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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so sad when I read the nice things older siblings do for their younger ones?

70 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 10:52

And realise just how hurtful and vindictive DS1 is to DS2?

An example is before Christmas telling him that Santa wasn't real and me left with DS2 sobbing because he thought he would get nothing for christmas, until my sister and mum convinced him otherwise and that DS1 was just being mean.

It breaks my heart to be honest.

OP posts:
MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:30

TLE...This is an age old story with DS1 isn't it? And you're still waiting for an assessment whilst he's so horrid to DS2?

What's going on here?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 08/01/2011 11:31

llllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:32

Do you have strict routines, rules, consequences and punishments? Is your life and home organised and tidy? This is the key to the minimal animosity between siblings, according to research carried out by Joseph Rowntree.,

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:32

Margaret what do you mean "Whats going on here"

I have to wait for the appt before I can take him.

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 08/01/2011 11:33

I really understand how you feel. Of course it hurts you when they can't be nice or even civil to each other. My two are 10 yo and 8 yo and we have just come back from a holiday where they may as well have been an only child. Ds (8 yo) does try to play with dd (10 yo) but usually gets the cold shoulder. It upset me tbh as she was looking lonely sitting round the pool, as the other children were either teens or under 8 yo, but he just wasn't what she wanted to play with. It's her age as well I suppose.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:33

I mean why is taking so long? I'm sure I've read threads about this since joining MN...

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 08/01/2011 11:33

Margaret, I assume you have no experience of sn ??

People can end up waiting months if not years for an asessment, i've just got an appt for dd to see an ot because of her sensory issues, it's in 9 months time !

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:34

yes i have routine, and rules actions and reactions.

Is my life organised well yes normally but not atm as I am between 2 places and moving.

OP posts:
MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:34

But this a 12 year old being cruel to a three year old, not quite the same dynamic as an 8 and 10 year old. My 8 year old is very sweet to his 2 year old brother but not his 7 year old brother.

Ray81 · 08/01/2011 11:35

There is 8 yrs between DD1 and DD2, DD2 is only 8 months old at the mo and DD1 is great with her but i am dreading the time when DD2 is told to go away as she gets older.

I am hoping that it doesnt come to that and DD1 is still good with her when she gets older. [deluded emotion]

YANBU to feel sad OP it must be horrible for you, will be watching with interest for advise so i can put it into practice if this should happen with my DDs

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:36

No, I have no experience, that's why I posed the question; What's going on here?

I thought ds1 had speech delay and so I pestered the medics/hvs until I got a result. Does ASD mean that you are cruel to a toddler?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 08/01/2011 11:37

Margaret, if you have read previous threads you will see I have done a complete turn around with my life and the way I am with DS1. Even attending a 3 month course for strengthening families.

I am putting many things right that I did wrong.

However, for years dr's would not listen when I told them something was not right with DS1, they hushed me and moved me on. UNTIL he got mixed up in a bad crowd at school and police were involved NOW the dr's are listening and I am waiting on an appt.

OP posts:
becaroo · 08/01/2011 11:40

hmm. not sure.

My 2 ds's are 5 years apart in age and adore each other.

It wont last.

When ds1 (7) becomes a teenager I am sure all hell will break loose.

becaroo · 08/01/2011 11:40

and YANBU to be sad about it.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 08/01/2011 11:47

No Margerat but it can mean they are less aware/tolerant of a toddlers needs, my son has severe autism, if he hears a baby cry he dosen't think 'poor baby' he thinks that noise is hurting my ears, he would do anything to stop it, if left with a child/baby who upset he WOULD hurt it if he couldn't make an escape. We can't have our little nieces to visit because the squeal and cry, it's a harsh reality to live with.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 11:57

TLE..Do you have an ally? Someone that can put forward your needs?

It seems that you need to be a squeaky wheel! Certainly worked for me in the past!

Do you belong to a network of parents with similar issues as you? Perhaps it would help you to not see everything DS1 does in a negative but understanding light...not saying that you don't but I can imagine that it would be very hard to see the cause and the good when much of the behaviour is horrid to your other child.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/01/2011 00:37

I used to just see the negative, but now see many positives.

I was just venting,

OP posts:
midori1999 · 09/01/2011 00:45

I think most siblings can be like this at times and sometimes older DC like to tell everyone Santa doesn't exist, not out of nastiness but in a 'I'm grown up and know something you don't know' sort of way.

Even my DS1 who is wonderful and will do things like spend his own money on his brothers sometimes upsets DS2 to the point he gets upset and cries and even then doesn't always stop. That's just siblings.

I don't remember anything about my sister growing up, but my Mum tells me I hated her and would always try and get her into trouble. No we are adults we have a wonderful relationship and are really good friends as well as siblings.

Hopefully things will pan out and your DS will get the assessment he needs. It's not suprising things are getting to you.

charliesmommy · 09/01/2011 00:54

I have just finished reading the Jodi Piccoult book "House Rules" which is about 2 siblings, the elder of which has autism. Her books are always very well researched fiction, and it was extremely interesting and as I have no experience of autism, it did make me understand it a lot more.

I would certainly recommend it as a worthwhile book to read.

beingsetup · 09/01/2011 01:31

I have four boys who can be really really naughty at times, but they will always hold each others hands when they go to school and look after and help each other and its heartwarming. Doesn't mean they don't fight each other as well though.....

coldtits · 09/01/2011 01:39

Ds1 has autism, adhd and a sensory processing disorder meaning he has sensitive ears.

Spite is not tolerated in this house.

if ds1 cannot bear the normla amount of noise ds2 is making, ds1 goes to his room. His difficulties curtail MY life, I do not allow them to affect his brother any more than I can help it.

For the behavior your ds1 displayed, at his age and level of funtioning, I would remove him to his bedroom and he would stay there until he apologised sincerely to his brother - be that minutes or weeks.

And the same would occur for every display of spite from now on.

CardyMow · 09/01/2011 01:47

Margaret - even if you can get an assessment and full diagnosis - like I have for DD - it doesn't mean that any help is actually forthcoming. My DD was dxd when she was 4yo. I was handed a bunch of leaflets and sent on my way. 8 years later that is where I still am. Hmm. I do atten a local support group that is run by a team of parents of children with asd, but it got to the point in our area that the only way to get any support was for the parents to set up their own support group!

Living with a child with asd is more about coping with their behaviour rather than managing it, it is a very different situation with sibling relationships when one of the siblings has asd. Their tolerance level is so much less than other dc of 'noises' and smells, and tastes, and of being able to 'let go of' general irritations that would make most people say FGS and not much more, will provoke a very violent response in some dc with asd.

I am 39 weeks pg right now, but I know that there is no way that I will be able to leave DD and this baby alone together in a room unsupervised. It's difficult, but it's the way it is.

CardyMow · 09/01/2011 01:50

Coldtits - I agree with you WRT the sending DD to her room when she is violent towards her brothers, but it has got to the stage now where she refuses to go, and is physically stronger than me so I cannot forcibly remove her from the room. Do you have any ideas on how to deal with a child with asd that is as tall as you, and physically stronger, if they refuse to go, how do you get them there??

coldtits · 09/01/2011 09:36

Personally I would hold a hammer over the screen of the computer but it depends on your daughter's motivators

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/01/2011 10:05

Sorry, I am still learning how to deal/cope with the behaviours in a new way. So I do have wobbles at times.

OP posts: