to want to drop my teenage DD off at the SS office and tell them I've had enough - can they please take her away!

[CantTakeMuchMore]

I cannot stand the stress she creates in the house. She upsets everybody - she whacks her younger brothers who are starting to hate her, she shouts at us and tells us to get lost, even at her father, she even kicked me when I was pregnant! She has been sent home from school for refusing to go to lessons and has been on report for disruptive behavior numerous times. She is also failing in all her subjects. I am always up the school trying to find out what the hells going on.

She is 14 and has a secure home life. Her father and I have a happy marriage.

She has completely changed in the last 2 years and I am starting to dislike her immensely.

When she is in a good mood she is reasonable but even the slightest thing sets her off and she is nasty. She will not help out in the house and insists on doing all she can to please herself. We do not let her run the streets so I am pretty sure nothing terrible in the way of experimenting with sex/drugs/alcohol has happened to her, but she would have told me anyway.

We do not deserve this from her. We have always done all we can to make her happy. We tell her we love her, kiss her, hug her. She can talk to me about anything and she does and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Either her dad or I are going to loose it with her soon. I have tried to ignore her and put it down to teenage hormones but I am not going to accept it anymore.

Of course, I would never kick her out but I really need to rant!!! I cannot believe I feel this way about my baby girl .

If you are all getting stressed out and hating each other talking to someone impartial might help.

It is possibly the hideous hormones. Have you thought about her going on the pill to even that side of things out?

Does she have many friends and contact with extended family so all of you can get some time out?

I have lived through this situation and it is horrid. You have my sympathy.

sounds to me either lack of sleep - yes I know it sounds simple but I work with teenagers and it's amazing how many just have really bad sleeping patterns. Hormones could be another reason - so might be worthwhile taking her to the doctors and asking about the pill, you can try this for a few months before deciding if she is going to stay on it. Counselling works wonders with some teenagers as well so it's worthwhile looking into this.

Connexions is an agency which works with 13-19 yr olds. they will go into your DD school. It might be an idea to find out who the connexions adviser is and ask them, they often can make referrals for counselling etc and can be someone for your DD to talk to. They are not counsellors but they do offer a confidential service so unfortunately it does mean that your DD might not give permission for them to talk to you freely about what is being discussed but if it improves the situation at home then it could be worth a try.

So sorry for you. The advice here is great, and just to say, better her in her room than storming out of the house and getting into all kinds of trouble "out there" where it is much more dangerous for her and for you and your sanity.

My daughters are only 2 and 6 months so I have not been through this (yet), but while the situation must be really hard for you and your family, it sounds so sad to hear a mother talk about her daughter like that. That you dislike her immensely, her brothers hate her, she is doing badly at school. She may feel all this and perhaps it is making her react in the way she does. Aren't parents supposed to love their children unconditionally, even when they do not behave in ways you like?

My father said to me once that I had stopped "giving him anything" since I was a baby, and my mother - while always saying she loved me when I was a child - has also said to me quite recently that she doesn't like me much anymore. I felt hurt by those comments although they were made when I was already a grown-up.

Sorry if I sound like I judge you, I don't mean to do that, and I don't know what it's like to be in your situation, but I do know that children often need their parents' love and approval most when they are being most challenging and difficult. And it is really quite painful to feel that your parents don't like you or love you at any age!

yes,i agree,you do need to pick your battles!!

op,am going through this atm with my 14 year old dd. school have done a CAF report,which has resulted in counselling. they did a social services referral too for me which enables them to look at other strategies. connexions also speak to dd in school.

there is also parentline (life saver one night) and young minds.

we have a doc appt for some hormone help too. all this started around the time she started periods,so will see.

schoolwork....she is removed from class for the subjects she clashes with teachers in. works alone in support unit and gets all work completed.

i'm a lone parent....seems family set up has little to do with it. it happens anyway!

MarianeM - I adore my daughter and she knows it which is probably why she thinks she can get away with behaving like this. When I say I dislike her, it is because I am only human - there is only so much you can take as a parent ffs!

If I did not care I would not be on here.

DD & I talk all the time. She does not know why she behaves like this and she says she feels sorry afterwards. I know she is desperately trying to keep up with the other girls at school and wants to be a 'popular' like them. We have had countless discussions about being your own person, having your own mind etc. She also will not eat at school in case anyone else sees her as they are all on diets and will call her 'fat' so survives on breakfast only and then ravages the food cupboard when she gets home. She also does not sleep enough. She is put to bed at 9.30 (we actually go and tuck her in to make her get into bed) but she is still up and down the stairs until almost midnight [steam coming out of ears emoticon].

She will not do any activities outside of school either which really upsets me as she was very sporty.

I will be taking her to the doctor to find out if there is any chemical cause. I have already bought her 'positive thinking' type self-help books aimed at teenagers but she won't read them. Not sure about counselling but will say what the GP says.

Thanks for your replies.

sports have dropped off for my dd too,sadly. but she has started the couch to 25k running programme with me. but the silly girl is also smoking,which ive tried to stop,but she wont.

i know how you feel

and i have called ss....they rarely take them into care i'm told. rarely

YANBU... Would you mind dropping my 14yr old DS off at SS seeing as you're going that way?

Lord, he's a pain in the bum atm! He just says "No. Make me" when asked to do anything including homework. How do you 'make' someone much bigger than you do something they don't want to? I took the computer, tv, stereo out of his room last night as he won't do his homework and has been forging my signature in his homework diary and he just said "I don't care" when I said that it was silly that things had got to this point.

He's awful to his younger brother, his older brother can't bear to be in the same room as him and I'm at a loss. He has lots of friends, is popular with both staff and students at school and doesn't go without anything (To a reasonable extent) so I can't understand why he's being such an arse.

Have you heard of Multi-Systemic Therapy? There was an article on R4 today on Woman's Hour about it, dealing with troublesome teens without getting Social Services involved. More info here.
Its work is based on juvenile offenders, but I bet a lot of the ideas work on a wider range of teenagers with problems.

OP - I'm sorry. I obviously got the wrong idea as your post was quite strongly worded.

oh thinthatch - the "make me" challenge. it's awful isn;t it? I've had it from my blinkin 10 year old re going to school. complete with a facial expression and eyes that Catherine Tate would be proud of. her: "You'll have to drag me". me (internally) "shit shit shit what do I do...I actually feel like feckin dragging her...but I know that wouldn't be good". I did actually pull off the cool calm shoulder-shrugging approach. "OK but I'll have to go into school and tell the teacher why you're not coming. and (this was both a gamble and the killer) if she's busy and your friends are already in the class I'll just have to tell her infront of them..."

how big was my inward relief when she came down the stairs.

I keep hoping that maybe she's just getting the terrible teens out of her system early.

Maybe the time has stopped to try and make her happy and lay down the law
Especially about the hitting - it is not acceptable and she will have no books, no money, nothing new etc

You need to take radical action as her behaviour is not acceptable and she needs to see you mean business - if she gives nothing you give her nothing

Get strict is my advice

HatWoman, it's awful isn't it! A few weeks ago he was so rude to me that I said I was taking his phone away for 24hrs. He said "If you want it you'll have to get it yourself" and then held it in his pocket. I ended up ripping the pocket (Not my proudest parenting moment) to get the phone and he said (completely dead-pan) "I think you need to calm down".

Arghhh!

my answer to the 'make me' comments are....'make me' cook,wash your clothes,shop for you and 'make me' give you pocket money/phone contract/internet......i follow through (on the washing one particular time).....she learnt that one quick enough

At 14, I was still out with my mates at 9.30, not in bed. And sorry, but you dont "put" a 14 year old to bed either, or tuck them in!

I suspect all her peers are still up at that time too...

Dont allow her to raid the cupboards when she gets in from school, then she is more likely to eat her dinner.

I really think that you may need to take a few steps back from her, and let her do her own thing a bit more. If she doesnt want to do sports, then fine, thats her choice. I hated sports at that age. Plenty of girls do, some girls dont. Let it be her choice.

I have just had a horrible row with my daughter - her behaviour is just so callous. So I understand fully. We can use excuses like hormones but really, teenage girls can be frightening......I got up to all sorts of things when I was younger but NEVER was horrible to my mother. There have been some wonderful suggestions made - wise wise words.

Talk here so we can all share - there seems to be a huge commonality in some posts. We too have given our DD a loving home - material things.

ILoveTiffany "'Make me' do your washing/give you money/cook/laundry" retort is brilliant! I shall be using that in the very near future so I hope you don't want royalties as it'd cost me a fortune.

Agree with CharliesMommy re not letting your DD raid the food cupboards when she comes in. I'd let her have access to the fruit bowl but nothing else until dinner.

punkatheart....i also cannot understand why its ok these days to be so argumentative and full of attitude. my mum never got that from me. i often think back to why i behaved so well....

Yep, 9.30 is very early...Girl guides for me finished at 10pm and that is for 10-14 year olds!

I think she wants to be treated like the almost-adult that she is- in two years time she could get married, have a baby and leave school, so you need to gradually let her take on more responsibility.

At 14, I was up all night reading and writing crap poetry, my sister was out in nightclubs and my other sister was at student parties. None of us were particular rebels, and we are now a married mum of two, a primary school teacher and a sixth form student predicted straight A*s.

I also don't understand why so many parents of teenagers do all the cooking and cleaning for them- how on earth will they manage when they leave home in a few short years? Also, what message is that sending bout a mum's role?

i'm a lone parent,all my dc have saturday chores. they are the normal chores,so,effectively,between them,they are doing a days chores,leaving me with a 'day off' of sorts .....if one person opts out,the it kinda doesnt work as well,so its teamwork. its quite good for bonding with siblings i've found.

they get pocket money for this....but dd2 doesnt get cash anymore as she somehow uses it for cigarettes,so she gets her pocket money in goods!!

I agree wholeheartedly with Maryz's first post. There is just so much going on at this age - so agree 3 things, and then let everything else go. Grit your teeth, go and scream in the garden, whatever, but let all the other things go.

And know that (as with little children) these things too will pass. Trite as it seems - the teenage phase does also change in 6 month intervals. Adopt the same kind of tactics as you did when they were 2 (firm boundaries) - and then 6 months later adopt the tactics you used when they were 3 (distraction techniques) then 6 months later adopt the tactics you used when they were 4 (shared interest).

When dd1 was being a horrific teen. She and I were just awful together. She'd slam the door go to her room, refuse to speak to me. But then dp might go to her room and I could hear them laughing. I was simultaneously relieved that she was OK and interacting, and also furious that she would do this with him, but not me. Key lesson: work as a team with dp.