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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not see why he wont get a vasectomy?

22 replies

reelingfromshock · 13/01/2011 18:25

Am accidentally pregnant with my first. Diaphragm failed after a year of use (hated the thing anyway, so uncomfortable it wasn't really worth DTD). The pill gave me all sorts of problems and I definitely don't want another DS or DD anytime soon. How can DH possibly think its worse than pregnancy/ birth????? Has anyone else had this issue and did you manage to persuade him? if so, how??

OP posts:

ScotlandR · 13/01/2011 18:26

It's his reproduction for the REST OF HIS LIFE!!!

YABVVVVVU!

bubbleOseven · 13/01/2011 18:28

what are his reasons for not having one?

going · 13/01/2011 18:29

You should let him decide for himself if he doesn't want to be fertile ever again (can be revered but not always). There must be other methods of contraception you can try.

valiumredhead · 13/01/2011 18:31

'I definitely don't want another DS or DD anytime soon'

Do you mean you might at some time in the future or def no more kids? Vasectomy has to be seen as a permentant measure. I think it's something that needs to be discussed TOGETHER after the birth - and discussed properly not you trying to persuade him.

mankyscotslass · 13/01/2011 18:31

It's his body.

As you feel so strongly, why don't you get sterilized?

Dh had the snip after our 3rd, it was the right choice at the right time for both of us.

He felt more strongly about no more children than I did though, so he had it done.

If i had felt like you do I would get sterilized myself.

YABVU

NorbertDentressangle · 13/01/2011 18:31

You say you are accidently pregnant with your first and want your DH to have a vasectomy??

What if you go on to want more children? You sound quite young so your ideas might change in time.

IME Drs will want to be pretty sure that you have completed your family and definitely don't want more. They will even talk to you both about "what if you split up/one of you dies and the other goes on to remarry. Might you want children then with a new partner?" etc

valiumredhead · 13/01/2011 18:31

Forgot to add, my dh offered. I love him for that

tabulahrasa · 13/01/2011 18:34

YABU

it won't stop you having another one soon, it will stop you having another one with your DH ever - they're not actually supposed to be reversible you know, yes sometimes they can be reversed, but that's not why you'd have one

It needs to ultimately be his decision, it's his fertility

There are other methods of contraception

Bogeyface · 13/01/2011 18:36

It seems to be a bit of a knee jerk reaction to an unwanted pg.

Also you say "pg with my first" indicating there may be a second at some point if not in the immediate future. And also that you dont want another "anytime soon" so might do at some point just not yet.

So him having a vasectomy when you are not 100% sure that your family is complete would be inadvisable at best and down right bloody stupid at worst! And just because you think it is the right thing to do now, doesnt mean he has to agree with you. What if he wants more kids? You dont have the right to insist he removes his ability to have them just beause you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant. You would be well within your rights to discuss more appropriate contraception though and insist he plays his part if you think condoms, say, would be the best solution.

In theory, no a vasectomy isnt worse than pg/birth (an argument I am currently having with DH for after this one is born!) but that is beside the point in your circumstances. After you have had the baby you could try condoms, the different types of coil, or long term implants until you are sure that you dont want anymore.

eviscerateyourmemory · 13/01/2011 18:36

You say that you dont want another DC 'anytime soon', but a vasectomy will prevent children for ever, not just in the near future.

If your DH doesnt want a vasectomy then there isnt a lot that you can do about that. Of course it is your choice whether you continue to use contraception or to have sex with him, but I think that you would be unreasonable to try to force him into this when he doesnt want it.

Vallhala · 13/01/2011 18:36

Why on earth should he have surgery to suit you (or anyone else)?

If you are so concerned about the risk of becming pregnant again then you should be the one to undergo surgery if that's what you consider necessary, not some other poor sod.

ScotlandR · 13/01/2011 18:39

Try getting the contraceptive implant or an IUD.

both long term, the IUD is non-hormonal and neither is SURGICAL

coco2901 · 13/01/2011 18:43

Is this a wind up? You're accidentaly pregnant with your first and you want your OH to have a vasectomy?! YABVVVVVVVVVVU!

There are lots of contraceptive options (the diaphragm not being one of the popular ones)to consider, and if you are 100% sure you never want any more kids then get sterilized, but do not force this poor guy into a decision he may regret and resent you for for the rest of his life....

I actually can't believe I just read this.

sazm · 13/01/2011 18:55

my hubby had a vasectomy (his choice as im so ill in pregnancy)
he has had SO many problems since he would never advise anyone to have one (and neither would i)
i cant believe anyone would pressurise their oh to do this,
have you even discussed it with him?
you havent even had the baby yet and you dont actually say you dont ever want another??
the chance of a reversal working is VERY slim
i think he is being very sensible tbh and YABVVVUR!!

Spidermama · 13/01/2011 18:59

So you reckon he should have irreversible surgery, disabling his reproductive potential, even though he doesn't want to, just for you?

What planet are you living on?

Poor guy.

BuzzLightBeer · 13/01/2011 19:00

Spidermama · 13/01/2011 19:02

BTW 'reelingfromshock', congratulations on your pregnancy.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2011 19:02

So get yourself sterlised after you give birth.

DH had one. His choice, his body. He is fine, no problems.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/01/2011 19:03

If you don't want to conceive, get an IUD. Leave the poor man's wedding veg alone, he might want the option of making more babies in the future.

I think you are being a bit really.

doggytreats · 13/01/2011 19:09

Hmmm HD and I agreed that one of us should be done after 4 children (DS3 conceived on the pill, DS4 conceived on the injection) but I have to admit that after childbirth and a large tear that it was his turn to do something for the partnership.

I don't think YAB particlarly U! Takes 2 to tango but women generally seem to get the responsibility for baby-prevention. Not fair to me!

expatinscotland · 13/01/2011 20:17

doggy, this person is supposedly pregnant with no. 1.

i can see it after you've had 4, particularly if they weren't all planned and/or serious complications.

but she hasn't even had baby no. 1 yet.

minipie · 13/01/2011 20:26

Think we need some more facts here.

If she and her DH have both definitely decided they don't want children, ever, under any circumstances (including even if they split up), and if other forms of contraception don't work for them as a couple, and if his only reason for not having the snip is that it's a bit painful, then I think it is a bit U of her DH not to have the snip.

However, that's a lot of ifs.

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