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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so sad when I read the nice things older siblings do for their younger ones?

70 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 10:52

And realise just how hurtful and vindictive DS1 is to DS2?

An example is before Christmas telling him that Santa wasn't real and me left with DS2 sobbing because he thought he would get nothing for christmas, until my sister and mum convinced him otherwise and that DS1 was just being mean.

It breaks my heart to be honest.

OP posts:

stoppinchingthedummy · 08/01/2011 10:56

Whats the age gap? That plays a part in it - i had 2 sisters - one 2.5 years younger and one 5 years younger and me and the next younger one were awful with each other constantly arguing and bickering - its just siblings - I have a ds and dd now ,ds is 4 and dd is 2 and ds is always pestering her but she is learning to shout back - in time they will be friends - sorry its not easy is it.

ValiumTinselton · 08/01/2011 10:59

TheLadyEvenstar, mine are the same. They are awful to each other. Well, dc1 is awful to dc2 and now she's trained him up, he behaves in the same awful way towards her.

I read about other little girls who loved the new baby brother. I had to protect the baby from her, from day 2.

The age gap between mine is 3 years, which I read somewhere was a particularly bad gap. Both 2 and 4 years works better.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:00

Stoppin, there are 9 years between them.
DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 3.
DS1 also possibly has aspergers and does have ODD.

It just upsets me how he can and is so hurtful to DS2.

OP posts:

Alambil · 08/01/2011 11:03

Have you explained to DS2 that DS1 has these problems?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:04

Lewis, I have tried he is only just 3 years old though.

OP posts:

bran · 08/01/2011 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyCandles · 08/01/2011 11:05

What is ODD?

CardyMow · 08/01/2011 11:08

TLE - I sympathise greatly. DD has asd, she is almost 13yo. She is both violent and verbally hurtful towards DS1 (8yo), an now is getting to the point where she is beginning to do the same with DS2 (7yo) as well. She will yell and scream at them for the littlest of things (yesterday she was trying to hit DS2 because he wouldn't couldn't stop coughing, and it was 'annoying' her). It upsets me when she goes to bed and turns round and says 'love you' to me, and then 'hate you' to DS1.

Thankfully DS1 has a fair bit of understanding for the fact that DD has asd and fins certain things difficult to manage, but it still breaks my heart sometimes.

TrillianAstra · 08/01/2011 11:09

Well, Santa isn't real, and I'm not sure that's an example of vindictive behaviour, to tell someone the truth (especially with the suspected Aspergers).

Some siblings never get on, or don't get on until they are adults. At 12 and 3 it may be that the best you can hope for is for them to be respectful of each other's space, and to try to make sure that you give them similar amounts of 1 on 1 time, and take turns doing activities/outings that each of them would like.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:10

Bran, I don't favour either tbh.
They are so very different.
DS1 is the one who plays with DS2's toys without asking not the other way round. And then if DS2 does touh something of his he goes into a rage.

I spend as much time as possible with both of them, if i am honest I spend a lot less 1-2-1 time with DS2 than I ever did with DS1.

DS2 just ends up in tears with the things DS1 says and does,
For example I was decorating the new place yesterday and so I gave DS2 a paint brush and DS1 one. DS1 went into one because DS2's brush was smaller and snatched it off him.

seems so silly...maybe I am just tired and stressed with being between 2 homes atm.

OP posts:

Violethill · 08/01/2011 11:12

Agree with TrillianAstra.

A big age gap will often mean siblings have little in common until they are adult. Even a 5/6 year gap can be enormous when children are fairly young - they will have entirely different life experiences, interests, knowledge and skills. I wouldn't aim for great friendship and understanding - just tolerance of each other.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:14

Violet, I am not aiming for anything tbh.
I pretty much let them get on with it, but do have to steo in a lot of the time tbh.

I would say it is vindictive to tell a 3yr old santa isn't reaal.

OP posts:

Violethill · 08/01/2011 11:15

Also, any child with Aspergers and ODD is going to find sibling relationships very difficult anyway. What you describe sounds fairly typical for those difficulties, and I guess may be exacerbated by the fact your ds1 had 9 years alone before ds2 came along. He'll have a lot of memories of life pre-ds2.

thebountymuncher · 08/01/2011 11:16

I have an 8 yr gap between mine, and DD (11) isn't that great with DS (3)

He's quite desperate for her attention, but everytime he wanders up to her squat room to see her, she bellows "Get Out My Rooooooom!"
Trouble is then he gets all silly and acts a fool, and she feels justified in not letting him in.

It's hard work, but pretty normal I think ( I know that doesn't help, or make it less heartbreaking)

SkyBluePearl · 08/01/2011 11:16

Heres a great website - if you think your DS1 does have ASD then maybe you could get him assessed? Proffessionals might be able to make recommendations about how to support him? I can see how ASD would really effect the relationship between siblings though. Would mean he struggles to emathise and connect with others.

www.autism.org.uk/

PrettyCandles · 08/01/2011 11:17

Oh durrr sorry, it's Oppositional Defiant Disorder, isn't it?

Have you read The Explosive Child? I'm reading it right now. I have one dc whose explosive and defiant behaviour is caused, we think and hope, by her medication, and another who we are beginning to think may have Aspergers. The third is just hard work, but we begin to see that he is, in fact, the most 'normal' of the lot!

It grieves me to see that dc3 has a lot more compassion, and is far more emotionally intelligent than either of his elder siblings. But OTOH maybe that makes him better able to cope with them. He certainly doesn't get as upset by them as I would expect, and shrugs things off surprisingly well.

The other two don't tend to see that they have been nasty, and if they do they generally consider that it was justified.

Violethill · 08/01/2011 11:18

Sorry x posts there.

It sounds extremely challenging for you. No great advice really, other than pick your battles. Fighting over the other siblings possessions is unacceptable, but I don't agree that telling a sibling santa isn't real is vindictive. A lot of siblings do this to each other anyway - once the eldest realises its not true, they find it very hard to go along with the secret, and for a child with Aspergers, it would be doubly hard to understand.

stoppinchingthedummy · 08/01/2011 11:19

Ah i dont know what to say - i guess if your ds1 has aspergers and ODD then he cant "help" the way he is towards ds2 - Do you have groundrules for behaviour? So if ds2 plays with ds1's toys and ds1 reacts badly he gets time out? To be perfectly honest i have very little knowledge re aspergers so i am not sure how to deal with it in great detail- could you get some professional advice?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:19

Violet, which is why I try to be very understanding. But at the same time it does hurt me.

OP posts:

bran · 08/01/2011 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Violethill · 08/01/2011 11:23

I'm not surprised it upsets you. It does hurt us as parents when we see our children arguing or just not getting along. I guess maybe everyone has some dream notion that our children will play happily together as youngsters, and then grow into bonded adults who will regularly call each other up, or pop along to the pub for a pint together.

But in all honesty, life isn't like that. Children are individuals, and may well grow up just not having much in common or choosing to spend much time together. I know quite a few adults who have siblings they rarely see, and wouldn't choose to spend time with.

At this stage its about making ground rules for the things which matter, and letting the minor things go. Don't try to force them together, just ensure the rules are there about respecting space, possessions etc

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:23

ooppss x-posted with loads there.

I have very little experience with aspergers- I just have 12 yrs experiene with DS1.

He is awaiting assessment now.

Putting him in time out has no effect tbh. Taking things away make no difference.

OH Ignore me I am feeling sorry for myself today.

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 08/01/2011 11:25

I'm hearing you Loudlass christmas dinner was fun in our house, after dd attempted to rip her brothers throat out over the noise he made eating we ended up sitting in seperate rooms to her.

Oh the joys of asd

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:26

Cheeeeeseeeeeeeeee

OP posts:

huddspur · 08/01/2011 11:27

YANBU Me and my sisters used to do horrific things to each other when growing up but now we're best friends and would do anything for each other. Its normal behaviour for siblings to argue and fight

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