to be fucking furious with myself for being a fat, lazy, slob??

[AngryLardArse]

I cannot believe I have spent 15 fucking years being fat.

15 wasted years feeling ugly and miserable. Our finances have suffered because I have never stayed in a job for long because I want to hide myself away all the time. My DCs have never known me as the slim, atttractive, fragrant woman I once was. I used to turn heads because I was gorgeous, now I turn heads because people mutter 'look at the arse on that'. I used to be a size 8-10 and spend hours getting ready to go out and look bloody great. I used to told that I should be a model with my amazing legs that now look like sausages. I had people wanting to draw my beautiful face that now looks like an over inflated balloon.

I have tried every 'diet' - Lighterlife, Cambridge, Slimfast, Weightwatchers and simply cutting out the crap and exercising. I have taken out gym memberships that I have not used after the first 2 months, bought DVDs and books, started walking and swimming but I can never keep it up.

I am now a massive 17st 2 fucking lbs and I am furious with myself for allowing myself to be like this. Simply because I have always put myself last, my teenage DD has nicer underwear and makeup than me ffs. She has never seen me wearing heels or a lovely dress.

I promised myself this would be the year I do it and we are already on the 10th January and I have done sod all so far apart from buy another DVD that I have not yet opened. I am 40 in October and my late 20s and all my 30s have been completely wasted in fatness. Before long I will be too old to wear all the lovely clothes I want to wear!!!

I want to scream - why can't I do it?

AIBU to think I am a fucking disgrace? Don't be gentle - tell me I should be furious with myself and am ruining my DCS life because I have isolated myself from people, we have no social life at all and I have no confidence to go out and get a job and a life.

OP - I could have written your post. I'm exactly the same, no-one's fault but my own. yes, I have had a troubled past and my self-esteem has been at zero. My (now) DH loves me the way I am, but I don't love me. I have a 2yr old DD, I'm always thinking that I'm letting her down by not being able to run around with her, or find it difficult to get on the floor to play puzzles with her. And, even worse, I'm shortening my life and potentially not being around when she needs me most.
So, what shall we do about it? Do you fancy joining up, as some others have suggested, and being a virtual support group? we could take one day at a time and motivate each other and support each other when we have a slip. It might be easier to be honest with each other if we don't know each other in RL?

As a start, I pledge to eat healthily today and to take my DD out on her bike.
Hope you're feeling a bit better about yourself this morning - a lot of us are in the same boat and understand how you feel, but it sounds to me that you are a great mum who has this one achilles heel. That doesn't make you totally bad, does it?
Have a good day today, I'll check back later to let you know how I got on with my healthy eating and getting outside for exercise.
Take care x

OP - first of all have a big hug ((()))

My childhood was pretty shocking and I pretty much buried it until I had my dd. I remember being in hospital with her a few hours after she was born and just bursting into tears but I knew I would kill or die for her and couldn't understand how/why my mother never felt that for me. Have you had CBT since you had your dc's ?

With regard to losing weight, you have the incentive. You want your dd to see you looking beautiful. Just imagine yourself as mother of the bride in 5/10/15 years time. How do you want to look ? Are you even going to be there if you don't do something about your weight now. Don't wait any longer..

Baby steps. Drink lots of water. Every time you think you are hungry, have a glass of water to make sure you aren't just thirsty/bored. Join a slimming club. Slimming world is good or something like Rosemary Conley (sp ?) normally has an exercise element as well. Wii fits are great. Would your Dh and dc's join in with you ? What sort of exercise appeals to you (or perhaps what sort repels you the least ?). Aerobics ? Zumba ? Walking ? Swimming ? Chose one and do it at least twice per week to start with. I know your self confidence is non existent but getting out to classes will be so much more effective and will improve your social life. As you can see from the replies here - you won't be the only person feeling like this ..

If you're not feeling brave enough to get out to clubs/classes in rl, then join or set up something here on mn so that you can support each other. I weigh in weekly and have a graph plotting my weight loss on the fridge (geek !). Its great to see that line gradually going down

Good luck

Your original post nearly made me cry Possibly because I can see a little of myself in it - especially that feeling of not being 'worth' nice clothes and effort.

FWIW I don't think it is about the weight. To me it seems like it is about your confidence in yourself and that the weight is one of the many side effects of that lack of confidence (Librashavinganotherbiscuit puts this much better than me). I am thin (actually thinner at the moment than before I had my children) and I am still finding excuses not to look after myself and make that effort. In contrast, our children's God Mother must be around 17 stone and I secretly envy her glamorous and 'polished' style.

My children are still both very young and although I feel old (at 31) I know I am not. Your post has made me realise that I need to find that time for myself now before my confidence gets eroded even more.

One final thing that occurs to me - a few people have said that perhaps your weight is one of the ways you 'punish' yourself which seems to make some sense. If that is the case it would be wise to address your confidence issues before dieting to avoid putting yourself at risk of other eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.

[Hugs]

Have you read Neris and India's Idiot Proof Diet ?

My friends and I refer to it in hushed tones as "The Pink Book". It's fabulous. Neris and India really know what they're talking about.

I have lost almost 3 stone since the summer and am a changed woman. I could've lost more if I didn't drink quite so much wine.

I've been overweight for the last ten years, but recently just lost 2 stone without really trying.

Here's how: my DD started school in Sept, and I walk her to school (a mile away) then walk home, then later on collect her on foot also. That's 4 miles a day. 20 miles a week. The fat just literally slipped away.

I found that as I got slimmer I naturally started to eat less. I haven't been this slim since my mis-twenties (I'm 37 now). I feel amazing.

So my advice is get walking! Is there somewhere you go regularly, into town maybe, or to work, that you could start walking to? Take an Ipod, and don't dawdle.

Clearly this won't suit everyone, but it has done the trick for me.

Started a new thread, over in Big/Slim entitled 'The Last time I will need to lose weight'.

Thanks to all.

Libra - you are so right.

Am just off to WALK into town and re-register at my local Esporta. I do actually enjoy working out when I get started and I deserve to go so will. That will be my social life for now. Housework can wait!

I have just bought the book recommended for my Kindle. I hope it works.

sparkle your post could have been written by me.

Will go and join the new thread.

Off to get India, Nerys and the low carb gourmet book. And start walking. A lot.

Think it takes a long time to do it properly. I remember a secretary at work who was enormous - you would look at her and the first thing you would think was "fat". She quietly changed her eating habits and went to the gym every lunchtime. Two years later she was a size 10. Literally unrecognisable and stayed that way.