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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to have a baby as a single woman?

93 replies

MyBrilliantCareer · 07/01/2011 20:17

I'm single. I'm approaching 40. I can't adopt unless I'm in a relationship.

How tough is it?

OP posts:
Remotew · 07/01/2011 22:34

Sounds like you are ready for it. Wish you all the luck, they take a lot of energy, time, commitment for a long time. Mine is 16 and I still put her first.

Relationships have to be put on hold, once the've got over the jumping on new partners stage and have morphed into sultry teens who love to maintain the stautus quo, but that's maybe just my bad luck. If you are financially secure, as I have been, you will be happy to put your DC ahead of anyone.

MyBrilliantCareer · 07/01/2011 22:38

Oh Ninah! Thanks!

I don't think I'll be a perfect Mum, and even the use of that word sounds crazy, but it's definitely given me a something to think about. The fact that so many people have been single mums makes me think it's possibly feasible.

No one in my family is a single mum so it's been a real eye-opener to hear your views.

OP posts:
ninah · 07/01/2011 22:44

I don't know if I'd have been brave enough to start off as a single mum. I really wanted children and hoped for the best with an unsuitable bloke so in the end I was a single mum from when ds was and dd 6 months. I didn't have any family support, or the career you have behind you, but honestly it has been fab .. difficult at times of course but in a life enhancing way. I work in a school and am hoping to retrain as a teacher. Most things worthwhile involve hard work as you know. Def go for it, you only get one life! yes, it is exciting. Good luck!

ninah · 07/01/2011 22:45

btw there is no such thing a perfect mum

MyBrilliantCareer · 07/01/2011 22:49

Wow Ninah you've done it the hard way - and you're still smiling Smile

You're right, you do only get one life.

OP posts:
Imisssleeping · 07/01/2011 22:49

Ooh I'm getting excited for you!

I'm a single mum over 40 ! Not by choice but he left when I was pregnant.
It is the best thing ever to have happened to me.
He was prem and critically ill, so it was hard to begin with.
No parents that could help but I have now built up a good support network.
You are basically on your own though.

No-one judges you (or if they do I don't notice) I only have one other single mum friend but have lots of mum friends and have a great time.

I do cherish every minute with my Ds (he's 2) it has completely changed my life but I am incredibly happy with him.
In fact I like it so much I am about start fostering.
Good luck

MyBrilliantCareer · 07/01/2011 22:49

Even though you miss sleeping?!! hehe

OP posts:
Imisssleeping · 07/01/2011 22:53

Ha ha I know, I've said no babies though !
Need to change my name now though as he does sleep through.
But I still miss lie-ins!

thisismyboomstick · 07/01/2011 22:59

If you get pregnant by a random fellow, you run the risk of him wanting to have a part in his childs life. How would you cope with having to organise visits every other weekend with someone who might be a decent chap, but who might also be a complet cock.

MyBrilliantCareer · 07/01/2011 23:26

I don't think I'd go the random fellow path, although that seems ridiculously easy to find. You're right, don't want someone I don't respect stuck in my life if I can help it.

I think it's going to be my gay friend or else adoption.

OP posts:
oldraver · 07/01/2011 23:43

whispers Not as hard as you would think. DS first year was tiring as he was ill and didnt sleep but there was only us two and only having to think about us helped no end I would say its been a fantastic 5 years

CubaCat · 07/01/2011 23:49

MBC I've been on my own since I was 17 weeks pg and I told DS's dad to leave after he admitted he was seeing a minging middle aged troll another woman behind my back.

I have to say that over the last 4.5 years since DS was born, there have been really hard moments, and times when I struggled to juggle work, home and single parenthood, but I'm sure parents in couples have similar issues (plus of course, they also have to deal with and consider a partner, which IMO is added stress). However, it's the best thing I ever did. My DS has just started school and I feel proud that I got him to this stage, as a bright, polite, well behaved boy, on my own. It's an achievement. I took him abroad on my own last summer - another achievement. From my POV the worst thing is the lonliness and solitude, especially in the evenings. Once DS is in bed at 7.30pm, that's it - when you're on your own you can't go out, even if it's just to pop out for a pint of milk or bar of choc - in the evening it's either the TV, a DVD, a book or MN! And it's harder to meet someone - I'd like another child and time is running out (I'm 38) but have yet to meet the 'right' person and unfortunately I don't have a gbf to give me sperm!

If I were you I'd go for it. You've clearly considered the issues involved, although of course the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Like someone else mentioned, your baby might have colic or some other issue which will make it harder, but on the other hand, it might not. One thing to remember is that although you've obviously thought about the practical implications, until you have a baby you can never know just how much your feelings will change. Although you have a great career now, you may well decide to go part time for instance, so you can spend more time with your child, which will then impact on your career outlook and your finances.

There are pros and cons to everything and sometimes I think we can overthink things, especially life-changing things like this, and the best thing to do is just do it.

nurseblade · 08/01/2011 15:44

If it doesn't work with your gay friend there is a website called coparentmatch.com. There are a lot of men out there - often gay - who want kids and would make great fathers.

MyBrilliantCareer · 08/01/2011 16:08

Wow thanks everyone. Maybe I'm not crazy after all. I've been thinking about the different things I do throughout the day and how I'd fit a child into it. Things would have to change, but I'm happy for that to happen.

Does anyone know how long the adoption process would take and if I need to have a mortgage first? I'll be ready for a (shared) mortgage in a year or two. Does this mean that I should start the process now/soon, or wait until I have the mortgage as it will look like I'm more financially secure?

How will I know for sure if I'm ready?

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 08/01/2011 16:55

yanbu

kattyo · 13/01/2011 21:52

Hi my brilliant career,

just to say, i am a single mother by choice of twins, and its fantastic. an outpouring of love. sure it's hard at times, but the hard bits are blurred by the sheer joy and love and wonder of it all.

look at the donor conception network - they have a forum for single women. also the single women by choice network in the us and mikki morrisettes choosing single motherhood website in the us (about known/anonymous donors and adoption). i understand that fertility friends has a v. active forum for single women conceiving with donor gametes.

good luck!

PS using a known donor - lots of advantages - buy the father will legally be a parent with parental responsiblity and could challenge you for custody etc if it doesn't work out. on the other hand, i know people for whom it has worked out v. well...

barefootboho · 19/02/2011 12:11

MyBrilliantCareer - I joined mumsnet this morning and am already releived to see there are other people in the same position. I've just turned 39, am single and really want to be a Mum and have decided I can do it without a partner. I'm embarking on donor insemmenation at The London Women's Clinic but have had exactly the same fears as you...

Can I afford it?
Will I be able to cope on my own?
How on earth will I manage with going back to work so quickly for financial reasons?

Absolutely everyone I have spoken to about it who already have kids all say that 'you just manage'. It's never a good time and you do everything you can to get it through it for your child.

I've been furiously internet dating thinking that I needed to find a partner to do this but most men of my age already have young kids and don't want to date a woman who doesn't have any and wants one. So I figure I'll have more chance of a relationship in the future if I do have a child so there really is nothing stopping me from making this wonderful thing happen.

The most important thing is to have a good support network and you can do anything!

OliveMalay · 19/02/2011 12:44

YANBU. Good luck!

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