To not see the difference....

[storminabuttercup]

i probably am, but i'm tired so be gentle

DP's mum has been a nightmare since ds was born 4 months ago. She is convinced that she is being pushed out of DS's life because her and i dont get on. I have never stopped her seeing DS, in the first few weeks she would be round every day hours at a time with me making cups of tea and playing hostess when i wanted to sleeeeep!

anyway last month she had issue with the fact that DP never took DS to visit at her house and that she always came here, so DP took to popping round (she lives 2 min walk away) with ds having an hour there.

So today DP says mum is coming here as soon as dp gets home from work, which would normally be fine, but I'm not feeling great, DS had me up all night, the house is a tip and i just wanted DP to take over when he gets in so i can have a nice soak in the bath.

So i suggest he goes there, but has said no because his mum hasnt been here for a while...

surely if she gets to spend time with DS and DP it doesnt matter? i dont see the difference....

I think what ever i suggested it'd be 'pushing her out'

this is so trivial but i'm post menstrual

[dexifehatz]

Your MiL brought her slippers with her???WTF!!! What next? Hot waterbottle?

[blackeyedsusan]

I think deemented found a website with some umbilical cord cutters for manshapes mam, may be they would help.

I think you have to keep it short. things like, no that's not possible. and repeat repeat repeat ad nauseum.

dp is not being fair to you. you are being very reasonable to have let her see you so much.

we never have mil here as it causes too many fights with the stress. We always meet on neutral territory.

try telling dp that you feel second best and that now you are together (and have a dc) then he should be putting your needs first.

If she tried to arrange too come round when you have said no, I would make a point and take dc and go off to do whatever you were doing anyway.

[blackeyedsusan]

He's your baby, she's had her turn and another aaaaggghhh as she gets worse.

[blackeyedsusan]

aaaggghhhh

sorry only half way down the thread but felt the need.

[storminabuttercup]

well thanks for all your advice, i made a cuppa and had a nice hot bath, she stayed over an hour although dp had to tell her to go as we wanted to have dinner, bath ds etc(she brought her slippers i think she planned on spending the evening)

fruitful, i think that may have been a bit hasty, i really dont know what he'd do, shes so needy, just hope it never comes to that.


thanks all - needed to vent today and got some great support!

[lochnessmumster]

What is it with bloody MILs. YANBU. Although there's probably not much you can do about her other than move to the otherside of the universe.
I feel your pain.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... Can you got up to bed when your partner gets home? His mother and he can then spend time with the baby and you get a break for a bath, nap, whatever.

[fruitful]

Um. If you really really think that your dp would choose your mum over you, then you need to do some serious talking with him. You have more problems than your MIL, if you meant that.

[fruitful]

I hope it's gone ok and you've managed hide out!

I think you've got to grow a thick skin and be ruthless with her. I'd take her comments at face value.

MIL on Phone 'hi storm, can i take baby storm for a walk'
Me 'i dont think thats a good idea, its raining, id prefer if you wanted to see him you stay indoors'
MIL 'well if you wont let me thats fine'
Me: Oh good, I'm glad you're fine with that, that's lovely then, were you calling about anything else?

[LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive]

Tell DP that he and MIL can spend the evening cleaning the house while you sleep.

[Dropdeadfred]

and start screening your calls...don't answer the phone to her all the time..get an answer machine, and then if you dont go out just tell DP you did't hear the phone

[storminabuttercup]

You know, without mumsnet i'd still be wondering if i was just a biatch!

Turns out i'm normal and not unreasonable

whoooop.

[ChippingIn]

There's nothing like Grandparent rivalry is there! It's not pretty!!

[ChippingIn]

She sounds like a right bloody nightmare.

I'm a bit of the opinion that if you are going to be accused of doing something and thought badly of, you might as well be doing it!!

Go and have your bath tonight - text DH to bring you anything you need, snuggle up in bed with a good book.

Next time she starts on with stuff like the going for a walk and she twists your words - just agree with her (so in your example - when she says 'So you wont let me' say 'Yes that's right, I wont let you take baby out in the rain, glad you understand, have a nice day byeeeeeeeeeeee'.

If DH says why wouldn't you let Mum see DS today tell him that you invited her to your house but she only wanted to come if she could take him out in the rain and you weren't having that. Job done.

Eventually when it impacts him he will see she's bonkers.

[nopinkplasticshite]

I would take it as a perfect opportunity to go to bed if you feel unwell - after all you will have two adults there to mind your DS - and she will love having him all to herself without you getting in the way of her little games. Take advantage of the old bi-atch.

Can you stomach a sweetly, sickly smile and a "Thank goodness you're here - I HAVE to go to bed because I don't feel well and you two can mind DS..."? Make her think she's doing you a MASSIVE favour and she can't do the poor me, nobody wants me shit that she thrives on.

Do not tidy up, do not make sure you have nice biscuits in the tins, do not make dinner for anyone other than your DS. Then take a nice long bath and go to bed early.

[storminabuttercup]

Miggsie, she does want ds lots, she wants her 'turn' at looking after him on a night, to which i've said no. DP often excuses her behaviour as being a very nervy person who gets upset easily. DS is teething and has been known to scream for hours, i dont think she couold handle this. If he cries when she has him she just looks scared and hands him back. on the other hand he settles for my own mum better than he does for me!

[Pancakeflipper]

Tell your DP you feel crap. If MIL needs to see Baby Storm today then he will have to take Baby Storm to her house today.

MIL can over when you feel better.

Then next week emigrate.

[storminabuttercup]

she'd taste too bitter

this is only one example - i have loads but some are so bizarre that they would out me in rl.

So decision made, DP is picking her up on his way home, i have said, this is fine, but i am tired and i want to get a bath so when you arrive home i WILL be getting a long bath

[TheCrackFox]

There is only one way to improve this situation. You and your family need to move a couple of hundred miles away.

[Miggsie]

Oh dear, she is toxic and manipulative and deeply jealous of your place in her osn's affections, she wants to have your child a lot to show her son how great she is.
The tearful and needy thing is a pain in the arse and all you can do is be very up front and factual, and never apologise or give in or be made to feel guilty.

I suggest you read "toxic in laws" and "toxic parents" as this will give you a few hints on how to deal with this sort of manipulation.

Your DH is conditioned to her and thinks she is normal unfortunately.

[RevoltingPeasant]

A really savage one that will eat her, you mean?

I know someone like this and I don't know if this helps, but I adopted the strategy of not responding to the negative stuff she was saying, but repeating what I'd said, and offering positive alternatives, i.e.,

MIL: Can I take the baby for a walk?
You: I'd rather you didn't, as it's raining, but you're welcome to come and see him here, indoors.
MIL: Oh fine if you don't want me to etc
You: I do want you to see him. Please come and see him here, indoors.
MIL: But I only wanted to take him for a walk.
You: well if you come and play with him indoors here and it stops raining then you're welcome to take him out. But for right now, indoors only

etc

Works with some, not with others... But I find it disables passive-aggressiveness nicely :)

[storminabuttercup]

i see what u mean revolting but she twists what i say and i cant win.

For Example

MIL on Phone 'hi storm, can i take baby storm for a walk'
Me 'i dont think thats a good idea, its raining, id prefer if you wanted to see him you stay indoors'
MIL 'well if you wont let me thats fine'
Me 'no what i'm saying is its raining, so id prefer he didnt go out in the rain but would be happy for him to be inside'
MIL 'it hast been raining long, but if you dont want me taking him fine'
Me 'i just dont want him in the rain'
MIL 'Fine i only wanted to take him for a walk'

Do you think i should buy her a dog?

[AMumInScotland]

Well, for tonight, if DP has invited his mum over, then its up to him to be the host. You are not well, and are going to have a long soak in the bath while he looks after DS and his mum. And the house can stay a tip. If she wants to come over, she has to put up with you as she finds you.

You maybe can't compete with tearful & needy, but you can put your foot down and tell him what you are going to do, and he'll have to get used to the idea.

[RevoltingPeasant]

...IMO it is much harder for women of that type to keep up the 'poor me' act in front of another woman...

[storminabuttercup]

oh and re my first post i'm pree menstrual not post [divvy icon]