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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am but am really upset for dd2.

65 replies

ditavonteesed · 12/01/2011 17:05

she started school last week and is haviong a bit of trouble settling, everytime i hav caught a peek of her in the playground or anything she has been in tears and she is telliubg me she doesnt want to go. has been having a few paddy's which I expected and havent been making a deal of.
her and dd1 always go to my mums and dads for tea on weds so we met them at school as dd2 only doing half days, she was in a strop with me and being angry, my dad told her he didnt want angry children and she couldnt go to theres if she carried on. anyway they left and I walked home, when I got here they were over the road in the car, my dad took dd2 out of the car and crossed the road handing her to me, he said she is being a pest. they then drove off with dd1 in the car, dd2 has been beside herself for an hour and tbh I expected them to come back for her, they havent even phoned to see how she is.

I really dont think this is going to have helped her settling in, I am annoyed that their love for her is conditiponal and that they cant understand that she is having a really hard week, I wish they hadnt got dd1 with them and they will be back about 6.30 and I really dont know what to say, I honestly cant believe they would upset dd2 this much.
I understand that they are grandparents and shouldnt have to pout up with bad behaviour, I also think that dd2 should get a bit of a break this week as starting school is hard at the best of times. she has wet herself and told me she feels really sick since we havee been in.

So AIBU to think it was not nice and not going to have helped my already sad dd.

OP posts:

tomhardyismydh · 12/01/2011 17:21

spending time with grandparents should not be the deal breaker on a tantrum IMHO. maybe no ice cream after dinner at gps house or sit on naughty step etc. but unfair to just dump her at home with no effort in supporting her.

monkeyflippers · 12/01/2011 17:22

Also mention that this incident has made her first week at school even more stressful.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:22

No - not evil incarnate - he probably didn't know what to do, snapped and then had to follow through. But he's an adult

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 17:23

I agree with activate.

Maybe if she is so upset, it is better that she be with her mum rather than ruining the teatime for grandparents and her sister.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:26

It need not have been ruined if it was handled better.

narkypuffin · 12/01/2011 17:29

I can see why he did it- he warned her and then stuck to it- but it wasn't very helpful in this case. It's rather silly people suggesting that this makes his love conditional- does that mean you should never follow through on punishments? I'd ignore it for now and focus on her. If you talk to him about it having seen how upset your DD was you'll probably end up arguing rather than explaining your POV.

She sounds like she's worked herself up into a state. I don't think that your father is the main problem. Is she getting enough sleep? Can you talk to her teacher about getting her involved in games at playtime?

Booandpops · 12/01/2011 17:30

I agree with Jamie Lee. My dcs r knackered from school and they need a snack or dinner before I can expect any level of reasonable behaviour so we eat as soon as I get in or I take a sandwich if we straight off somewhere. Yr dp are being unreasonable for sure. I'd withdraw next weeks visit to both kids and say until Yr dd has settled in after school tea will not be happening might make them think. My kids couldnt cope with playmates until at least a month into term

maryz · 12/01/2011 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ditavonteesed · 12/01/2011 17:33

dh just home and he said to tell them tea is off until dd2 is settled as she needs to have her tea ay home.

OP posts:

TootaLaFruit · 12/01/2011 17:34

I don't think it's his place to show her the consequences of her moods, that's the OP's job. Her poor dd is having an awful week and I agree that special consideration should be taken for how she's feeling.

The poor girl is out of her comfort zone, probably not knowing where she fits in, finding it hard to make friends... and then her (presumably beloved) gps boot her out of the car and take her sister with them. She's beside herself because not only does she feel alienated and lost at school, but now her safety-place has been compromised too. It's like a double-rejection.

OP, I agree with other posters that you should give her a special evening to make her feel better. Even if it's just pizza and a film together - make her feel loved, safe and secure and tell her how much her gps love her and how much fun she's going to have at school once she settles in.

Phone your Dad and explain how dd is feeling, I'm sure his love isn't conditional and that he had no idea how bad the effect of his actions would be on your dd. And make sure her sister doesn't gloat!

narkypuffin · 12/01/2011 17:35

That sounds very sensible.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:37

My DS1 used to be very tantrummy as a toddler, and it started up again after school when he first started. All his feelings would come out as anger, which is hard to handle because it makes you feel angry back rather than sympathetic. He was (is) really well-behaved at school, put a lot of effort into that, which is tiring - plus physical tiredness.

So when OPs dad said "he didn't want angry children" that struck me. Some people handle anger worse than others. But to say to a 4 year old "you aren't allowed to have an emotion" is pretty harsh IMO, even though I understand where he's coming from.

I think that's why I feel strongly about this - it rings bells with me

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:38

X post - good idea Toota

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 17:39

She has to learn that going to school is not a choice though. Tough as that sounds, it is something she will have to cope with. It shouldnt mean that she can get away with behaving badly.

mutznutz · 12/01/2011 17:39

I think it could all depend on what went on/what was said in the car. You really should talk to your Dad I think.

PigValentine · 12/01/2011 17:40

"she is being a pest" sounds more like they just didn't want to deal with her behaviour rather than he was consistently carrying through a warning.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:40

And she will cope charliesmommy - do you think that everything children do at this age is deliberate?

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:42

Sorry - I meant to say - and she will cope eventually, charliesmommy, with support. Most children do.

Littlefish · 12/01/2011 17:42

That sounds like a sensible solution.

I think your Dad did the right thing though, in that he followed through with what he said would happen. It wasn't a great sanction, but once he'd said it, it was appropriate to carry it through.

However, I don't think you should have even considered sending her for the first couple of weeks. You know she is having a bit of a tough time settling in, and is probably shattered.

Have a lovely time at home with her, with lots of cuddles and early nights and re-start the visits when she's more settled.

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 17:43

I just dont believe in encouraging tantrums and condoning them. I think what the grandfather did was the right thing. She was given a chance to stop playing up, and she didnt stop.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:44

Well we'll have to agree to disagree charliesmommy

Original poster

ditavonteesed · 12/01/2011 17:44

I also have to handle this well as my mum is just recovering from a breakdown and I dont want to upset her.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:47

dita - if this is not a recurrent problem, the I think maybe you should not say anything directly about this. Emotions are high on all sides - you because you are worried, your DD, your mum, and probably your dad - maybe he's worried about keeping things calm for your mum.

Focus on your DD

fannyadams1 · 12/01/2011 17:50

i am very concerned with what i have read. yes, i agree children need discipline and routine. this poor child is going through a period of immense change. family should be on her side, willing to support and understand, without judgement and def without adding even more upset. the poor child is so upset she is wetting herself.
i suggest you talk to the grandparents and get a full explanation (try not to get into blaming or heated discussion) and also talk to the family liason officer within the school as she seems to be finding settling in very difficult. they will talk to you and work out ways where you can all help each other and enable your daughter to be happier in the future, which i'm sure is your main goal

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/01/2011 17:50

Actually - your mum's breakdown explains a lot about your dad's reaction - he's probably really stressed.

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