So what is it exactly I have been doing for the past 5 years?

[carocaro]

DS2 starts school in Sept 2011 and me and DH were just talking about it and he said " you can get on now and do some actual work then"

He went out to his work straight after, whilst I am left fuming. What have I been doing for the past 5 years then?

We always agreed and I wanted to be a SAHM till both children were at school, I've helped him with his business, kept my hand in with work here and there and sold stuff, lots off in on ebay when things were very tough due to redundancy. Done all the other stuff to do with the house, budget, food - you know all the stuff.

I am just AGHAST that he has just been such a total prick and does not have one ounce of acknowledgement for the past five years.

"Oh can I urge the OP not to make a list of what she does.

She will bore her husband to death."

Chortle! I sometimes try to give DH a blow-by-blow account of my day at work (not on a regular basis you understand just when it's been particularly shitty and I need to let it all out) and he usually wanders off by the time I've reached the '..and then he said...'

I work part time but wouldnt class anything I do outside of work as actual work as its more laid back, no rushing around and isnt stressful like when I am at work.

I work with nursery aged children though so only find them stressful when there are loads of them (eg 25+) in one go lol! .

If it wasn't work, any childcare worker wouldn't get paid for it.

My DH was a bit like this too, until I had an unexpected CS and he had to take time off to do what I always do - the school run with the older one, be at home, be organised (decide what to eat, think ahead, get stuff out of the freezer, get more than just 4 pints of milk when he shopped, etc). You all know it, the list goes on. He didn't do any cleaning/changing the sheets/paying the window cleaner/gardening/phoning the doctors, etc. So, actually, not nearly as much as I do.

After 3 weeks he suddenly exploded and shouted 'I'm SICK of doing everything around here!!!' That's when the conversations about 'I don't know what you do all day' etc stopped. Though we did have a chat about how under pressure he felt as the sole wage earner.. (he's self employed). And I do get that one, which is why I don't criticise his work or how he does it.

I do see that what we SAHMs do may have flexible hours and conditions sometimes, and time with our children (irreplaceable), but childcare's expensive, and I couldn't earn enough to even pay for the childcare, PT or FT. With tax credits, we're financially better off as well if one of us is at home FT. (As well as a million other reasons.)

However, SAHMs don't get set time off, sick pay/leave of any kind or holidays. It is relentless.. but then I'm saying stuff most of us already know. But unless you've been there, you couldn't possibly know!!

He may have been joking, OP (bad one). You can either take him to task over it and offer to swap him, or just try and forget it after a few hours fuming.

I work part time and stay at home with DS 4 days a week. The 4 days I am not at work, I don't class this as working. it's just my life now that I have a child.

If I was looking after other people's children or cleaning in set hours then yes I would class that as work. but for my own, no I don't class it as a job.

it's not classed as a job, that's my point wanksock
People...society just believe babies are found in cabbage patches, and that women "choose" to be poorer than men, for some unkown reason... and that because these cabbage patch babies have nothing to do with society, or the human race (they're just something to do with women's "choices" ) then nobody has an obligation to value the work of raising said children. Which means people can be got to do it for free or for very little pay...

always conveniently forgetting, of course, that without this "unecessary" work-that's-not-really-work there would be no clients, customers, or citizens...

frgr - did you say you have 1 child? Because thats a whole different debate. Being at home with one is a walk in the park obviously.

I think I'll become a nanny looking after three children. When I had three children at home as a sahm that wasnt work but if someone paid me to look after their children it would be.

All I know is if I'm at home they trash my house, if they're in childcare/school they're not there to trash the house.

Sakura, so are children of working parents not raised by them then?

Its a choice to have children not a job. As for "Which means people can be got to do it for free or for very little pay..." do you seriously think parents should be paid to look after the child they chose to have!

altinkum:
"Tbf he has a point, work in the home is not REAL work in the sense that (before I get flamed) its not bringing a income in, your not away from the home for X amount of hours etc..."

I am away for a set number of hours, but I don't bring in an income (self-employed, scraping by, early days), so i'm not doing real work either!

stropicana2011, no we have 3. more specifically, 2 together plus my sister's little one who we've had since the age of 2 (although i don't think i've mentioned that on here before).

I said I have one child. And walk in the park or not, the time I am/was a sahm I was a sahm.

I gave up a high stress job to be a SAHM. I often refer to myself as a lady of leisure which I am compared to my previous life as a working mum. I don't wake up in the morning worrying about work, don't have difficult clients/inconsiderate colleagues phoning me at all hours of the day and night, weekends and days off included. I don't bring any income into the house anymore. In return I see doing most of the house/child related stuff as my 'job'. if I went back to work, I would want term time only, flexible hours, be able to listen to the radio, take the dog with me etc - pretty near impossible to find unless I was my own boss. So I do sort of see his point of view.

In fact anyone want to do a swap. I'll look after your children, you look after mine and we'll pay each other the same amount. Yes we'll pay tax but we won't be able to do any housework at the same time but that's ok we will be considered to actually be working.

without wanting to come across sarcastically, if washing clothes, "keeping house" like arranging medical appointments, supervising homework, is still work... does that mean i'm entitled to say i work a 16 hour day? i'm up at 6 with the kids, work 9 hrs, home, cooking, tidy up, homework...

because i genuinely don't see it like that at all. if SAHPs are suggesting that they are "at work" (as opposed to contributing to the running of the house, which is or should be of equal merit, i think we'd mostly agree)... during the day... i.e. if they throw in a washload as part of their work, working parents still have to clean clothes, organise kids, etc - just because this gets done at 8pm at night rather than 2pm on a weekday surely then doesn't mean we're not also "working" in 2 spheres.

perhaps i'm not being very articulate, but it seems silly to me to consider putting a washload in at night to be the same as when i go to work for a salary. it's not at all. it's just life. someone has to do it, and in this house it's organised so that it's roughly 50/50. just because others have an unequal split between their work at home or work outside the home between mum and dad still doesn't make being a SAHP "the same as" going out to work. it really doesn't.

i'm staggered that people are even arguing this point, tbh.

when dh started working one day a week from home, he stopped hinting at me to get a job. I think it was something to do with realising that i wasnt sitting athome all day long, painting my nails, which is what he thought i did

The days I dont go to (paid) work are my "days off". These days are blissful. The best part if my working career so far has been maternity leave LOL.
No one harrassing you, no schedules, no deadlines, no one constantly judging you, no demands and politics. My own pace, pure enjoyment. Just ME. I can be with the people i want to. Yes sometimes it is/was tiring but my god, for me personally SO SO much better/easier than my paid employment.

Yawn, these threads are becoming a bit tedious.

Being a SAHM or SAHD is not a holiday. It can be relentless, it can be boring at times, as well as interesting, and it usually involves carrying out quite a number of household tasks, eg washing, cleaning, cooking (simply because its easier if one person is at home for them to do most of it). These tasks are not difficult, but can be tedious. However, being at home is not a job. You don't have to fulfil any specific requirements, meet deadlines, and you're not paid a salary. Those are facts, not judgements.

As far as the other half making derogatory comments, or seeming to disagree (because that's been a frequent theme lately too) TALK TO YOUR PARTNER!!!!!

It is utterly pointless moaning on MN about feeling undervalued and unappreciated. Find out what the issue is. Is your partner unhappy with the status quo? Are they fed up of being the sole earner? Do you need to rethink responsibilities?

And well we're on the subject, the comparisons with being a nanny or childminder are pointless. Those are jobs which you have to apply for. You need to find and keep clients, meet their expectations, and in the case of childminding, are judged by Ofsted too.

And that's not dismissing what a SAHP does - just stating facts.

Totally agree with frgr. Household tasks are just life. They don't all disappear when you have a job!

frgr, I understand your difficulties with inflating costs attached to being a SAHM e.g. equating it to a £200K salary. However, there's surely something between SAHM = not at all like paid work and SAHM = "the hardest job in the world"?

Like all jobs, the role is not necessarily the same for each woman undertaking it. My grandmother had 8 children. I bet she worked an awful lot harder than any of the posters on this thread (whether paid or unpaid). I doubt anyone would compare maternity leave on full pay with one delightful little baby who is a biddable sort and associated lunches and lattes to any paid employment.

However, the fact is that childcare does cost in our economy and there are many, many women forced out of work by this cost. If I have another child - just one measly little child - nursery costs will tip over that of my daily take home pay, and I am not poorly paid by the national average.

Yes, of course, there's dh blah blah, but our net income would reduce more than my job brings in.

If you are at home with young children (and not privileged enough to have hired help/enough money to spend all day every day out of the house on exciting day trips) then you will do the work at home that a childcare worker would do for you if you were at work. Without a lunchbreak etc etc.

It might not be worth £200K a year to your household, but the messes you clear at 2pm will be greater than if you were at work with your children messing up childcare instead, so it still counts.

Well expressed working

OP it was insensitive in his choice of wording.

But looking after children is not an actual job in the sense of going out and getting paid for your labour.

Being a stay at home parent is actually a choice (in most cases).

hes right.sahm isnt work.doesnt equate to job

"People...society just believe babies are found in cabbage patches, and that women "choose" to be poorer than men, for some unkown reason... and that because these cabbage patch babies have nothing to do with society, or the human race (they're just something to do with women's "choices" hmm ) then nobody has an obligation to value the work of raising said children"

I believe that having children is the parents' choice.

I believe that earning your keep (individually or as a couple) is not a choice.

Those who work, do.

If a family has enough income to have one parent stay at home, that's a privelidged position to be in.

Having two parents at work does absolutely not equate to having other's bringing them up.

I very much resent any attitude that comes close to any idea that somehow the rest of us have some obligation to value the work a person does raising their own children in financial terms.

sorry, I meant 'those who can work should'.