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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having some trouble being a SAHM.

71 replies

stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:09

Totally lost it with 7 year-old DD, to the point of her cowering on floor, because she accused me of having more custard than her.
"Do you know what I have sacrificed for you? I have given up my whole life for you, my career, everything: and you begrudge me a spoonful of custard etc, etc...."

Help!

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 09/01/2011 18:11

given up your whole life ?
Why are you a SAHM? - it sounds like it's not a choice you've made.

MintAeroBar · 09/01/2011 18:13

The thing is, as much as we want them to, they dont 'get' that we sacrifice. Did you at 7? I know that I wish my DCs would appreciate what I do more, but realistically, they wont. It IS frustrating, I agree.

Having said that though, I am sure she will look back in 30 years time and get it - as I am sure some of us now appreciate what our mother did for us!

I do understand though - it can be hard! Have a glass of wine, cuddle your DD and tomorrow is another day!

Original poster
stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:13

Its not, I've been looking for work for a year. I do not consider that an excuse though. For the record DD is fine, its me that is traumatised by the whole business.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 09/01/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManateeEquineOhara · 09/01/2011 18:14

Why don't you go back to work then? If you are so stressed at home it would be beneficial to you and your DD to go back to work?

Original poster
stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:15

Sorry, replying to Paisley there.

The wine route is looking more and more attractive, probably a good idea not to go down there too often.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 09/01/2011 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManateeEquineOhara · 09/01/2011 18:15

Oh okay (x posts) looking for a job is de-moralising. Good luck.

WowOoo · 09/01/2011 18:16

I know what you mean.

Luckily, when your daughter has children of her own she will appreciate what you've given up for her and done for her.

Until then, it's being unappreciated and putting up with our choices.

Really hope my sons appreciate what we do for them. Not banking on it though Smile

I had a fit about strawberries the other day 'they are not even in season! Why am i spending all this money on you fussy boys. I want to eat them all!!!!'

(sorry for rant. I'll go away and chill!)

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 18:18

You don't know that your DD is fine. Saying it's you that's traumatised and she's fine sounds very selfish to me.

Children can hide their emotions a lot of the time, and especially if the person they love and trust as their main carer has blown up like this, she may well feel incredibly powerless.

Maybe an unpopular thing to say here, and I do realise it's hard, but saying you have 'sacrificed your whole life' for her is truly awful.

Please apologise to her straight away, with no excuses 'sorry but'. It must be an unreserved apology and 'I should not have spoken to you like that and I'm very sorry I frightened you. i was completely in the wrong'.

I think you need to think about some help managing your anger.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 09/01/2011 18:20

when mine say "You've got more!" I say "Yes, because I'm three times as big as you...when you can knock me out of the way then you get the bigger portion!"

Grin
FabbyChic · 09/01/2011 18:21

You should apologise, children did not asked to be brought into the world, you chose to bring her in. Do not allow your child to suffer because of choices you made.

Original poster
stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:23

Oh I have apologised, of course I have, I am not a monster. Have you never lost it with your children?

OP posts:
cupcakebakerer · 09/01/2011 18:24

I know it was probably said in the heat of the moment by how on earth is it anything at all to even do with your daughter? You decided to have her, and, forgive me if I'm missing something, you decided it would be best to stay at home to bring her up. I used to HATE it when my 'rents pulled the 'you should be be so grateful' shit. Children don't have a come-back to that do they? They can't go out to work and gain independence, pay their own way and look after themselves. Get real - I'm nearing 30 and still forget to appreciate my parents at times.

cupcakebakerer · 09/01/2011 18:24
  • but how on earth
FabbyChic · 09/01/2011 18:25

I've lost it with mine sure, but not blamed them for the choices I made. Im out of work now because to work would mean my kids could not go to University. I had to give up a fantastically paid job and move 100 miles away to ensure my eldest went to the right college and got the right A levels to go to a University.

I don't blame my kids Im trying to give them the education and future that was taken from me by my parents.

I don't lay the blame for me being a social recluse at their door though, the fault is all mine.

WowOoo · 09/01/2011 18:26

Oh, I have lost it many a time.

She won't be traumatised. Just tell her grown ups sometimes get stressed and say things they don't mean.

compo · 09/01/2011 18:27

Aw you had a shitty day
we've all been there
tomorrows another day

mungojerrie · 09/01/2011 18:28

I think that losing it to the point of your DD 'cowering on floor' is excessive. It sounds like she must have been very scared.

I agree with FabbyChic and Cupcake - don't blame her for your choices.

Original poster
stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:28

I'm signing off now, I don't know what I expected even mentioning this. The thing is you are all going to be awful aren't you? and I'm not going to be able to resist looking later and it's just going to make everything 1000x worse.

My DD is in the bath now playing monsters with her 5 yr old sister, I would die for her quite happily (which I suppose is the ultimate sacrifice) and I really have no doubt that she knows that.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 09/01/2011 18:37

I'm not going to be awful stretch.

I can totally understand your overreaction. Sometimes a parent can feel totally overwhelmed and demoralised and life just seems so fucking unfair! I used to think 'I do everything for you, I've given myself over to your needs, and you still whinge!" I think it but I don't say it, not to say I don't shout and get mad.

Cuddle her and explain. Adults get cross sometimes but it means nothing. Tell her how much you love her and that she is very important to you.

And BTW I've always worked and when they were younger a lot of my resentment focused on the fact that I was worn to a frazzle by trying to do it all. Being a parent is hard. Regardless.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 09/01/2011 18:37

Not everyone on here was awful stretch....compo was nice...I wasn't horrid...

AliGrylls · 09/01/2011 18:37

AliG says: It was custard!

LarryG says: It was a bad day. Tell her you love her and then move on.

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 18:40

stretchmummy - if you are still looking.... what about trying voluntary work? This really helped me to improve my mood and sense of purpose. It doesn't have to be something stressful, or something stereotypical - like working in a charity shop.

try this website : do_it.org.uk

FWIW - most of these posts are supportive.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 09/01/2011 18:43

Maybe you could just take any part time job to fill the time with rather than your preferred field? Or hve you already tried that route?