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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am but am really upset for dd2.

65 replies

ditavonteesed · 12/01/2011 17:05

she started school last week and is haviong a bit of trouble settling, everytime i hav caught a peek of her in the playground or anything she has been in tears and she is telliubg me she doesnt want to go. has been having a few paddy's which I expected and havent been making a deal of.
her and dd1 always go to my mums and dads for tea on weds so we met them at school as dd2 only doing half days, she was in a strop with me and being angry, my dad told her he didnt want angry children and she couldnt go to theres if she carried on. anyway they left and I walked home, when I got here they were over the road in the car, my dad took dd2 out of the car and crossed the road handing her to me, he said she is being a pest. they then drove off with dd1 in the car, dd2 has been beside herself for an hour and tbh I expected them to come back for her, they havent even phoned to see how she is.

I really dont think this is going to have helped her settling in, I am annoyed that their love for her is conditiponal and that they cant understand that she is having a really hard week, I wish they hadnt got dd1 with them and they will be back about 6.30 and I really dont know what to say, I honestly cant believe they would upset dd2 this much.
I understand that they are grandparents and shouldnt have to pout up with bad behaviour, I also think that dd2 should get a bit of a break this week as starting school is hard at the best of times. she has wet herself and told me she feels really sick since we havee been in.

So AIBU to think it was not nice and not going to have helped my already sad dd.

OP posts:

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 17:07

I would not be happy...that's crap! Not supporting her at all are they?

Make a special date with her to make up for it. If she feels sick give her a day off tomorrow...poor thing.

Dropdeadfred · 12/01/2011 17:07

Im shocked that your parens would do that!! I would have called them by now and asked them what on earth they were thinking and telling them how upset dd2 is...!

activate · 12/01/2011 17:09

so she was warned and told

and she continued

I think they did the right thing

tell her if she calms down you'll ask grandparennts to take hr on a special treat

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:09

YANBU

Can you tell your dad that it's hard for some children when they start school because they have to use a lot of energy trying to be on their best behaviour, so when they come out they are very tired, and sometimes take their feelings out on people they love - precisely because those are the people they feel sage with, who won't reject them (ironically). Also they often need feeding as soon as they come out.

If he can't understand this, then maybe it's better to not see them under these circumstances and leave it for the weekend

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:10

safe - not sage

tomhardyismydh · 12/01/2011 17:10

oh gosh how awfull, your Dad didnt deal with this too well. I would just make her evening special. I would call him on this and tell him it angered you.

I think what dd is going through as far as school is quiet normal.

my dd started in sep and she is angry and grumpy almost every day on her way home, I just dont talk much to her untill she has come round, normally just as we are getting to the front door. then she is full of it and much happier. I can then ask about her day etc.

I would talk with her teacher to ask how she is getting on and how things can be made easier for her.

sims2fan · 12/01/2011 17:12

But why should your parents put up with her if she's misbehaving? That's not their job. It's nice that they have her every week for tea, but refusing to have her for bad behaviour will teach her to behave around them. I understand what you're saying about it being her first week at school, and yes that probably is causing her behaviour, but if they don't want to deal with her being upset and angry then really they don't have to. Perhaps with just you and her in the house while her sister is out you'll be able to talk to her about why she is so upset, and come up with some strategies to help her settle in at school?

SenoritaViva · 12/01/2011 17:12

How old is your DD? Do you know why this is causing such a problem?

Perhaps they thought that she would be better off with you if sad? This might be a more traditional way of handling things but their message to DD is clear; that they don't expect her to be difficult. I know it might sound harsh but even if having a bad week there are ways to behave. Bad behaviour will make a bad week worst.

I would be worrying less about the grandparents and more about fixing the school problem. Have you spoken to the school/teachers about what they recommend to help her?

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:12

activate - the first few weeks of school are a special case, though, surely ? emotions are very raw and DCs have less control than they normally do.

carefulwiththataxe · 12/01/2011 17:12

Your Dad is being extremely unreasonable. Horrid.

SenoritaViva · 12/01/2011 17:13

worse not worst.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 12/01/2011 17:13

I am not really seeing a problem with your fathers behaviour here. He presumably told your DD to stop doing whatever it was she was doing, or he'd take her home. He was just following through on a consequence. As your DD has started school now, I expect her teacher will also have sanctions for undesirable behaviour. Being consistent is helpful, I'd have thought.

monkeyflippers · 12/01/2011 17:14

I agree with Dropdeadfred. I am suprised you haven't called them but I must admit I don't know what I would say.

carefulwiththataxe · 12/01/2011 17:15

Why should they not show a bit of understanding? If they are only going to speak to their grandchildren when they are on their absolute best behaviour they are going to have a very limited relationship with them!

Dropdeadfred · 12/01/2011 17:15

He is eaching her that grandad only loves her when she is quiet and happy....he doesnt want to help her if she is feelingangry/cross/sad

Original poster

ditavonteesed · 12/01/2011 17:16

I cant bring myself to call, I dont know what to say. I have never seen dd as upset as she was.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:17

Special circumstances (like first week at school) demand special understanding, IMO. If school is hard for her ATM, then going for tea afterwards may have been something she was looking forward to. The child is 4 or 5.

I feel very sorry for her, and some of you sound deeply unsympathetic

(Disclaimer - I'm not a soft parent)

tomhardyismydh · 12/01/2011 17:17

unconditional love and all that some times its just best to ignore a grumpy and angry child than provke them with threats and then have to carry them though and cause feelings of rejection.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:17

Exactly dropdead - the child has emotions.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 12/01/2011 17:17

Is he? Or is he just teaching her that there are consequences to bad behaviour? I don't see where setting boundaries is not showing love. Unless there's a back story here I'm missing.

activate · 12/01/2011 17:18

yes kids can be upset whilst settling into school

which is no excuse for a full-out angry tantrum at all

I think if you've told a kid to calm down and given them the option and told them what will happen if they don't then you have to follow through

or should tantrums win just because she's started school

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 12/01/2011 17:19

I'm not unsympathetic to the child. Starting school can be tough. But I don't think the grandfather is evil incarnate either.

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/01/2011 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:19

Chickens - quite right, under normal circumstances. But when a small child is having strong emotional reactions at an unusual time like this then other methods might defuse the situation.

monkeyflippers · 12/01/2011 17:21

I think maybe take a few things out of your original post. That she is having a hard time settling into school and has even wet herself and that you think they were a bit harsh with her and now she is extremely upset.

They might though say that it will teach her for next time.

If so you could say that all it has done is teach her that her grandparents only love her when she is happy and not when she is sad and stressed about school and that it doesn't help her feel secure with them.

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