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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I smacked my son today.

78 replies

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:41

I am not a big believer in corporal punishment at all, but I did smack him. He's ten.

He has a very good friend, who he stays with, (parents also friends of ours, and we like them very much), who are a bit more liberal than us about their kids' viewing habits, and I know they are letting them watch "The Inbetweeners" - I don't really mind that tbh - they are great people and have great kids. But I think this programme is a bit much for 10/11 year olds myself.

Anyway - I had a bit of an argument with my son today, as he wanted to go to the shop in the village - usually fine - but it was dark, he didn't want to go by himself in the dark, and I couldn't be arsed to take him myself to go and buy sweets. And my son called me a "fcking cu*t".

And I really got cross and in the end I smacked his leg.

I feel really bad about this now, although my son was fine (obviously I didn't actually do him an injury), but I shouldn't have hit him.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 11/01/2011 08:27

Leaving aside the smacking as I don't really think that it is an issue, since you are so upset about it you obviously do not do it regularly. And I agree with Cantspel that smacking on the face is a definite no no.

Ok.

What I want to know is whether he was punished for what he said to you.

The smack was an immediate reaction, out of anger and shock.

But did you eg. take away TV or Playstation time (assuming he has one)

or has it been forgotten about?

melikalikimaka · 11/01/2011 08:36

I think smacking someone so old could lead to further violence and you don't want to get to that, do you! You could end up in a proper fight. A sharp tap on the shoulder usually works with my DS who is 11 years and I make sure he knows he has offended me in a big way. He knows that a word with Dad will follow and that isn't worth the hassle. Wink

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/01/2011 08:56

OP, I am prepared to be flamed here.
Yesterday I slapped DS1's leg for calling me a "Stupid fucking bitch", this is the 5th time in 2 weeks he has done so. I now have a lovely 3 yr old (DS2) who has started repeating it.

Yes I slapped DS1's leg because he knows I will not toloerate him swearing as big as he is - he may be 12 but he is still a child and does know right from wrong.

For those with previous experience, other than telling DS2 its not a nice thing to call mummy, how do I discourage it when he has an older brother behaving this way?

cantspel · 11/01/2011 09:03

I would let the 3 year old see how the 12 year old suffers his punishment.
Smacking a 12 year old is going to have little effect so i would get him where it realy hurts.
Grounding him
taking all hims money
remove everything from his room bar his bed and school clothes
No TV, PS3, xbox ect
I wouldn't do all at once but a warning that next offence a would happen then b, c ect

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/01/2011 09:10

Cantspel, problem is like the OP I reacted, not the first time but after the 5th time. Prior to that I gave him a chance to stop, had spoken to him about it punished him etc but to no avail and unfortunatly I did react yesterday.

Anyways I didn't mean to hijack the thread Blush

NoWayNoHow · 11/01/2011 09:19

If my son ever called me that, he'd be lucky to get away with a leg smack.

That is COMPLETELY unacceptable behaviour on his part, and I think the fact that you smacked him (something you never normally do) will have given him a very short, sharp shock, and made him realise how completely out of line he was.

I fall firmly in to the camp that a smack on the hand or bum when there is outrageous behaviour can serve very well as a "snap them out of it it" manoeuvre. (e.g. when my DS unclipped his whole car seat on the M25!!).

cantspel · 11/01/2011 09:20

Evenstar the reaction is understandable but by 12 i dont think smacking has any real affect. They will just blaze it out.

Maybe your punishments need to be harder so they really effect his day to day life.
My soon to be 13 year old hates being grounded, to see all his mates going off to the skate park or bmx track whilst he is stuck indoors with only a book to read is a real killer.
But then not all children are the same so you have to know what is really important to him and take it away.
Make him learn there is consequences of his actions.

iwanttolearn · 11/01/2011 09:26

We all make mistakes, so don't worry.

As someone else said, he'll face worse consequences if he says those words to someone else when he's older, its better to let him know how inappropriate they are.

Some things sound grown up, but also does he know what he was saying? You could try and explain (in an easier way) what a cunt is and ask him why he would say that to anyone?

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/01/2011 09:28

I would probably have done the same, and it won't do him any harm. One of my clients (teenager) called me a cunt recently and I swore at him and hung up the phone. Very unprofessional! But I reacted to the word, and your DS needsto learn that word is not ok.

Inbetweeners is too old for 10 year olds to IMO.

GypsyMoth · 11/01/2011 09:35

Those friends who allow 'inbetweeners' are certainly NOT great parents!!!!

Have you watched the programme?? I have an issue with my 16 year old watching it, let alone a ten year old!

TheRunawayWife · 11/01/2011 09:38

I would have got the wasabi out had my 10 year old come out with those words

tomhardyismydh · 11/01/2011 09:49

I think you reastarined your self verry well. i too would have administared a smack to the gob for tha.

tomhardyismydh · 11/01/2011 09:50

also the inbetweeners for a 10 year old [shocked] totally not great parents.

rockinhippy · 11/01/2011 09:51

Good for you, & don't be so hard on yourself, I'm not a big believer in corporal punishment either, but now & again, when they REALLY ask for it, as your Son did, a slap on the legs or bum will do them more good than harm, my DD would most certainly get a slap & more if she ever spoke to me like that & she knows it & is therefore pretty disgusted when she hears other Kids speak to Teachers or Parents like that - yet I can count on 1 hand the number of times she has had a smack...IMO, provided its controlled & not OTT, I wish more parents would, its teaches them respect & does them good not harm

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 10:05

I really hope those of you who are saying you would have smacked their faces are joking / making the OP feel better about the situation?

I cannot imagine slapping dd in the face, no matter what she said to me. A slap on the face is just not an acceptable thing to do to a child.

Washing mouths out with soap?!? Shock Do people really do this to their children? I saw a poster here once saying if her children swear then she puts hot mustard in their mouths... That is disgusting!

Op, relax, don't worry. But have a very strong word of warning to him about never using that language again!

Adversecamber · 11/01/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaWeaselMys · 11/01/2011 10:16

I think you shouldn't blame yourself because you were shocked and you feel bad about it now, as well as knowing you had other options that you just didn't think of at the time.

However smacking in the face?? In what crazy world is that proportional to a 10yr old saying some words he didn't know what meant trying to get a reaction?

My mother hit my sister in the face for saying another girl at school was a cow. Was that appropriate too? No! Of course it wasn't! My mother was three biscuits short with a volatile temper.

mamatomany · 11/01/2011 10:30

In our day 80's, maybe 90's who didn't get smacked around the chops, everyone did it. Wouldn't happen now though.
I still seeth with resentment at the teacher who put me over her knee for something minor, I did wet myself all over her legs though so maybe she suffered more than I did Grin

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 11/01/2011 10:36

I recall being smacked by my parents twice - it was such a shock & really conveyed to me what a shock/trauma my behaviour has caused them.

Hopefully this smack will convey the same to your son. It's totally out of order calling you that, and you probably had a kind of instinctive reaction. Good that you are shocked by it too, but you aren't the only one to learn a lesson here.

Bingtata · 11/01/2011 10:42

You are a person as well as a parent and no one deserves to be spoken to using that kind of language. Equally no one deserves to be hit. You both did something you regret (I'm sure he feels bad too) and you need to talk about it - to model to him that we all make mistakes but we can apologise for our unacceptable behaviour and move on having learnt from it.

A smack in the face does stay with a child, I know because I had one. I think that is awful and in no way a justifiable reaction. I can't think of any situation it would be ok for me to punch/slap someone else in the face unless they were physically threatening my safety and I had no choice. It would not be okay for my DH to slap me in the face and it would not be ok for me to do it to him. What kind of lesson does it teach?! One that says its not ok to use bad language and I am so angry that you did that I'm going to show you that it is acceptable to physically assault someone instead?

Tryharder · 11/01/2011 10:45

NoWayNoHow- my son opened the car door on the M25!!! My fault, I suppose for not having childlock on.

OP, your son deserved that smack, now put it out of your mind and forgive yourself. Do not apologise to him or try and make it up to him - he did a very, very bad thing. My DS1 spat at me once and was soundly smacked. He hasn't done it again. I know smacking isn't great or ideal but we are only human...

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 10:46

mamatomany

I was a child in the 80's and a teenager in the 90's and I have never been slapped around the face or head. I think most children of the time would agree. It is not normal behaviour to slap a child around the face/head.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 10:51

You reacted instinctively, and now feel shitty. This is a normal reaction, I think. Personally, I would apologise for the smack, but would definitely enforce other sanctions and let him know just how upset/angry/disappointed you are with his behaviour. And 'The Inbetweeners' for a 10 year old? No way is that suitable. It is adult humour aimed at adults. Half the comedy is about laughing at how stupid teenagers are.

mamatomany · 11/01/2011 10:56

Lucky you Star it was where we were brought up, in fact I was sat watching a woman in a que in just 2001, she had 4 kids and in the time it took her to be served (for fags i'm afraid) she'd hit each one of her 4 kids including a toddler around the head twice. And nobody said a thing.

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 10:59

Really mamatomany ? Do you mean another country or another part of the uk?