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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to drop my teenage DD off at the SS office and tell them I've had enough - can they please take her away!

56 replies

CantTakeMuchMore · 11/01/2011 18:31

I cannot stand the stress she creates in the house. She upsets everybody - she whacks her younger brothers who are starting to hate her, she shouts at us and tells us to get lost, even at her father, she even kicked me when I was pregnant! She has been sent home from school for refusing to go to lessons and has been on report for disruptive behavior numerous times. She is also failing in all her subjects. I am always up the school trying to find out what the hells going on.

She is 14 and has a secure home life. Her father and I have a happy marriage.

She has completely changed in the last 2 years and I am starting to dislike her immensely.

When she is in a good mood she is reasonable but even the slightest thing sets her off and she is nasty. She will not help out in the house and insists on doing all she can to please herself. We do not let her run the streets so I am pretty sure nothing terrible in the way of experimenting with sex/drugs/alcohol has happened to her, but she would have told me anyway.

We do not deserve this from her. We have always done all we can to make her happy. We tell her we love her, kiss her, hug her. She can talk to me about anything and she does and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Either her dad or I are going to loose it with her soon. I have tried to ignore her and put it down to teenage hormones but I am not going to accept it anymore.

Of course, I would never kick her out but I really need to rant!!! I cannot believe I feel this way about my baby girl Sad.

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 18:34

Its quite normal for girls to be full of themselves at that age, more than it is with boys.

I went off the rails at that age, so I can see it from both sides too.

Although I was never violent, and if I had kicked my mum, I would have got a good hiding.

I was gobby and had wayyyyy too much attitude.

Looking back now, I know a lot of it was down to the friends I socialised with, and that influenced me.

Original poster
CantTakeMuchMore · 11/01/2011 18:34

A massive row about her insisting on taking her dinner upstairs to eat to her room has prompted this post. She said she could do what she liked.

We were all nice and calm eating and then boom, she went off on one. Now DH and I are completely stressed out Angry.

OP posts:
rinabean · 11/01/2011 18:35

There must be something wrong at school. Can you try and get her to tell you about what is happening? I'm sorry you're going through this.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 18:37

Does she have a computer in her room?

That could be the reason she wants to take her dinner up there.

Some battles are best left. Would it be a big problem if she ate in her room.

I would just say "ok, make sure you bring your plate down afterwards".

Original poster
CantTakeMuchMore · 11/01/2011 18:38

Charliesmommy - believe me my mum was an absolute cow to me but I never ever did half the things DD has done to me.

Rina - I have been to the school so many times I am on first name terms with the bloody teachers. They have all observed her and say she is happy enough - just completely disruptive and will not do her work.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantTakeMuchMore · 11/01/2011 18:40

Laptop has been confiscated as well as phone. She only has music and books in there now.

I do not want her isolating herself in her room.

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 18:43

I can see your point, but at that age, she will want to spend a fair bit of time in her room.. thats quite normal.

If she is in her room, you know where she is, she is happy, and there are no arguments going on. Leave her to it.

You would rather her be happy doing her own thing in her room than in a care home surely?

Let her have the laptop back on the proviso that there is an improvement in her behaviour. If there isnt, take it away again.

hatwoman · 11/01/2011 18:45

CTMM - sympathies. I have a 10 year old who (already) has us on edge far too frequently. I dread what she'll be like as a teen. small things trigger huge strops. Obviously - not quite like you describe but I do know what's like to have a presence in the house that is draining, often selfish and that you sometimes find yourself at your wits end to know how to deal with it.

do you have an older relative of friend who's done it before who can help? I find my mum a hugely sensible, calming influence - on both myself and dd. as well as the source of a good hug and someone I can cry on. failing that I'd consider looking into family counselling.

but do remember - it's a phase - you will get through it - esp if you and dh stick together.

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 18:45

"We have always done all we can to make her happy"

That may be a red flag as to why this is happening, depending on the details, in terms of to what extent.

Has she had boundries, limits, consequences whilst growing up, or were they avoided due to concerns of causing her unhappiness ?

TattyDevine · 11/01/2011 18:45

YANBU

I have thought of ringing them on many an occasion and begging them to do bath bottle and bed for me, but I've heard the bastids aint that forthcoming with help so I haven't bothered... Grin

Teenage girls...shudder. I was a horror, I'm getting that all coming back to me in about 12 years. Aint karma a bitch Confused

nikki1978 · 11/01/2011 18:47

God I spent all my time in my room as a teenager and I was not too bad and was ery respectful to my parents. I just didn't want to be around them. I wouldn't let her eat in her room - more down to hygiene than anything. But I wouldn't force her to spend time with you either. Let her be a bit.

Have you tried to talk to her about her behaviour or do you just argue with each other?

mutznutz · 11/01/2011 18:47

Totally agree with Charlie they do tend to want their own time and space in their rooms more than ever during those years. Sometimes I would literally forget my teenage son was home.

purepurple · 11/01/2011 18:48

Op, I could ahve written your post. My lovely, funny, generous, articulate, compassionate DD has turned into someone I don't like very much at the moment. She too is 14.
These last few weeks we have had smoking, drinking, truancy, running away from home.
We have done grounding, no pocket money, no computer, no sleepovers.
We are going in to see her school teacher on Friday.
I finally feel as if we are getting somewhere.Her behaviour has improved this week.

ScotlandR · 11/01/2011 18:48

FWIW... I'm pretty sure my mother did this to me at least once!

OmniaParatus · 11/01/2011 18:49

Would it be possible for you to suggest when things are calmer that she talk to a counsellor?

My Dniece was much the same, very disruptive at 14 onward, left home at 16, came back later after having been living with friends and leading a lifestyle that involved drugs and alcohol. She is now 21 and is only now getting help for chronic depression and anxiety. Her GP thinks she may have been suffering from this from 14 onward. She did either exacerbate or trigger this condition through abuse of drugs, which it doesn't sound like your DD, but her situation was exactly the same- unbelievable bad behaviour from someone with a happy home life and no obvious reason to lash out.

I hope I haven't alarmed you and please bear in mind I am not an expert and may be totally wrong. If you can calmly discuss with her how her behaviour makes you feel, and offer an option for her to talk to someone neutral perhaps you might be able to get her to change her behaviour. I hope you can get her help and I really feel for you- my sister had an awful time and couldn't understand why her DD behaved so badly.

Lamorna · 11/01/2011 18:57

I know that it is no help, but I can't help thinking that this should go on the thread of those who want to choose a girl so that they can have the wonderful mother/daughter relationship and a friend to go shopping with! I actually think that DDs can be more difficult that DSs as teenagers, on a positive note, they are often lovely when they get out the other side.

On a serious note I think that OmniaParatus has the right approach and a neutral person might help.

hatwoman · 11/01/2011 18:58

re the room business - I really understand how you feel - the difficulty is that YOU cooked for her and, in no other circumstances would it be acceptable for a person to take a meal someone had cooked for them and go and eat it elsewhere - so that sort of behaviour feels like rejection, it feels rude, ungrateful. However (and this is exactly the sort of reasoning I keep rehearsing to myself) a family IS exceptional - it IS different from all other circumstances and as parents I think we have to nurture the ability to (sometimes) not apply normal rules - to rise above it, to not take it personally.

can you suggest a compromise - that you have family dinner twice a week, for example. that a couple of nights you have more relaxed food - sandwiches that you all make together, that once a fortnight you get a takeway together and, that SHE cooks eg once a fortnight. Obviously I have no idea if those specifics will suit - but what I'm really getting at is the possibility of talking it through and agreeing a compromise solution. and if you manage it over eating maybe a similar approach could work with other things.

all sounds good in theory but I'm a failing parent of a bloody ten-year old so feel free to tell me I'm talking crap!

FrequentNutter · 11/01/2011 18:59

Sounds like my two nieces they were like that until they were 17.

That's girls for you unfortunately.

Am not sure how you can deal with it, my sister rode it out, but it wasn't very pleasant.

Have you been in touch with school to see how she is behaving their? Does she have any problems with her periods as this could all be hormonal.

pawsnclaws · 11/01/2011 19:00

Oh sympathies, my three boys are only young but I dread them going all "Kevin" on me.

All I can say is that I was a pretty stroppy teenage girl to my perfectly patient and placid parents, who seemed completely bemused. Inside I was still the caring, compassionate and funny person one of the other posters describes but on the outside I was a seething mass of hormonal angst. I think it's important to remember the dd you love is still in there!

I grew out of it as most of us do. The balancing act is to make sure she knows the boundaries but give her space to be moody when she needs to be and isn't otherwise hurting anyone. My SIL used to call her teenage son's room The Anger Management Room so bad were his strops, and he's a lovely 22 year old now!

FrequentNutter · 11/01/2011 19:01

14 year olds do spend all their time in their room Im not sure why you would not allow that, at least you know where she is and can check on her.

Far better their than out on the streets.

Don't force her to sit with you that is probably half your problem.

She wants to talk to her mates all night, dance to her music, mess with her hair.

I think you have brought some of this on yourself if she cannot spend time in her own room when she wants.

My kids now much older used to eat dinner in their rooms too! Thats kids for you.

FrequentNutter · 11/01/2011 19:02

Pawns boys are cool! I have two and they don't do it.

pawsnclaws · 11/01/2011 19:03

FrequentNutter I think you're right - how often are we advised with a tantrumming toddler to choose our battles?

FattyArbuckel · 11/01/2011 19:05

Why not try counselling for your dd - or even for yourself? It sounds as though neither of you is happy with your relationship so professional help might be really worthwhile.

I have had some counselling myself recently and it really has improved all my relationships.

Emjxxx · 11/01/2011 19:07

Hi I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time with your teenager, it's an awful time and I can completely sympathise with you. I have copied and pasted a couple of post I left on another thread that was very similar to this, sorry I don't mean that to be rude, but it sums everything up and it was quite a long post and I'm not sure I could rewrite it quite so well again.

No words of advice I'm afraid just to say you are not alone. My DD is 13 and we are having all the same problems. We have help via the school counsellor and link worker,her teachers especially her head of year are very very good and tolerant of her and she has outside counselling. None of it is helping in anyway shape or form. Grounding her doesn't work, she just walks out anyway, she's never home on time at least 45 minutes late and never an apology. We have had to report her missing and have had half the police force out looking for her, eventually found after 9 hours at 530am in the morning.Her bedroom looks like and smells like a tip! Latest was her refusing to go to bed and keeping us all up. At 230am I had had enough and stormed into her room to find her on the laptop!!! she had sneaked downstairs turned the router back on and from some internet site had got some sort of password that over rid the security and time lock. She was on FB! talking to older men and sending them very provocative photos of herself. I went mad (as you would)she was threatening to hit me and smash my face in and she did actually hit and push me a few times, she ended up jumping out of her bedroom window (this is at 230am). She sat on the ledge thing that's just below her window over the front door and realised she couldn't jump down but also couldn't get back in her window. She then went on to wake the whole street up by screaming and shouting at the top of her voice, calling me every name under the sun. We have at this moment in time taken all luxuries off of her including hair dryer and straigteners! We have told her that she either has to get a paper round and buy her things back off of us or go to Cadets and prove she deserves her things returned to her. She's chosen to go to Cadets.......we will wait and see. It breaks my heart when she behaves in this way as I feel I have completely failed her, I can't begin to imagine what it is that is making her so unhappy and miserable that she acts like this, i have begged and pleaded with her to tell me what the matter is. I love my little girl so much. What's even more frustrating is that she is, despite her behaviour, doing well at school and based on her recent test results she heading for A's and B's. Her school report said that her attitude is holding her back from reaching her full potential

I would suggest counselling as previous posts have, it seems to be helping a bit with our DD and also the cadets seems to be having a positive impact too.

I love my DD deeply, but I don't like her much sometimes, I think it's ok to feel like that. All the best and I hope you make some head way with your DD.

Emjxxx · 11/01/2011 19:09

OOOpps posted too early! Meant to say I posted that back in November 2010 and since then the counselling seems to be slightly helping and the cadets, as said seems to be having a positive impact.