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AIBU?

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Original poster

So what is it exactly I have been doing for the past 5 years?

81 replies

carocaro · 07/01/2011 12:16

DS2 starts school in Sept 2011 and me and DH were just talking about it and he said " you can get on now and do some actual work then"

He went out to his work straight after, whilst I am left fuming. What have I been doing for the past 5 years then?

We always agreed and I wanted to be a SAHM till both children were at school, I've helped him with his business, kept my hand in with work here and there and sold stuff, lots off in on ebay when things were very tough due to redundancy. Done all the other stuff to do with the house, budget, food - you know all the stuff.

I am just AGHAST that he has just been such a total prick and does not have one ounce of acknowledgement for the past five years.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 12:23

I am told all the time 'It must be nice not to work' by men mostly, but also by female friends who do not have children and by mothers who have had to or chosen to return to work.

Usually I nod, smile and say 'Yes, it's lovely' because they will never understand what I do and actually, yes, I did choose to stay at home rather than return to my job out of the home because I enjoy it more and think it is valuable.

This is why we have MN, people on here know how hard it is to be a SAHM. You could always try saying, 'It must be so lovely to get out of the house, spend the day with adults and earn a wage which is then yours to do with as you wish.'

It may have been a thoughless comment, but it is pretty common and does not necessarily mean that he does not appreciate all your work over the years, just that 'work' to most people means paid employment. Don't let it rile you, unless it is part of a bigger picture. As a throwaway comment, stupid but understandable.

discobeaver · 07/01/2011 12:24

Oh dear. He probably didn't mean to be crass but I think paid outside the home work and sah work can be very compartmentalised. Maybe he thought he was encouraging you to do different things?
His phrasing was off though.

working9while5 · 07/01/2011 12:26

I am not a SAHM but working only half-time.

My mother (who is a primary school teacher) said to me the other day: "well, you work less than I do now, so I suppose you won't be complaining about my holidays".

I am also working term-time only, so no, I won't be complaining about her holidays.

Difference is, she is paid for hers. Mine are unpaid. Oh yes, and I have a baby to look after too.

"That's not work.." though. Certainly not valuable work, anyway.

charliesmommy · 07/01/2011 12:26

there are plenty of mums though who post on here and elsewhere saying "I cant wait till they are in school so I can go out and do some real work and have grown up conversation"...

I wouldnt be too upset by his comment...

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 07/01/2011 12:29

"We always agreed and I wanted to be a SAHM till both children were at school"

this is what he is referring to. if you agreed to be aSAHM til your dcs was at school then he is saying that now your ds has started, you can get paid work out of the home. if you aren't happy to do that, then tell him, but don't fume at him for thinking you have stuck to the original agreement, if you haven't told him otherwise.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 07/01/2011 12:29

"We always agreed and I wanted to be a SAHM till both children were at school"

this is what he is referring to. if you agreed to be aSAHM til your dcs was at school then he is saying that now your ds has started, you can get paid work out of the home. if you aren't happy to do that, then tell him, but don't fume at him for thinking you have stuck to the original agreement, if you haven't told him otherwise.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 07/01/2011 12:29

oops, didn't mean to post twice.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 07/01/2011 12:30

ahem, DCs were at school Blush

blindassasin · 07/01/2011 12:31

I'm sure it was just a passing comment. It would be clear by now if he actually thought you hadn't been 'working' when looking after children at home.

am dipping out of this thread now though as I'm afriad it will go the same way as 100 others over the past week or so.

If only your dp new what you've given up.

altinkum · 07/01/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 12:33

I agree with others - unless it's part of an ongoing lack of acknowledgment of your role, then it's a passing comment.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 12:36

I agree with you altinkum. I think though, that it does help (it helped me when I came on MN) to identify exactly what it is I do as a SAHM and to identify the value of it to to all of us. Luckily, my DH values it

WhatsWrongWithYou · 07/01/2011 12:38

It was a bit blunt and I probably wouldn't appreciate being spoken to in those terms.

But I assume you've had further conversations on this subject as your DCs have been getting older?

If you've never indicated you might like a bit of breathing space at this time he has no reason to think you wouldn't be looking for work.

I understand you fuming about the way he's put it, though; fwiw, you've been hugely more productive than I ever have in the 15 years I've spent at home!

TattyDevine · 07/01/2011 12:39

It seems pretty clear that by "actual work" he means employment.

Unless you have some underlying issues about your role in the home, how he views it or you, etc etc, I can't see why you would interpret it so negatively when its really more of a figure of speech.

FiveFeetTwo · 07/01/2011 12:49

"Actual work" probably means (to him) going out of the house in the morning in your work clothes, clocking on, sitting at a desk/working in a shop etc then clocking off and coming home and getting paid for it.

I think he was clumsy rather than deliberately dismissing the last 5 years.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/01/2011 12:52

I agree, to him and millions of others paid employment is "work". If you had an agreement to work once the children were at school then he's reminding you of that.

I dont see being a SAHM as work, looking after the children, paying bills, housework are all things we do as adults and parents. Its not the same and shouldnt even be made out to be the same as an employed job.

SoLongAsItsHealthy · 07/01/2011 13:02

I think anyone, man or woman, who has never stayed home to look after their children has this view. I certainly did before I became one myself.

I guess when you're nose to the grindstone day in day out, doing something you don't particularly enjoy, years from retirement, commuting for hours on stinky tubes and in the rain, on your feet all day and having to pretend to get along with people you detest... then being in your own home, playing with your kids, wearing your pyjamas seems like a rather pleasant alternative. We know there's more to it but you have to admit, being your own boss has a lot of appeal.

I would also find it an irritating comment but mainly because I would feel they had touched a nerve. I know I am really lucky to be at home but I can't help feeling a bit guilty about it.

I think not earning money makes a huge difference to people. If you're not getting paid, it's not a real job. In the same way that volunteering in Oxfam two days a week isn't taken as seriously as working in Tesco two days a week.

My DS is 11 months. When people (strangely, it's usually men) ask when I'm going back to work, I say "Gosh, I'm so busy raising my child I'm not sure I'd have time for paid employment just now." Grin

stropicana2011 · 07/01/2011 13:04

Someone said to me, it must be nice being a lady of leisure (I am starting work next week but currently SAHM). I have 3 DDs, one is 21 months, um there isn't much leisure in it. Hmm

working9while5 · 07/01/2011 13:06

Here we go.

Look, it's pointless to pretend that looking after kids isn't work. I am doing both at the moment, with a bit of study chucked in.

There are pros and cons to working in and out of the home. Yes, here I can sit on my arse if I feel like it and no one oversees what I do. However, that's as true of full-time paid research (and, I'm sure, other jobs) as it is of being a parent at home.

*HappyMummyOfOne", as for tasks undertaken at home being "all things we do as adults and parents", I'm presuming that's designed to be inflammatory. This discussion is so value-laden, always. Paid work takes time. Domestic work takes time. If you do one of these tasks, it reduces time for the other. There should be no judgement attached to that. It's a simple equation.

Similarly, being in work out of the home reduces the amount of domestic work that needs to be completed. If I do my usual evening chores on a Monday night, and am working Tuesday, I come home to a tidy home on Tuesday evening. If I do the same chores on Tuesday evening, and am not at work on Wednesday, the place is a tip by 10am. And 12. And 2. Hence, you do more housework and childcare when at home. When at work, others do childcare tasks that would take up your time if you were in the home.

If a couple make an agreement about domestic responsibilities for a period of time, it doesn't make sense that the joint agreement equates to "actual work" for one party and - what? - "pretend work" for the other. It is a bit insulting as it diminishes the agreement, as though one party were doing something more valuable than the other.

Things need to be done. Families work out how to address this fact jointly and in different ways that suit their circumstances, personally, socially and financially. All this grandstanding about what is and isn't work makes no sense.

stropicana2011 · 07/01/2011 13:07

I dont see being a SAHM as work, looking after the children, paying bills, housework are all things we do as adults and parents. Its not the same and shouldnt even be made out to be the same as an employed job.

Shock Really? Being at home full time is a valuable if not more so.

working9while5 · 07/01/2011 13:08

And one for the other side Hmm

Why more valuable? ((gets cup of tea))

geezmyfeetarecold · 07/01/2011 13:10

I work part time with the majority of the week being a sahm and have never ever thought of the sahm part as being either hard, nor as work. I do only have one child though.

BreconBeBuggered · 07/01/2011 13:22

Being a SAHP is as hard or as easy as your own skills and inclinations make it. If looking after children/running a home wasn't work of some sort, there would be no need for nurseries, childminders or cleaners.

In this instance, I don't think the OP's husband meant anything derogatory by his remark, given their earlier agreement. I can see why she found it annoying, though. He'll probably be shocked at how much less easy his life becomes if carocaro does go back to work and he has to pick up a fair share of the domestic stuff himself.

working9while5 · 07/01/2011 13:26

I*Geez", if it's not work, how do you justify it?

I ask this seriously. If you are doing it for pleasure and it doesn't require thought, effort or labour, don't you feel terribly self-indulgent?

If I thought it was a holiday, I would be in paid work. We have chosen this arrangement for a variety of reasons - because it gives me flexibility for study but I am still around for ds, because it gives me more opportunity to bring him to see the rest of his family abroad (flight costs), because working fulltime would result in a financial deficit for the household due to travel and at-work expenses, because I think that I have something additional to offer ds in terms of early childhood development that a childcare provider can't replicate.

These reasons - and more - make the balance right for us right now, but I don't understand why anyone would equate childcare to holidaying, which is what it must be if it's not work.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 13:31

It's work, but without the flirtations, and going to the toilet uninterrupted.