Having some trouble being a SAHM.

[stretchmummy]

Totally lost it with 7 year-old DD, to the point of her cowering on floor, because she accused me of having more custard than her.
"Do you know what I have sacrificed for you? I have given up my whole life for you, my career, everything: and you begrudge me a spoonful of custard etc, etc...."

Help!

Why do people think they have made sacrifices for their children? The children did not ask to be born. YOU chose to have children and if you have made sacrifices then they are for you and the father because of the choice you made.

I've shouted and scared dc but to have them cowering on the floor and blaming them for a choice you've made is disgusting.

OP - You have apologised to your DD and you feel terrible. You are human, so just chalk it up to a shitty day.

There are a lot of perfect people on this thread who apparently never lose their temoer. I always swore that I would never use the words 'shut up' to my DCs, and have always managed to maintain the 'please be quiet' line, no matter how bad its got! However last week, I just snapped, and about 4 years of unsaid shut-ups bellowed out of me. DCs were not at all bothered, but I was so angry with myself. Not everyone can be perfect all the time.

And for the record, I have one of the loveliest, kindest, generous, selfless mothers ever (IMHO!), and yet I remember several times in my childhood when she totally snapped. And I look back now and really feel for her!

I'm not going to be so harsh, I take care of my son 24/7, my life revolves 100% around his needs, I have no "me" time, ever. The nearest to "me" time I get is the time I spend at work or when he is engrossed with a toy/watching television or sleeping.

We have a great time most of the time, but it is at some points, when you're tired from dealing with everything -without a minute of rest- that bad behaviour can really get the best of you. I have found that the best way to avoid snapping at him is ensuring I have enough sleep at night and choosing the battles (even if sometimes that means leaving him to do whatever he wants while I have a few minutes to rest / calm down in my room, once I have calmer I tackle the situation).

Don't be so hard on yourself, we cannot get it right all the time, the important thing is that you are trying your best, that you have learned from the experience and will try to avoid today's episode being repeated in the future. And honestly, if you are missing your career, go back to it, not all people are cut to stay at home all day. I certainly didn't enjoy it.

Big hug.

Don't worry, there are other days when you would have just said "but I get more custard than you because I am bigger than you and I am the grown-up, my precious".

You are allowed to give vent occasionally. Does no-one any harm.

I am sure Stretchmummy knows that it is not ok and I am sure she scared herself as well.

When someone is feeling down and then asks for help then surely 'contructive' advice is not about making her feel even worse but about helping her see how she can make sure she does not get to that point again.

I think that there are, every day, children being shouted at and scared, and their parents not even stopping to think that this is wrong. Thinking it was justified by whatever the child did.

This mum went over the top today, for whatever reason, and said something nasty. But she came on here to vent and to (indirectly) ask for advice. She feels bad about it, and people being judgmental won't help her or her daughter.

P.S. Stretchy: don't hang all this on not having a job. I am quite certain that 100% of parents who do have a job have shouted things to their dc that they wish they could take back, too, at times.

If you want to restore any scrap of your daughter's opinion of you after what you said (If my mother did that it would have DESTROYED me) she NEEDS to hear you say that you were undoubtedly in the wrong to say that. That's the main issue at the moment, not your regrets. You're a grown up, and you control your life. You control hers too, at the moment, because you are her mother.

I have a job. A rather good job. I still shout at my children. Not very often of course, but still, I don't think the wohm/sahm thing comes into whether or not you shout at your children. It's an irrelevance

I'm interested in the resentment thing though. I mean why blame your children for your lack of a job? Surely you not having a job is nothing to do with your children? how can it be their fault? It's not logical.

inpraiseofbacchus...doesn't take much to DESTROY you does it?

Bacchus- totally agree she needs to apologise (she has, in fact).

I apologise for the 'go have a glass of wine' comment. It was indeed a figure of speech. I dont drink, but it was meant with the best of intentions to try and make the op feel better and we all make mistakes. But we can calm down after the moment, rectify it and look to the future in a better frame of mind.

Apologies again if some took it another way, it was meant nicely.

stretch - You obviously know that you over-reacted to your DD and you feel bad about it.

I think you're brave for admitting it on here - and acknowledging that it is a result of your SAHM frustrations rather than anything else.

I'm a single mum and I often find myself taking out my frustrations on DS (by over-reacting, getting snappy, shouting, etc) and so I can empathise with how you must be feeling.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Give your DD a big cuddle and accept that we are all human at the end of the day (although some people on here seem to think that all parents should be perfect and have super powers )

I am probably the world's most placid person with the longest fuse ever. I lost it completely with DD2 once, when she wouldn't tidy her room and put her clothes away (she used to put clean clothes back in the laundry basket because she couldn't be arsed to put them away).

I roared at her. I screamed, shouted, lost it completely. Kicked her wardrobe and smashed the drawer at the bottom. Was she scared and cowering? Yes. Was I? Yes. Did she change her ways? Yes. Have I done it since? No. We all have a breaking point. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I am not a SAHM. I probably would have snapped a lot earlier if I had been. You have my sympathy.

Look, we all have our moments where things we don't really mean to say come pouring out. I had one last week, when I discovered my dd had lost yet another school cardigan in the space of a month. I hollered at her that I was currently wearing trousers held together by 2 safety pins- why on earth would she think I could throw away money on school cardigans every week, when I couldn't even afford a decent pair of work trousers for myself. Am I proud of it?- no. Am I completely beating myself up about it- no. Because I am human, and sometimes I think it's ok for kids to get a little insight into the world of adults, how we DO get stressed by things.

My children know that I love them- they are very secure in that. If the OP's dd is similarly secure, an outburst like this won't destroy her at all. My mum ranted at me many a time, but I always knew I was loved and wanted, and none of those rants made a lasting impression.

I am in awe of all the mums on here who are rational at all times- you are better women than I am

Op- iam a Sahm and it is bloody hard.
I too hav lost it where i think oh shit I'm the worst mother in the world and wonder what damage I have caused my dc.

Tommorrow is another day, apologise to your dd and find ways you can have healthy outlets like gym, evenings with friends, a hobby.
Anything that makes you feel like just you. :)

I hope you come back to this thread and read all the good empathetic advice given, as I think thats all you were looking for a friendly shoulder to moan on, and nothing wrong with that.

wow - supportive post here in response to some of the ones that were shocked and horrified. I really had a hard time as a SAHM and it took me a year to find a job and get back to work so I know what you are going through. Give her a hug, have a cuddle, and let her know your thoughts. Maybe that's the best thing we can do for our kids - honesty.

As for the nasty comments about being ready for the working world - hah! It's so much easier emotionally than being at home full time. Seriously easier. I am finding it much easier to be a good parent while I'm home now that I work three days a week.

What a lot of outstanding parents we have on here!!OP knew she was in the wrong,thats why she posted fgs.
As a non perfect Mum of 5 eldest 25 youngest arriving in 2 wks i have lost it a few times.I have also sat up at night with sobbing ds when was dumped or angry ds when he was assaulted for no reason in a club and sad ds when his best friend died. It called emotion and is the harsh reality of life and a parent has to be able to be robust to guide them thru it all.
My boys will now sit over dinner teasing me about times id got angry with them and compare stories of extreme punishments,they are not scarred or destroyed by a little human error.
The fact that daughter "cowered" shows this is not a common occurrence.

It's happened, you can't take it back. Hug her and tell her how much you love her. Explain adults get upset too. Have a treat together (not custard .) Hug her and tell her you love her again. And then get back to normal.

When my mum ever lost it with me, that's all I wanted afterwards. Love and normal.