a sudden bereavement in the family. Perhaps there is violence or abuse going on, which is impacting on both the child's behavior and on the parent's ability to get through the day.

That old phrase about walking a mile in another person's shoes is so very, very true. I know because I've done it, and it taught me a most valuable lesson.

Great post magicmummy1

I once posted on a site that a fantastic, incredible and joyful day was one where I took ds2 to the shops and we passed unnoticed.

I got massively flamed but I think until you have done literally years of tensing up as you leave the house and preparing to face the looks of disgust, curiosity or disapproval, it is hard to understand how exhausting it is.

And it never ends because I can never leave ds2 at home while I nip out for a pint of milk.

Mrsdevere, you are a top sort. Don't go anywhere. I have no comprehension, zilch, about mourning a child but I find your posts immensely affecting. I know your purpose is not and never should be educating twits like me but I hope you will feel comfortable that what I have learnt from you and a few others on here has helped me support friends a little better.

Thank you Pag (see I havent managed to stay away yet!). It is very kind of you to say that and I am always pleased if talking about my girl helps anyone in anyway.

I am not upset with anyone or anything like that. Its just all been a bit intense this week for lots of reasons. I am off the EE threads anyway because I think they are done. There are a few snippy comment floating around on other threads and they do upset me a bit but I am aware that its me . When I get like that I feel its best if I have a little break and get some perspective.

I should get off now because I have hoards of kids coming round, my niece is bringing her new(ish) baby round and some of her brothers and sisters are coming too. Shower and housework plus picking up every little thing mine and her crawler can stick in their mouth/eye/nose - for me now!

My boy has spontaneously invited a mate from school round, he's coming at 12.
First
Time
Ever

They are both 16.

Wow !

Ladies, enjoy the various levels of mayhem

Oh WOW Goblin. That's brilliant. Good luck.