AIBU not to accept Alcoholism as a disease

[sum1else]

My mother is a long term alcoholic. Her health is suffering as a result. We've tried everything to get her to stop but to no avail. She has very limited involvement with me and my siblings and her grandchildren as a result. It upsets us all so much but she has this deluded attitude that it's not affecting us so why are we worried. I've read various advice forums and lots of them say that alcoholism is a disease. I cannot accept this as I feel she chooses to drink and she chooses not to try and get help to stop drinking. AIBU?

I feel so sorry for you - especially as my dad has been an alcoholic for several years. I've got to say that it is a disease, a very serious addiction. Seeing him drunk before even leaving for work and hiding bottles of booze around the house and his work - no-one would actually choose to do that.

GooseFatRoasties - I was making the link because the OP asks if alcoholism is a disease, as it looks like she doesnt feel it should be categorised that way.

It clearly isnt a disease yet there is a rush to move it into that territory.

The question you need to ask is why are people trying to do this? What benefits are there of alcoholism being a disease rather than self inflicted addiction?

A disease is the first step to a softening of public opinion, more protection under employment law, and more money from the healthcare pot.

I know a self confessed alcoholic, and she is knowingly taking the piss with her employer, her family, and I imagine with the NHS. She needs less sympathy, not more.

YANBU you have done well to limit the exposure to yourself and your own family. alcoholism is fundamentally about escapism and wallowing in self pity/ loathing. anyone close to an alcoholic who doesn't take a zero tolerance approach becomes unfortunately an enabler. fact

sum1else I would like to echo the others here who sympathise with your situation and that I know it is painful seeing someone you love and who apparently loves you continually misunderstanding how their actions affect you.

I am interested in this whole subject, as I have a bad relationship with alcohol and have chosen to forgo it entirely rather than risk it impacting negatively on my loved ones.

My understanding of true alcoholism in the disease sense though is when a person can literally no longer function physically without constantly drinking, and that some of these people appear to live relatively normally until their health fails. I believe there are similarly functioning drug addicts.

I have never been at that stage, but have drunk "regularly" to anaesthatise myself from emotional distress, and it has enabled me to express that distress (inappropriately yes) while feeling as though I wasn't allowed to in "real life". So I choose not to drink now because I have accepted I need to deal with my problems in a healthier way.
(ADs therapy etc).

Some of my issues stem from childhood, some from a horrendous prolonged period of stress following my sons birth 16 years ago. The combination of both has left me with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I am very wary these days of the attitude that people will do almost anything to avoid personal responsibility for their badly managed distress. I was brought up to believe that one should just be able to "pull ones self together", keep calm, carry on, and put others needs first, and for a long time believed that I was a worthless person because I was never happy, despite my perceived advantages.

Even now, although I "know" I can alter my negative thought patterns, "believing" it is a whole can of worms I am still scared to open. If you are programmed to persecute yourself, you repeat those patterns, not because you enjoy it in any sense of the word as you understand it, but because your emotions are warped, you have never experienced true self-esteem, and you fear that experiencing good things when you are not supposed to will be wrong. I can torture myself endlessly into stalemate over this. I used to drink when it got too much. I'd get temporary relief and start the process again. Not good.

Sorry, didn't ant to hijack this but, what I wanted to say is that people are very complex, a product of genes, parenting, environment and culture. Yes, pursuing behaviour that damages both yourself and others without caring about others is selfish, but the "delusion" that it does not means denial, guilt and shame that maybe can't be dealt with.

Sometimes I don't believe I am worth the air that I breathe. I consciously reject these thoughts because I don't want to hurt my family and I am trying to be unselfish, so I have tried to stop my damaging behaviours. I am currently without a true sense of self at 42, and also am aware how self absorbed I sound. The world inside my head is a scary place to be, but my survival instinct is still there and I am lucky that I am going through this now while I have a chance to make things better rather than after years of damage from alcohol or other salves for my "psychiatric injuries".

What I would agree with is that it is right and proper to protect yourself and your family from the stresses that your mother causes, otherwise you are both enabling her and compounding the damage. It is natural to be angry.

I wish you and your family well.

YABU OP.

My mum drank herself to death over a period of about 20 years. I think maybe in the very early stages of her illness she might have been able to get a handle on it if she had exercised some very strong will power, but she was deeply in denial about her problem from the get go.

In the final years, she was completely consumed by alcoholism. It had become more than an addiction, it was a compulsion over which, it was clear to see, she had absolutely no control. It just took over and she was powerless to do anything by that point.

I see alcoholism very definitely like a mental illness in the same way that anorexia is a mental illness, or bulimia is.

There were times when my mum was alive that I was extremely angry with her and frustrated. I thought she was doing it deliberately to hurt us. I understand completely how you are feeling, OP. Even if you could vuew your mum's illness with compassion, it wouldn't make any difference anyway right? Might as well be angry.

That's the thing about alcoholism; it takes power and control away from everyone who comes into contact with it, not just the alcoholic.