Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

511 replies

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:01

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 08:08

wow

I didn't dream his thread after all Grin

Limelight · 10/01/2011 08:40

I think you might be worrying about this too much if I'm honest. Your DS is an adult and has made a choice about how to run his life - that's one of the most important facets of being a student. He doesn't want to work at the moment but is also not asking for any more money from you / OH. He's entitled to make a decision about how to spend the money he has and how to supplement (or not) his income if he feels it's necessary. He's going to make choices you wouldn't make, and more importantly decisions he won't make in the future (tags rather than food for example), but without meaning to sound trite, that's all part of growing up.

The important thing is that whilst at Uni, he gets to do all of this with the enormous psychological safety net of you and OH at home. What I'm sure you all (Inc OH) know is that you're not going to let him end up on the streets.

He will be ok and he will manage. Importantly, he'll be running his own life and will ultimately be grateful that you and OH enabled him to do this.

I speak as someone who was massively silly atuniversity (fags rather than food was standard in my house!). My parents found the whole thng hugely frustrating but stood by the financial arrangements we agreed at the beginning and let me make a string of, let's call them 'experimental' decisions about how to manage my own life. Ultimately I had to deal with the consequences, pay off the debt, work out how to balance work and Uni etc. And it was all an important learning curve for me. Your DS sounds far more sensible and thoughtful than I ever was - he'll work this out himself and if he needs you, he'll ask.

llbeanj · 10/01/2011 08:55

perhaps you should have spent more time reading instead of writing - it's just a wind-up - see page 17

emy72 · 10/01/2011 09:05

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to say this.

Even if he struggles, he will benefit in so many ways in having part supported himself.

I came to England at 19 to do a degree, it was a foreign country and a foreign language and I did all sorts of jobs to support myself.

I still managed to get a good degree from a red brick uni.

emy72 · 10/01/2011 09:07

Oh I see it isn't real. Pah.

Limelight · 10/01/2011 09:33

Just read the whole thread. Right. Piss take then. That'll teach me to post when still half asleep...

Heroine · 10/01/2011 09:53

There is an excellent solution to both of these - if your son wants it - chemical engineering is indeed hard graft and I would strongly argue that you DO need a social life to get through it not to mention that University is a great place to be sociable, build up networks and learn how to live and be yourself.

I would guess that working in Pizza Hut is very grounding, and allows a very welcome relief from head work. BUT another option is the one he is working towards already i.e a paid placement over the summer, either with an academic group at the same university (note; with a Chemical Engineering degree this could be outside his faculty too - and academics love personal contact and students who they can trust to be enthusisatic) or at another university (tap known academics for collaborator contacts that they want to form closer links with - supplying a good enthusisatic student to a collaborator is a great way to build links) or a placement with a company.

If you want to help, suggest he contacts department secretaries for the nod if any employer placements arrive. Usually they are extremely helpful. Also the University Careers people may have contacts here too, and again academics who have industry funding are often very keen to get students they know into companies they work for.

I would be very proud of him - he is clearly thinking like a top-rated student as less than 1% of students think seriously about trying to get a placement, and that is one of the strongest things you can have on your CV in terms of getting later employment, but more significantly in terms of obtaining funding for a PhD course.

Funded placements (even unfunded ones) show a) an academic or industry has selected you and taken a financial risk with you (i.e it is equivalent to a 'Prize for outstanding work' when it comes to PhD applications) b) a clear interest in the subject and will c) give him a much better insight into uses of his degree, academic or industrial research and d) will vastly improve his maturity and grades (I worked at a University once, and ALL the students who had been on placement saw a grade increase, usually to a first, just because of the wider vision, discipline and maturity they gain.

Encourage the placement, don't worry about the Pizza Hut too much - he sounds like he is pushing in the right directions - not to mention that I bet Pizza Hut gives him more access to women than a Chem Eng degree does!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 10:54

heroine...read the whole thread Wink

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 10/01/2011 11:15

This thread all went a bit odd didn't it.

Oh well. Assuming all this was actually true then...

As the lad is doing a demanding degree and has already proven theat he can work, I'd cut him some slack for the next couple of years (assuming I could afford it).

I worked long, long hours as a student (soc sci) which was OK (although I was exhausted). Likewise DP. Neither of us would want ds to have to put in quite so many hours but we would expect him to do some paid work in term time. Unless he was doing something particulalry demanding.

I get that having worked through uni helps when applying for jobs after graduating, but I think that applies more to arts and soc sci degrees than to something vocational (vocational meaning leading to a particular career rather than not being academic, iyswim) such as Chemical Engineering.

Doramustdie · 10/01/2011 12:19

What the frick happened there?! Anyfucker told me to go back and read, I did now I'm super confused. Just so I don't worry all day, who was PR?

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:21

dora, I dunno

lovely though, wasn't it/she/he ? Hmm

Doramustdie · 10/01/2011 12:25

Random! What a lot of effort to go to? Ah well s'all over now!!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:28

ah, I see

most of the OP's posts were deleted, so hard to see now how abusive they were

take it from me, they deserved to go

hatwoman · 10/01/2011 13:10

pops in. thinks it was quite a rubbish, aggressive trolling only made entertaining by stange mentions of wellies and, more to the point, sulks that classydiva didn't respond to my comment about ridiculous sense of entitlement

Angelmist · 10/01/2011 13:43

You are 'Piggy in the Middle' and my heart goes out to you as Mum first and to your son and DH in equal measure.

Try to broker a deal between your DS and OH. Get them together if you can or invite a trusted person to help mediate a deal that helps your DS in a meaningful way and also allows your OH to feel good about his position as provider.

There are countless examples out there of children not appreciating what they are given. From your OH's perspective he knows where hard earned cash comes from while DS has had less experience here.

DS does need to concentrate on study so see if you can persuade OH that making a financial investment in DS now may ensure his future and indirectly your own. The financial assistance given by OH should be directly related to DS's academic results. If DS truly is spending the money wisely and studying he should be assisted. If on the other hand he stops doing so then there should be consequences - less help or no help.

Laquitar · 10/01/2011 14:07

Was she a troll?Confused
Why a troll would make up this? I thought they make up stories about benefits or sex.
I feel fool after posting a 'serious' reply and turns up to be troll. How can you tell?

readywithwellies · 10/01/2011 14:18

Best free night of entertainment I have had in a while. {grin}

readywithwellies · 10/01/2011 14:18

Lack of sleep makes me do my brackets wrong Grin

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 14:21

Laq, you usually get a clue when they turn nasty after getting replies they don't like

or when they are sure to mention their OH is a millionaire

I don't even know if it was a troll, tbh, seems a strange thing to troll about

I think it more likely just someone with a bit of time on their hands who didn't get the attention and adoration they thought they deserved

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 14:22

I enjoyed it too Grin

see ? even fuckwits like that have their entertainment value

Laquitar · 10/01/2011 14:26

I thought its a strange topic to troll. Not even funny. Not plasma tv either.
I havn't read it all when i posted and this will teach me Grin

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 14:33

the abuse that spewed from its keyboard was funny though

Laquitar · 10/01/2011 14:38

Only when i read back i noticed she said sheis new but she knows the regulars Grin
Her style reminds me 'washingwithcare' or something like this

Laquitar · 10/01/2011 14:39

No i meant Hmm not grin

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 14:45

oh yes, WWC (WashWithCare) wanted lots of fawning and attention brought to how fab and rich she was too Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread