I probably am but am really upset for dd2.

[ditavonteesed]

she started school last week and is haviong a bit of trouble settling, everytime i hav caught a peek of her in the playground or anything she has been in tears and she is telliubg me she doesnt want to go. has been having a few paddy's which I expected and havent been making a deal of.
her and dd1 always go to my mums and dads for tea on weds so we met them at school as dd2 only doing half days, she was in a strop with me and being angry, my dad told her he didnt want angry children and she couldnt go to theres if she carried on. anyway they left and I walked home, when I got here they were over the road in the car, my dad took dd2 out of the car and crossed the road handing her to me, he said she is being a pest. they then drove off with dd1 in the car, dd2 has been beside herself for an hour and tbh I expected them to come back for her, they havent even phoned to see how she is.

I really dont think this is going to have helped her settling in, I am annoyed that their love for her is conditiponal and that they cant understand that she is having a really hard week, I wish they hadnt got dd1 with them and they will be back about 6.30 and I really dont know what to say, I honestly cant believe they would upset dd2 this much.
I understand that they are grandparents and shouldnt have to pout up with bad behaviour, I also think that dd2 should get a bit of a break this week as starting school is hard at the best of times. she has wet herself and told me she feels really sick since we havee been in.

So AIBU to think it was not nice and not going to have helped my already sad dd.

I don't think it's as simple as the child just being naughty or badly behaved.
She is acting out bacuase she is in emotional turmoil! Starting school can be very difficult for some children and a bit of understanding and support goes a lot further than irritation nd punishment.

My DD2 gets very moody at times and won't tell anyone why. Except for my dad. He's quite old school in many ways but when she is at all unhappy he has got the patience of a saint with her. It makes a huge difference, god love him

fannyadams - I think you're being completely over the top.

I think the OP's dad was harsh.

Fair enough following through on consequences, etc. but imo, this should have been a "if you don't stop you can't feed the chickens/watch tv after tea/go through old photos (or whatever it is that OP's dd enjoys about being with her grandparents), not a "behave perfectly, or we don't want to see you" situation.

showing a small, overwhelmed child that you only want ot see her if she is on best behaviour is not a relationship I would want to promote (and I speak form experience. my dds do not se paternal grandparents, because we cannot trust them not to get angry with them for what is, for my dds, typical behaviours (dd1 is ASD))

if the grandparents did not want ot deal with the behviour, they should have dleivered both children back home - taking OPs dd1 with them has only served to show the younger child that it is her the grandparents do not want to see. that kind of rejection can be very hard, and I hate any divisions along the lines of "oh, this child is good, I will reward this one; this child is bad, I cannot be bothered" (possibly because I have seen a lot of it wrt dd1 and dd2 - people interact more with dd2 because she is easier to interact with; it is not dd1's fault she has ASD, and she wants ot be included too)

I think your mothers breakdown possibly has something to with this and therefore I would definatly tread carefully as you also need to be in support of them as well as expecting them to be in support of dd.

Maybe your children should not go for tea on a week night with out you, if it is a stressfull time for everyone concerned.

i still think you should speak to the school as she is not settling in and this is very upsetting for all concerned.
perhaps spending time with DD2 on your own is a good idea, over time she'll open up and talk.
it sounds like things at the GP home is also very stressful, so maybe cooling off visits for a while would be good, but not to alienate the GP's, maybe have them over to yours?

I think what your dad did was fair enough. I wouldn't put up with my DCs being in a strop/angry for so long. If she only had half a day at school she should of calmed down by the time the full school day had finished.

The issue is with the school not your parents. I think saying that you're annoyed that their love is conditional is totally over the top. Letting a child being continually stroppy is hardly good parenting. Sort it out with the school.

If think your Dad's stress over your Mum's breakdown will have contributed to his intolerance of your dd2, so we should give him a break. His treatment of the situation, however, was still very poor imo.

School and anxiety issues aside, showing preferential treatment to one child over another is a slippery slope and a dark alley that you really don't want to go down.

Also, to the posters who are are going on about 'not condoning bad behaviour' - none of us condones bad behaviour - but this child is acting out around people she feels she can trust. Dita said in her original post that when she sneaks at look at her dd2 in the playground, the poor girl is crying. Not fighting or kicking or shouting. She is crying. She is sad. That is manifesting itself in moodiness around the people she loves and feels safe around. We all do that.

Give the girl a break.

Don't send either DD to your parents until DD2 has settled or that's just something else for her to worry about.

I think what your father did was too harsh.
This wasn't 'ordinary' or deliberate naughty behaviour. I would think it was outside your daughter's control.
And now some very special people have punished her for something she couldn't help.

I'm certainly no soft touch, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to send her home.

Your dad was probably just concered about your mum. I dint think it's the right thing to donut I can understand now I know about your mum.

J also agree that maybe tea isn't the best thing at thd moment. I would speak to school and see what advice they can offer.

A child who is crying and tantrumming and angry is really not going to be good for a woman who is only just recovering from a breakdown. The last thing she needs is a lot of stress, so I would cut your dad some slack.

It would be unfair for your eldest daughter to miss out on tea with her grandparents, and it will probably do the little one some good to have a bit of one to one time with her mum too perhaps.

If your mums just had a breakdown then do you think she could cope with a stressed badly behaved child at the moment? That could have a lot to do with your dads reaction, he's worried about your mum and if your DD was being a pain then they genuinely may have not been ale to cope with her at the moment.
Having said that I don't think he was being unreasonable anyway, she was warned if she didn't calm down she wasn't going. The original threat may have been a bit harsh but I don't blame him for seeing it through once it had been made.

*able - I really should use preview!

well ikt's anew day, I am going to talk to the class room assistant who is a friend anyway today. rang my mum last night to make sure she was ok, she hadnt even realised it was an issue, dd2 cheered up, dd1 upset now because of some of the issues that are happening in the playground around dd2, I need to get to the bottom of this.

I feel sorry for your DD2 dita poor wee thing, starting school is tough at the best of times. She will settle, and I think speaking to the TA will help, give it time.

As for your Dad, I think your mum's breakdown has contributed to this, and he probably IS stressed, and if your DD2 was playing up, was warned and still didn't temper it, then tbh what else could he have done? Carry on take her to his house and have her kick off there and stress everyone out including your mother?

No.

As tough a week as she is having, she needs to understand that we all get scared, upset and find new things differently, but screaming and shouting will not help anyone to help us.

I think your DH is right to leave the teas at the GP for a few weeks until DD2 is settled.

They get so very tired starting school, it exhausts them and it really plays havoc with their mood and behaviour even if they adore school and find it easy to go.

You need to spend some quiet time talking with DD2, explain to her that it's OK to feel a bit scared about new things, but tantrumming and being rude is never acceptable. Tell her that you know school is tiring, and that until she gets used to it, you'll both see your GP on the weekends only, and not in the week, as she needs her energy for school.

I don't blame your dad, not at all. It may have been harsh, but it won't do DD2 any harm at all to see that kicking off will never solve anything, and that she'll get more out of life and others by being well behaved and talking about things rather than screaming and shouting.