to be fucking furious with myself for being a fat, lazy, slob??

[AngryLardArse]

I cannot believe I have spent 15 fucking years being fat.

15 wasted years feeling ugly and miserable. Our finances have suffered because I have never stayed in a job for long because I want to hide myself away all the time. My DCs have never known me as the slim, atttractive, fragrant woman I once was. I used to turn heads because I was gorgeous, now I turn heads because people mutter 'look at the arse on that'. I used to be a size 8-10 and spend hours getting ready to go out and look bloody great. I used to told that I should be a model with my amazing legs that now look like sausages. I had people wanting to draw my beautiful face that now looks like an over inflated balloon.

I have tried every 'diet' - Lighterlife, Cambridge, Slimfast, Weightwatchers and simply cutting out the crap and exercising. I have taken out gym memberships that I have not used after the first 2 months, bought DVDs and books, started walking and swimming but I can never keep it up.

I am now a massive 17st 2 fucking lbs and I am furious with myself for allowing myself to be like this. Simply because I have always put myself last, my teenage DD has nicer underwear and makeup than me ffs. She has never seen me wearing heels or a lovely dress.

I promised myself this would be the year I do it and we are already on the 10th January and I have done sod all so far apart from buy another DVD that I have not yet opened. I am 40 in October and my late 20s and all my 30s have been completely wasted in fatness. Before long I will be too old to wear all the lovely clothes I want to wear!!!

I want to scream - why can't I do it?

AIBU to think I am a fucking disgrace? Don't be gentle - tell me I should be furious with myself and am ruining my DCS life because I have isolated myself from people, we have no social life at all and I have no confidence to go out and get a job and a life.

Oh and if do decide to try CBT (as snorbs said) maybe ask your GP if you can do it online? I have a psychotherapist who rings me up and I'm doing a course online for panic disorder.

Oh - and exercise alone just isn't going to do it. You need to massively overhaul how you eat and Slimming World is great for that.

Walk to a shop tomorrow and buy the Slimming World magazine, some lovely recipes in this month's edition and very inspirational stories including women who have lost over three stone in four months to get to target - that's around three pounds a week but it adds up!

You can always download the cheats to the Wii Fit and lose weight in an instant

Just trying to make the OP laugh a bit before anyone has a go

I didn't want this to slide out of active convos without being noted - although I may not be the best person to answer...

First off, you need to give yourself a bit of credit - loosing wieght - and the habits you've built up isn't an easy thing to do - and I dread to think what percentage of women are on a diet right now....

I suspect you're putting it off because:

• it's scary - it would mean a big change to your life
• it just feels too big - where do you start?

Can you break it down into little bits? Set yourself some low level goals - decide what would be a sensible amount for you to loose over a month; what would be a manageable amount of exercise. And if you fall of the wagon, keep getting back on. Easier said than done, I know, & hopefully some of those out there who've done more impressive weight loss than me will come along with better advice.

And, make it not just about loosing weight, but about re-finding the woman you were. So reward yourself too - perhaps decide on a day a week when you'll do yourself a little spa treatment - a manicure, a pedi, pluck your eyebrows, dye your hair, give yourself a facemask, chuck out your manky pants - just one thing a week will soon add up, and hopefully you'll start to feel groomed, and like your looks are more worth looking after. I'm crap at that sort of thing, but I do know that when I start, I get on a roll. At least for a bit!

Personally, I'd want to think about underlying stuff too - what do you do for you? That gives you pleasure & a sense of acheivement/fun? What were the sorts of things that gave you a buzz in your 20s that you miss?

(By the way, I think it's totally normal for teenagers to have better clothes, make up, & figures than their mums isnt it?!?)

x-post with loads of people

Have you read the Oliver Burkeman web chat? It's got some good advice including something like 'stop waiting for the big mindset changes, tell yourself you'll go out for a brisk walk for 30 seconds'.

It's the little changes that add up. Be kind to yourself.

Actually I was just furious but now I'm in tears reading your replies - thank you.

Yes I do hate myself, probably because my mother hated me. I have had CBT for that but I know it will take a long time for my brain to change over 30 years of negative thoughts but I am working on it.

I do sabotage myself and I get so angry because I have had so many opportunities to lose this weight. I really do not put any energy into how I look and feel at all - it all goes on the DCs. Really difficult to change that.

I know I could have lost all my excess weight 10 times over if I had just made simple changes to my diet and added regular exercise and that's what makes me so mad at myself. My DH is very supportive and gets angry sometimes because I am always whining 'if only I could lose this weight'.

I try extreme things to sort it out quickly and I can have pretty good willpower but then my routine may have to change, i.e like the DCs being ill or going on holiday (never enjoyed a holiday in years and we have been to fabulous places) and I then completely give up.

I am terrified this year will end the same way. I know being slim is not the be all and end all, but I feel uncomfortable and like absolute shite all the bloody time!

I'm just wondering what changed? You used to be gorgeous, and then you stopped caring. Did something happen? I might try working out what caused the change in your thinking, why did you stop thinking you were worth something.
I also wonder if you think that the way you look is the only important part of your life. Surely you have other qualities that mark you out as a decent human being.
Sorry I don't have any answers, but I would think you should invest time in finding yourself again, rather than just going on diet after diet.

Oh and I have no bloody friends to go to Weightwatchers or for a walk with - just to make me sound even more pathetic!

At the risk of sounding woo have you tried reiki? I've got my reiki 2 and it changed my life. I even stopped smoking straight after doing level 2 I didn't smoke much but certainly went off it. Look into it if you don't know anything about it? It's very healing so you can feel worse for a wee while before you feel better but it's worth it. I used to think it was a load of tosh but it's fantastic.

Sarf - I started putting weight on with my 1st pregnancy - 9 stone pre-pregnancy to 13 after. Then it just kept on piling on. I'd lose a stone or 2 then put it back on and so on.

I think all my anxieties from my childhood hit me when I had my own DCs.

Mum's have a lot to answer for At least 5 of my friends had shit mothers (sorry to be so blunt) but they ranged from psycho drunks to the plain selfishputmenfirst types. My dad was no picnic but I think when it's your mum as a daughter you feel so betrayed?

AngryLardArse - I think you need to deal with your childhood and relationship with your mother. It may be that this is affecting you and yor emotional relationship with food. Have you tried psychotherapy? You can explore more deeply the reasons behind your inner critical voice which seems you inhereted from your mother.

I only started to lose weight when I started to face those inner demons and food stopped being a substitute and a crux. Of course take all the excellent advice here about diet and exercise but invest some time in yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well

The fact that you have neglected yourself to put your kids first, shows what a lovely selfless mum you have been. Do not be too hard on yourself.

Yes I can imagine having your own dcs brings it to the fore. Do you still see her?

mutznutz wouldn't that be great Or even better if we could just plug ourselves into the USB and lose weight?

Ok, you asked for not gentle.....

You are fat. It's your fault. No-one else's. If you carry on, you will probably die in the next 10-20 years rather than the next 30-40 years.

It's obvious you want to change and I admire you for your honest post. Don't think i could have, even on a forum like this where your anonymity is maintained.

So the questions in my mind are:

1. Why did you overeat? Did something trigger it? eg. life event? bullying? Be honest. You can't fool yourself.

2. What can you do about it? If your trigger is psychological then that needs sorting first. If its just a sedentary lifestyle which got out of hand (ie. laziness) then that's easier.

Unfortunately I don't think you can do it alone. You've tried taking small steps but I think you need to get help. A partner to motivate you. Someone who you won't want to let down.

Then you need both a proper diet & exercise. In short, a complete change in life.

But unless you figure out how you got here and make a complete change, you'll just end up back at square 1.

Over the last year I've managed to change from being a bit of a lardy arse who couldn't run round the block to being pretty fit and looking to do a 10k in a couple of months.

It wasn't easy and without being pushed and pushed by instructor's and my peers, I'd have never done it.

I wish you luck and that you find the inner strength you need to take that first step. It's usually the hardest.

Curious - yes and I don't want to repeat the mistakes my mum made on me on my own DCs by my self-loathing rubbing off on them.

Luckily my DD is very robust and is not like me at all. I thank god for my relationship with her everyday in comparison to my relationship with my own mother when I was a teenager. I just want her to see me as I was for once and wearing heels .

AngryLardArse - when I had my firstborn I put on 2 stone (and I was already a good 2 stone heavier than my university days) and plummeted into PND. It was childhood demons coming back to haunt me. The weight bothered me the most initially because I had been taught that my looks were the only thing that defined me by narcissistic and bullying parents. I thought I was worthless.

I have changed my life, it can be done. You sound lovely btw

oops sorry, just seen your later post.

You don't need friends to go for a walk or to Weightwatchers - but you might make some friends if you take the plunge and go for a walk in the park or to a slimming club.

Niceguy - thank you. Thats what I need.

And she will

I think sometimes we get to a point where it's make or break and I feel by the sound of your posts you're at it? And I'm quite convinced it is make for you. After all you have the power of mumsnet behind you how can you fail?

Please, stop thinking about the past. Yes, you could have avoided putting on this weight or lost it sooner if you'd made relatively small changes earlier. But you didn't. So just make those changes now. There is absolutely no point to thinking "Oh, if only I'd've..." unless you think decide "ok, right now I will...". No point at all! It just makes you feel bad! You can never get those years back. Never. You will never be young again. You can't change what you did do 5 years ago. You can't change what you didn't do 10 years ago. Your mistakes are all there, forever and ever and ever. They can never be erased. But that's life! It's really shitty if you think about it, so don't think about it! Every time you hear yourself think that shit, interrupt yourself. Every time you complain about your mistakes and start berating yourself, tell that self to stfu and then work out how to fix what you did wrong, or how to not repeat the mistake. That's all you can do! To aim for more is madness, unless you're on the brink of inventing time travel!

Stop with the quick fix diets and extreme changes to your daily life. They won't hold. Seriously, you got this fat in 15 years, give yourself 15 to get it all off. You'll manage it far sooner than that, but then you'll feel extra good about your progress when you realise that actually you're moving really quickly :) Low expectations are the key to happiness! There's a running thing going around that I am going to try when I get over this cough. It's supposed to get you from totally unfit to able to do a race in a month or something. I think it's called Couch to 5k. I am planning to do it twice as slowly as it recommends because I am sure I am far lazier than the makers of the programme could have possibly imagined. But really, low expectations are the way to go! And break stuff down into many little things you can tick off as you go. The boost you get from feeling successful will propel you on. The only weight loss tip I have is to measure your body circumferences, not your weight. And do a hilariously inaccurate body-fat-% test by wobbling your limbs when the muscle is tense or untensed. I am no expert but doing this gives me a good sense of whether I'm moving forwards or not. And if there's no change, count that as a success! 'cause shit could always be worse! If you have made no progress at least you haven't gone backwards! This is the height of my positive thinking. I know it sounds like laziness, but the positive thinking bit is hard enough work for me!

And I meant And she will as in your dd will see you in heels not in reply to anyone else.

I've heard that's good too :)