to want to have a baby as a single woman?

[MyBrilliantCareer]

I'm single. I'm approaching 40. I can't adopt unless I'm in a relationship.

How tough is it?

All 3 of your fears are valid and real. I still wouldn't be without my children though, and have been a single parent since pregnancy. The first 6 months were hell, may have been easier if I hadn't had premature twins, but that passes.

In answer to your OP, YANBU and it is tough (as it is for all parents) and also wonderful.

What sort of support network do you have? It sounds like if you and your gay friend had a baby together he would be an active and interested father, so that is a start.
Do you have close (can phone and ask them to help you) friends and family who would support you?

If something happened to you(horrid but you do need to think about it) would there be someone there to look after baby full time?
Will you manage financially?

I know of someone who has no family or support network who has gone for a sperm donor and ivf to have a baby. I understand the desire completely but fear she doesn't realise how tough it is and has not thought about what will happen to the child if she is not around. She has health issues so this is a reasonable worry that she hasn't factored in.

With an interested father that means you do have the start of a support network and the very fact you have asked the question "how hard is it?" shows you are not being naive about it.

I agree that needing a good support network would be important. If you need help, if you are sick etc... Having someone there to help really counts.
I don't think being a single mum is easy (going on the experiences of two friends) because children are not easy. But you sound like a strong and driven person, so why not.

earwicga you had premmy twins - single?

MyBrillcareer -

There may well be isolating moments - parenting can be quite isolating - but by thinking ahead and lining up support systems from friends, relatives etc now, you can ease that to some extent. My best friend is expecting a baby as the resul of a one noight stand (not intentional, but she is in her 30s, wants kids and wasnt going to terminate...). She has joined a single mothers antenatal group and has established some good support network so far.

Money is always an issue. Will you be able to afford childcare if you go back to work when the baby is born? How will that work? That's something you'll need to give careful consideration to.

I think it is more difficult to find decent relationships once you have children (from what I have witnessed with single friends), but mainly because you become fussier.

Thinking things through is good. You need to work through some of your concerns and fears now, of course you do. You're being sensible.

Good luck

People don't have babies because they LOVE the idea of labour, sleepless nights, the school run, trying to hold down a job and paying the bills (all valid concerns and difficult). Often they start at the point you do - you want a baby. Yup it is selfish but then we all are then. It doesn't stop them from trying and generally they will muddle through - so why should it stop you trying to find a way - practically speaking?

If the question is doing it as a single woman, intentionally outside the traditional boundaries of having a man in the equation at all on a daily basis well that is the more weighty question and I can't answer that one. You probably need to seek out women who've done this and ask them - fertilty friends uk website has a busy single ladies board, they may have some very good and specific advice.

I was married but he was a selfish arse and did nothing. He was at work or out on the piss. I have two dc and it was and is hard work but the best thing ever.

If I was you I would do it in second. Don't miss out on the most amazing thing ever.

OP its not true you need to be in a relationship to adopt if you're over 40. I know of a 43 year old lady who adopted an older child. You may not be offered a baby, but don't rule adoption out.

If you feel however that adoption isn't for you YANBU to have a baby as a single woman. I say this as someone who has been a single mum from day 1 of my daughter's life. It is tough, and you do need a good support network, but I'm sure single mums can do just as good a job a 2 parent families.

Good luck with whatever you decide! :)

OP its not true you need to be in a relationship to adopt if you're over 40. I know of a 43 year old lady who adopted an older child. You may not be offered a baby, but don't rule adoption out.

If you feel however that adoption isn't for you YANBU to have a baby as a single woman. I say this as someone who has been a single mum from day 1 of my daughter's life. It is tough, and you do need a good support network, but I'm sure single mums can do just as good a job a 2 parent families.

Good luck with whatever you decide! :)

Of course yanbu! Having a child is amazing and it would be great if your child could have a good male role model on his/her life too!

Get cracking! X

Oh cheers everyone! I honestly thought people would be saying "Oh it's too hard, don't even think about it".

How much is childcare?

I'm a teacher so am used to kids - and although I've never really had a biological clock ticking, I think part of that is because I'm with kids all day. I can give or take babies tbh, but I'm starting to realise how much joy children can bring to your life (also starting to get a little embarrassed by that rather cheesy comment).

NYNP - I'm pretty bloody fussy as it is.

Will it mean the end of the occasional bottle of wine?

No, it will mean an increase in the bottles of wine!

Lol (in a nice way) at 'Will it mean the end of the occasional bottle of wine.'

Stick around my friend. You'll find yourself in very good company

Put it this way, you will never ever regret having a child that you really wanted! The adoption or insemination are both viable options- with adoption you are giving a child the loving home they so desperately need, and with the sperm donor you will be giving not only yourself a child but your good friend. Good luck!

A good friend of mine is a teacher and has twins under a year and a 3 year old and pointed out to me that even though this is a "handful" under the usual definition her normal working day involved 30 reception aged children so she shrugs her shoulders at this point

Childcare - from 20-60 quid a day depending on where you are, with childminders being a bit cheaper and flexible, and nurseries being a bit more reliable.

Wine, yes certainly possible along the way.

I don;t think YABU as long as you have a good network of people around you in case the worst were to happen and just for normal stuff. Being in a couple at the time of conception is hardly a guarentee you will be with your partner in 5 years time so you could be with someone now and still end up a single mum

'If the question is doing it as a single woman, intentionally outside the traditional boundaries of having a man in the equation at all on a daily basis well that is the more weighty question and I can't answer that one.'

I can answer that horribly hetronormative and patrichial question - go for it!

MyBrilliantCareer - those first six months didn't last forever, it just felt like it at the time :)

I have gone through pregnancy, birth and raising an infant by myself as DP did a runner and I have also adopted a child. it does have it's hard moments, as someone said the night feeds can be soul destroying but all of it passes. As long as you have family, friends or paid help you would be fine. I am not done having children so my next DC will be conceived through DI unless my Prince Charming appears soon. The actual adoption process was the most stressful bit, actually.

Argh this is all sounding so positive and as its something that I've never considered a possibility for me, it's frightenlingly liberating. I always thought it was out of my reach.

I can see that having somewhere for her/him to stay for the occasional weekend would be a treat for me, so the support network is key. I do have some incredible friends who would do that, but not so much on a day-to-day basis.

Oddly, various strangers have commented to me that I'm really maternal and would make a great mum, but just always believed I had to be married first.

Am really grateful for your comments.

frighteningly, obviously

point of information - yes you can adopt if you are single

but you cant adopt a baby or toddler in the UK, unless they have serious special needs ( basically unless they cant find a couple)

and its very hard. DIY much easier and safer

sorry, shoudl have read thread first

earwicga apologies for my cisgendered heteronormative patriarchial response, I probably phrased it badly. I think I was trying to say to the OP - other people may have done what you're talking about, so can comment better than I can. But I do think she should go for it too.