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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I smacked my son today.

78 replies

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:41

I am not a big believer in corporal punishment at all, but I did smack him. He's ten.

He has a very good friend, who he stays with, (parents also friends of ours, and we like them very much), who are a bit more liberal than us about their kids' viewing habits, and I know they are letting them watch "The Inbetweeners" - I don't really mind that tbh - they are great people and have great kids. But I think this programme is a bit much for 10/11 year olds myself.

Anyway - I had a bit of an argument with my son today, as he wanted to go to the shop in the village - usually fine - but it was dark, he didn't want to go by himself in the dark, and I couldn't be arsed to take him myself to go and buy sweets. And my son called me a "fcking cu*t".

And I really got cross and in the end I smacked his leg.

I feel really bad about this now, although my son was fine (obviously I didn't actually do him an injury), but I shouldn't have hit him.

OP posts:
Thelastnameleft · 11/01/2011 11:03

I was a child in the 70's and a teen in the 80's..corporal punishment was very real back in the 70's early 80's.. I think they started phasing it out with the introduction of the Children Act 1989.

Thelastnameleft · 11/01/2011 11:04

Sorry forgot to say, OP.. I have been there too, seems like a lot of us have. The worst part is just how awful YOU feel for ages afterwards isnt it.

mamatomany · 11/01/2011 11:09

It's like another planet Star IMO, but within the UK and British people as far as I could tell, my mum and her sisters certainly are and I couldn't tell you how many smacks around the face and head we got as kids.
By the time my brothers came along it had progressed to the bum and legs so that's something.

Chandon · 11/01/2011 11:10

mistake, but not a biggie. There are lots of effective ways to tell them off at this age (restricting computer time, tv time, parties etc.).

YANBu to be cross.

I would NOT be happy if my 10 year old saw inbetweeners, and not happy if someone let my children see that. It's 18 for a reason.

I think the series is hilarious, but knowing how much kids look up to bigger kids, I dread to think they want to emulate the boys in this series as being "cool" (the joke of the series is after all that they are not, but 10 year olds might not see that).

My anger would be more directed towards these parents.

classydiva · 11/01/2011 11:13

I wouldnt be happy letting an 11 year old watch The Inbetweeners. I get embarassed whatching it with my 17 year old.

RealityIsShaggingWithIntent · 11/01/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yukana · 11/01/2011 11:27

I say you shouldn't have hit him, however, I have strong reasoning for saying this.

I think it's best you talk to him about it, and I'd be a bit worried in the same situation where my child had learnt those words from.

Don't bring yourself down, and go into his room and ask him to apologise for what he said, which if he was me I'd also apologise (after receiving his apology) for smacking him and give him a hug. Then talk to him about it.

Gentle but firm in this case.

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 11:29

Sorry mamatomany but I dont think where in the UK you lived excuses that behaviour in any way. It's more about parents feeling it's acceptable to assault a child. Whether they be poor parents from sink estates in London or rich parents from a country mansion in Surrey - it's not excuse for slapping a child round the face.

borderslass · 11/01/2011 11:37

That's the way I was brought up mamatomany we (my sisters and I) swore our children would NEVER live in fear like we did, the night I left home I was knocked across the room for coming home at 9.15 instead of 9, I was nearly 17. I got the police to come with me to get my stuff the following week as I'd received a note at work to say get it or he was going to bin it all and when I arrived to get everything he acted like parent of the fucking century.
I remember a garden cane sitting in the corner as a child as a threat as well and he used it.

mamatomany · 11/01/2011 11:41

I'm not suggesting it's acceptable but it happened, I wouldn't describe the place as a sink estate either, I've seen worse but there has been a lot work done by sure start in the area so hopefully things have improved for the next generation.
I personally can forgive a parent who snaps and smacks though before one who says I'm going to smack you, has a moment to compose themselves and then still goes a head and smacks, which is not what happened in the OP's case.

Gogopops · 11/01/2011 11:44

Bet he wont be swearing at you like this again. Sometimes kids need a bit of a wake up call.

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 11:44

it wouldnt make a difference if mum or dad did it. your son didnt get it from tv, cunt is rarely used on tv he got it from school and theres nothing you can do about it.

id have smacked round the face for that not on the leg.

wehavenothingtoenvy · 11/01/2011 11:47

I'm shocked at some of these posts. OP - I don't think a smack for a 10 year is an appropriate disciplinary tool but hey we are all human and make mistakes it isn't that big a deal.

What shocks me is the amount of people saying "oh I would have done worse, I would have smacked his mouth" etc. On what planet is this right? Hmm

Takeresponsibility · 11/01/2011 11:48

I think the very fact that you don't smack him nornally, but on this particular occasion his behaviour was so bad that you smacked will have taught him a valuable lesson.

Thre have to be certain boundaries that children are taught not to cross, and that the repercussions will be greater than normal.

You as the parent have a responsibility to set these boundaries and stick to them. If that means enforcing them at times then that is what you have to do.

As he gets into his teens he will push at the boundaries more and more, as a parent you have to choose which ones are acceptable to let gop of, and which ones remain in place.

I would have smacked his leg, but not his face. I did slap my DSS round the face once for calling his Dad a C**t, but he was 19 and 6'4" (Son not hubby!) at the time.

Cleofartra · 11/01/2011 11:55

YANBU to have WANTED TO

But you shouldn't have smacked him.

And I shouldn't have smacked my 11 year old dd yesterday either for screaming and throwing a shoe at me (because I told her off for being late back from school - we have a strict rule about this since she went AWOL for two hours after school last term and the police ended up getting involved).

I just checked my email just now and found one from a friend who teaches parenting courses, asking if I want to do a four week course on coping with anger. Strange coincidence...... I shall be signing up today!

Cleofartra · 11/01/2011 11:56

Want to add, I think the Inbetweeners is totally unsuitable viewing for children of this age. I would ask the other boys parents not to put it on when my child was around.

Kitsichick · 11/01/2011 12:30

yabu although you were sorely provoked you are the adult and needed to have taken a deep breath and not let the anger get to you. It is never forgivable to smack a child. As it is he will have learned that there are two words which will def get a reaction from you and you will find it hard to justify to him in future why violence is wrong.

redcats · 11/01/2011 13:16

i absolutely dont think you should apologise for smacking him. you may regret your choice of action now but the point for him si to understand clearly that what he did/said was very not okay. you have conveyed that message 9although you may choose a different method another time) and since you didnt actually injure him or hit his face then I dont think it will benefit HIM for you to dilute the message you have given

rockinhippy · 11/01/2011 14:01

It is never forgivable to smack a child

it is also never forgivable to let a Child get away with crossing the line, & NOT doing enough to make sure he doesn't do it again,& that way they learn to respect, not just themselves, but others too.... & not all kids respond to the (IMO) overly PC never smack Positive Parenting doctrine, ....some do, & if you have one of those you are lucky, but some also push the boundaries further & harder & need bringing back into line....you cannot judge ALL Kids on your experience of your own....& if the shock of a slap around the legs from a Parent who has already said it is NOT something she would normally do, does the trick, then a BIG pat on the back from me, to a Parent who takes her responsibility seriously ....shame theres not a lot more like her,

Bingtata · 11/01/2011 14:20

I agree with most of your post rockinhippy, but being part of the 'never smack' brigade doesn't always mean that you are following the positive parenting doctrine. I just believe there are other ways of punishing a child who oversteps the mark that doesn't involve physical violence.

I personally also wouldn't pat anyone on the back who knowingly let their 10yo watch 'The Inbetweeners' and then pass off the responsibility for this by saying that it is another boy's parents who actually let him watch it, and then smacked him for using language from that show towards her.

Kitsichick · 11/01/2011 14:24

'shame there's not a lot more like her'??
You can't be serious. Would you really advocate a lot more parents smacking their children?
Adults have the gift of language and explanation and self control. I think it is only very thick headed, very thin skinned people with low social skills who could POSSIBLY imagine that dealing out a whack was successful parenting.
TBH I am absolutely shocked that so many of you think it's okay. It is NOT okay.

Takeresponsibility · 11/01/2011 15:55

I respect your right to hold that opinion Kitsichick, but I happen to believe that there are a lot of children and young adults who's parents have failed to instill any sense of self discipline and respect in them and their actions reflect this.

I'm not advocating beating children for every misdemeanour but the occasional slap when they go way too far establishes boundaries.

GabbyLoggon · 11/01/2011 16:12

catnao

Worry not, no big deal on its own

there is a funny side to it. Your child may have been reading mumsnet sites

nogreatexpectations · 11/01/2011 16:16

Child is a human, not yet grown to be an adult, but no less human and of no less value.

Children learn from adults, that either it is ok to hit others in anger or it isn't. In terms of both child protection and the laws set up to protect all people from harm, OPs actions are of a more serious offense than name calling. Children are the most vulnerable within society, vulnerable to the actions and influences of adults, friends and all forms of media. A really useful opportunity wasted, because I know that as a teenager/older child if I had been hit I would have felt justified in swearing, not just once but anytime after.

OP needs to say sorry.

monkeyflippers · 11/01/2011 16:24

I would tell the other parents what your child said and use that as a reason for him not watching that program anymore (say you think he picked it up from there even if he didn't). I've never seen it but by what others are saying it's way too old for him. The parents shouldn't object considering what he said. By the way, you don't have to tell them he called YOU that as that might be embarrassing for you but just say he called someone it.

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