to want to have a baby as a single woman?

[MyBrilliantCareer]

I'm single. I'm approaching 40. I can't adopt unless I'm in a relationship.

How tough is it?

Apology accepted SmethwickBelle :)

I know two friends-of-friends (I've met both) who've done something similar. I personally think that the one who went for co-parenting with a gay friend has a better life - from the outside, it's just plain easier sharing the work, the responsibility, the decisions. Asking friends to help out is great but IME when I do it I tend to feel that I am asking a favour, and end up totting up how much I have asked of them, and are they resenting me etc.

The occasional weekend is one thing - it's the looooong days, especially when they are tiny, without a break - the 'OK i've been up 3 hours and feel like death, it's 8.30am, I've still got 11 hours until bedtime, the kid is full of beans, what do we do now?' Having said that, I know a lot of parents with partners who get plenty of days like that... but at least they know the weekend is coming and they WILL get a lie-in (until 7) at some point.

Childcare: I paid £3.50 p/h for a nanny-share with one other child - very wonderful and very unusual. Childminders - similar hourly rate plus making own food for the child - depends on the area, but unlikely to be only 2 kids. I haven't used nurseries so can't help you there.

You CAN adopt. As an adoptive mother I'm a great fan of adoption, but I have to agree with Kristingle: adoption is a hard road. If you can find a good way of getting pg (i.e. with your friend) that will be easier, safer and less stressful.

i did it, not exactly planned to do it alone but got preggers by a totally unsuitable guy at 32. Had my DD and we have been more or less alone since day 1.

Had a mortgage, job etc in the olden days before decent maternity leave and went back to work when she was 3 months, either that or lost the roof over our heads.

Had a good support system with my family and his stepped in to help, gp's etc although he didn't much.

Don't regret it for one moment. Now my only problem is getting my head around A levels maths to try and help her.

All depends on the baby! If they dont have colic, reflux, allergies, eczema etc, your flying. If it does, I wouldnt want to be you. (sorry) I barely held on to my sanity after my 2nd DD and that was with the full support of my DH. Are you willing to take the chance??? lol

there are support networks for women with kids who are single by choice - well single by choice but had a child deliberately whilst single but as far as I know they are based in the London area. If you are accessible to London I can put you in touch with someone who can let you know who to contact.

Dont; think that teaching is any preparation for having children and particularly not for adopting an older child.

I adore my DS and he was little when placed with me and he has no (obvious) problems as yet but still it was the harder option compared with friends who used donor sperm or eggs or donor embryos.

Going it alone from day one without the emotional baggage of a relationship break up is way easier than having the misery of a divorce in the mix but still significantly tougher than with a half decent partner.

But none of it as tough as my firend whose (D?)H left her whilst pregnant with triplets (yup triplets) who has rarely been sighted since... and tehy're 13 now.

There is a great book by Mikki Morrisette called 'choosing single motherhood'. She is American but much of it is relevant. She has a website as well. I think it's choicemom.org

Kewcumber - I was amazed to read that fathers of multiple pregnancies are more likely to bugger off than singleton pregnancies. Fuckers.

All children are challenging, everyone knows this, the perfect sleeping through baby might turn into a tearaway toddler, nightmare/ dream teen. It's the luck of the draw. I personally don't feel that a baby should only be wanted and loved on the condition of a relationship.

Although I do realise that a product of a two parent family is probably ideal a baby who is unconditionally wanted by a single mum is in some ways unique and the bond can be special and rewarding.

earwicga - to add insult to injury it was afetr many months of IVF treatment.

There is also a book (american) called "Single mother by CHoice" which is helpful in thinking through the issues and whether its really something you want to so.

Ultimately having a child is a selfish decision so I think you just need to be sure that you can suspend your persnal life for a good few years without getting too grupy about it because in my experience your personal life is the thing that gives when you are single. Dificult to assess the upside as its impossible to explain in advance but if you want it enough (ie desparately!) then it will probably be OK.

Hi, I'm a single mother by choice - decided to go it alone at 40, conceived when 41, gave birth to DS at 42. As someone mentioned up thread the beginning is very hard - for me it was the first 4 months rather than 6 (but then I only have one) - and also when I first went back to work when DS was 8 months. But overall, it's been brilliant, all my friends have been very supportive, and DS is the most amazing thing that's ever happened (both friends and my parents commented that I'm happier than they've seen me in years). Of course bits of it are very hard: it's especially difficult when I'm ill, I find.

Childcare is expensive but at the moment (not banking on this in the long run, as Cameron and his merry men may have plans on this front) I get quite a lot of help through working tax credits. I pay about 650 a month for full time at nursery (I work 4 days, but find that having an extra day allows me to change my hours if necessary - nurseries won't accommodate you paying for 4 but changing the days from one week to the next). But that's in the sticks - it would be more in London.

Big plus points for me include never having arguments about parenting choices, being able to be spontaneous - if we have nothing on and I feel like taking us to the beach/zoo at the drop of a hat, I can.

Having your friend involved as a father would be great, though. I think DS is beginning to miss having a father (we're getting lots of role-playing games about mummy,daddy, big brother and little brother at the moment and he's very cuddly with my male friends). Hopefully though we can manage to find a way through this stage. I also occasionally miss male input (see my thread on Dadsnet - DS has a medical condition such that a male perspective would be really useful).

Anyway, best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Kew, I agree that going it alone without the emotional baggage of the father is preferable. I never had much support but I did suffer with the ideal that he might want to be her father/my partner for a good few of her earlier years, wish I had just directed my energies to her instead, looking back.

With adoption or sperm donor that wouldn't have been a problem.

Thanks for the book references. I will look them up.

It's such a big decision. The one or two times I hoped thought I might have been pregnant I felt incredibly elated and thrilled. If I was forced into the situation and the decision in a sense taken out of my hands I think it would be a little easier at this stage.

But I never thought I'd be a mum. But the idea makes my heart race (in a good way ).

YANBU. Just do it!

I was forced into it by an accident and I too was elated. Got at 16 yr old DD, from my experience one parent can do just a good a job as two and in some ways it's easier but obviously harder in others.

I'm feeling it more now because of the current government. We had Tory when she was born and their CSA policy scared her dad so much, then Labour government really helped me out, meant I could work slightly less and pick her up from school once a week. Depends on your financial situation but not a good time to be a lower income single mum under the Tories, but don't let that stop you and good luck

I'm aiming for senior management in a secondary school within 2 years so financially I'm not too badly off.

It's probably one of those things that's easier once you've done it - wonder what took you so long.

Yikes.

MBC, sounds fine, go for it, you won't look back.

I have a few single friends that never had children because they were waiting for the right guy, glad I didn't, I'm still looking for him.

I think the most important thing to think about is be prepared to put yourself on hold as it were for your child and do all you can to be there for your child

It will be the most tiring, relentless and worrying thing you will ever do and your life before will seem like a walk in the park! but it is also the most amazing thing you will ever do!

Agree with you, but your walk in the park beforehand was a solitary, even empty experience. When with a child it has so much more purpose, even when you have to make sure someone else doesn't fall face first into the mud!!!!

Abouteve that is exactly it!! Love the idea, love it.

I've got too much bloody energy and have to soak it up with doing a masters and running a marathon.

I don't really want to do these things, but what else is there to do?

What I mean is this: I think I want a kid.

er, congratulations!