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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the difference....

39 replies

storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 12:57

i probably am, but i'm tired so be gentle

DP's mum has been a nightmare since ds was born 4 months ago. She is convinced that she is being pushed out of DS's life because her and i dont get on. I have never stopped her seeing DS, in the first few weeks she would be round every day hours at a time with me making cups of tea and playing hostess when i wanted to sleeeeep!

anyway last month she had issue with the fact that DP never took DS to visit at her house and that she always came here, so DP took to popping round (she lives 2 min walk away) with ds having an hour there.

So today DP says mum is coming here as soon as dp gets home from work, which would normally be fine, but I'm not feeling great, DS had me up all night, the house is a tip and i just wanted DP to take over when he gets in so i can have a nice soak in the bath.

So i suggest he goes there, but has said no because his mum hasnt been here for a while...

surely if she gets to spend time with DS and DP it doesnt matter? i dont see the difference....

I think what ever i suggested it'd be 'pushing her out'

this is so trivial but i'm post menstrual Grin

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/01/2011 13:00

God she sounds like hard work...if I were you I would ask her to rearrange as you are ill, if she wont then take to your bed the moment DP gets in

Numberfour · 13/01/2011 13:02

I agree with Dropdeadfred. Poor you!!!

ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 13/01/2011 13:02

I'd let her come round, but still go in the bath. She's your MIL, so technically family. No need to lay out a red carpet and fuss over her, IMO Wink

Honeybee79 · 13/01/2011 13:03

She sounds like a nightmare. Your DP needs to stand up to her a bit more, especially when you're feeling knackered and rough. YANBU.

KirstyAllsoap · 13/01/2011 13:06

you sound very tolerant to me.

YANBU there is no difference

I see my inlaws once a week, maybe twice. I decide whose house we meet at and they are perfectly happy with that situation. Your MIL would have driven me insane

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 13:08

i do usually busy myself with something but apparently this upsets her as it makes her feel unwelcome.

so i'm meant to sit there, but she wont really talk to me....so i dont see the point.

OP posts:
aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 13/01/2011 13:08

She sounds tiring.

I would do what chickens suggested.

trixie123 · 13/01/2011 13:10

yep, let her come but get DP to explain in advance that you are gong to absent yourself. If she's got any tact and empathy she'll suggest DP and DS go there to givr you some peace. What a pity you don't get on though - being that close she would be a great help if you did.

Dropdeadfred · 13/01/2011 13:11

i bet your MIL's house is a state today - hence her wanting to come to yours Grin

TheRunawayWife · 13/01/2011 13:14

I think you need to tell you DP that if his mother wants to see the baby tonight then it is at her house or not at all

fruitful · 13/01/2011 13:21

If she complains that you're pushing her out, can you say "yes, I am, you're getting a bit much, actually. Dp, ds and I need some space to be a family" ? That should take the wind out of her sails nicely. Seriously, she thinks it anyway, you may as well use it.

You need to talk to dp and get him to start putting you first too. She'll take it better if it comes from him. He thinks he has to do what his mum wants, because she is letting all her feelings show, while you are being all tolerant and reasonable. Me, I'd phone him at work and cry on him, and ask him to prove that he loves me more than his mum by cancelling the visit [evil grin].

thumbwitch · 13/01/2011 13:25

FFS - your DP needs to grow up and sort this out - it makes no odds at all where she sees your DS and DP, if she doesn't really get on with you there is NO NEED for her to come and annoy you visit at your house.

Your DP has to prioritise his own little family - you and DS - over his mother now.

And Hmm at the silly moo allowing you to make her the cups of tea when DS was only a few weeks old - she should have been making them for you!

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 13:31

fruitful - it wont work, his mum is as you say letting all her feelings show (apparently she has been in tears because of me alot) DP refuses to see that he is being manipulated.

trixie- we got on just fine until we decided to move in together, he still lived at home (in his 30's) and i think she saw me as taking him away.

this woman seriously doesnt give a stuff about me, when i was in labour my mum was texting updates, texted to say i was being taken to theatre reply was 'ok look after my son'

But she has the fragile and needy act to a tee so i look like i'm being UR

i honestly believe that if i gave dp the choice to tell his mum shes being UR or leave me, hed go... Sad

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 13/01/2011 13:34

Hmm, I disagree that you should let DP handle this - doesn't sound like he will.

Ring her up, say,

'DP told me that you're coming over tonight - which is great - but I've just started feeling absolutely rotten. Would you mind if DP took DS over to see you this time as I'm really not up to company?... But I've noticed you haven't been over in a while, so why don't you come round for a cuppa on Sunday? I'll be better by then.'

Personally I'd talk to her straight out about the whole situation when you are feeling better. Is that possible?

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 13:34

oh and re my first post i'm pree menstrual not post [divvy icon]

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 13/01/2011 13:36

...IMO it is much harder for women of that type to keep up the 'poor me' act in front of another woman...

AMumInScotland · 13/01/2011 13:39

Well, for tonight, if DP has invited his mum over, then its up to him to be the host. You are not well, and are going to have a long soak in the bath while he looks after DS and his mum. And the house can stay a tip. If she wants to come over, she has to put up with you as she finds you.

You maybe can't compete with tearful & needy, but you can put your foot down and tell him what you are going to do, and he'll have to get used to the idea.

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 13:40

i see what u mean revolting but she twists what i say and i cant win.

For Example

MIL on Phone 'hi storm, can i take baby storm for a walk'
Me 'i dont think thats a good idea, its raining, id prefer if you wanted to see him you stay indoors'
MIL 'well if you wont let me thats fine'
Me 'no what i'm saying is its raining, so id prefer he didnt go out in the rain but would be happy for him to be inside'
MIL 'it hast been raining long, but if you dont want me taking him fine'
Me 'i just dont want him in the rain'
MIL 'Fine i only wanted to take him for a walk'

Do you think i should buy her a dog?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 13/01/2011 13:46

A really savage one that will eat her, you mean? Wink

I know someone like this and I don't know if this helps, but I adopted the strategy of not responding to the negative stuff she was saying, but repeating what I'd said, and offering positive alternatives, i.e.,

MIL: Can I take the baby for a walk?
You: I'd rather you didn't, as it's raining, but you're welcome to come and see him here, indoors.
MIL: Oh fine if you don't want me to etc
You: I do want you to see him. Please come and see him here, indoors.
MIL: But I only wanted to take him for a walk.
You: well if you come and play with him indoors here and it stops raining then you're welcome to take him out. But for right now, indoors only

etc

Works with some, not with others... But I find it disables passive-aggressiveness nicely :)

Miggsie · 13/01/2011 13:47

Oh dear, she is toxic and manipulative and deeply jealous of your place in her osn's affections, she wants to have your child a lot to show her son how great she is.
The tearful and needy thing is a pain in the arse and all you can do is be very up front and factual, and never apologise or give in or be made to feel guilty.

I suggest you read "toxic in laws" and "toxic parents" as this will give you a few hints on how to deal with this sort of manipulation.

Your DH is conditioned to her and thinks she is normal unfortunately.

TheCrackFox · 13/01/2011 13:52

There is only one way to improve this situation. You and your family need to move a couple of hundred miles away.

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 13:56

Grin she'd taste too bitter

this is only one example - i have loads but some are so bizarre that they would out me in rl.

So decision made, DP is picking her up on his way home, i have said, this is fine, but i am tired and i want to get a bath so when you arrive home i WILL be getting a long bath

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 13/01/2011 14:00

Tell your DP you feel crap. If MIL needs to see Baby Storm today then he will have to take Baby Storm to her house today.

MIL can over when you feel better.

Then next week emigrate.

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 13/01/2011 14:00

Miggsie, she does want ds lots, she wants her 'turn' at looking after him on a night, to which i've said no. DP often excuses her behaviour as being a very nervy person who gets upset easily. DS is teething and has been known to scream for hours, i dont think she couold handle this. If he cries when she has him she just looks scared and hands him back. on the other hand he settles for my own mum better than he does for me!

OP posts:
nopinkplasticshite · 13/01/2011 14:03

I would take it as a perfect opportunity to go to bed if you feel unwell - after all you will have two adults there to mind your DS - and she will love having him all to herself without you getting in the way of her little games. Wink Take advantage of the old bi-atch.

Can you stomach a sweetly, sickly smile and a "Thank goodness you're here - I HAVE to go to bed because I don't feel well and you two can mind DS..."? Make her think she's doing you a MASSIVE favour and she can't do the poor me, nobody wants me shit that she thrives on.

Do not tidy up, do not make sure you have nice biscuits in the tins, do not make dinner for anyone other than your DS. Then take a nice long bath and go to bed early.