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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my baby

74 replies

DaraMahini · 06/01/2011 18:15

I had my baby girl 3 weeks ago and do not think I'm a good mummy. Her daddy died in a car accident 4 months ago and I'm struggling to care for my baby. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I can give her the best life.

OP posts:
grumpybrusselsprout · 06/01/2011 18:17

Oh Dara Sad
What a difficult time for you, your emotions must be all over the place at the moment.
What support have you got in real life?
Sorry things are so tough.

conkertree · 06/01/2011 18:18

Dara - that's such an awful thing to happen, don't for a second think that you are a bad mummy.

There is so much to unpack there that you must need to talk about. Do you have a close support network - mum etc that can be helping you just now.

Its hard enough with two parents without having to deal with grieving as well.

Chil1234 · 06/01/2011 18:18

You need to talk to your health visitor and those around you who care about you. Motherhood is stressful and if you're also grieving, of course you're going to find things difficult. FWIW Many of us don't bond with our children right from day 1 and feeling inadequate as a parent is much more normal than you might think.

jessiealbright · 06/01/2011 18:19

I am so terribly sorry about your loss.

I think you need to tell your GP or health visitor how you're feeling.

CheerfulYank · 06/01/2011 18:20

It's been three weeks, darling. You've had no time to discover if you're a good mum or not! (And I'm sure you are.)

I'm sorry for your loss and urge you to get in touch with your HV.

GiddyPickle · 06/01/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greeninkmama · 06/01/2011 18:22

Oh you can, you can. that is so sad and I am so sorry for your loss - but your baby girl exists only because of you and your partner. It is totally understandable that you can't feel much happiness right now, and you really need support to help you through.

vinocollapso · 06/01/2011 18:23

My heart goes out to you, please, please find someone you can talk to properly concerning this and your grief.

Please do not think you are a bad Mummy - you are a Mummy, no more, no less, and just do the best you can every day. One day - one hour sometimes - at a time. Your little girl loves and needs you so much, but you also need love and support, so please don't be unkind to yourself right now.

Where abouts are you in the country, Dara?

xx

elmofan · 06/01/2011 18:23

You poor thing Sad please talk to your HV or GP about your feelings .
[un mn hugs]

grumpybrusselsprout · 06/01/2011 18:24

You are the best mum for your little girl, noone can do it better than you.
But its really hard! Even more so after the loss of her dad.
You will be really high risk for depression so hope that your HV is keeping an eye on you?

jessiealbright · 06/01/2011 18:24

GiddyPickle: "With everything that's happened the fact that you are even worrying about being a good mummy proves that you are. You are putting your baby first despite your huge loss."

This. Remember those lines, please, Dara.

classydiva · 06/01/2011 18:24

Real sorry for the loss of your dear partner.

Times are hard for you right now and it would appear you are suffering from pnd. You can get help via your doctor to get some medication which will help you along your way.

Your daughter needs you, and you need her.

Get some help.

Take care.

Northernlurker · 06/01/2011 18:26

Only a good mother worries about being a bad one!
This is a hugely emotional time - give your self a bit of space. Have you got any help in RL?

Megglevache · 06/01/2011 18:26

Where is Trinity? I hope she sees this. She lost a dear husband and I think if she knows you are here she'd be able to share her experience.

You poor thing :(

You are the best thing for your baby.

DeidreBarlow · 06/01/2011 18:29

Your poor thing. You are still grieving and on top of this tradgedy you have to deal with the overwhelming experience of having a baby.

My heart goes out to youSad. Do you have RL help? You love your baby, thats all she needs from you right now. Please give yourself time to grieve properly and get help from GP/HV.

spiderlight · 06/01/2011 18:33

Oh, bless you - it must be unimaginably hard. My heart truly does go out to you and I hope you find a way through it.

sux2bsanta · 06/01/2011 18:34

Dara love, practically every mum i know feels like this in the first few months. Mine is 5 weeks old tomorrow and i would dread to think what others would make of my mothering so far (and i've been through it once before).
I think you are amazing. And brave. And you have every right to be sad. And angry. And hurting. But no way are you not the best for your little girl. She will love you because you are her mum. When she is older and you can show her photos of her dad and she knows how bloody hard you tried these first few weeks she will be so so proud of you.
It's ridiculously tough at first. Dealing with loss on top especially so raw and recent i think anyone would feel like you do. I am sorry i am not in the uk. Maybe a new mum reading this could meet you in a cafe for a coffee or something just to get you out. Where are you? have your inlaws been available - could they offer you some help?
don't care whether it is mumsnetty or not - you need a hug xxxx

TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 18:36

Your baby loves and needs you more than anything in the world Dara.

You have been through an unthinkably traumatic experience and it is no wonder you feel the way you do. It would knock the stuffing out of anyone.

Please seek some help to get you through this difficult time. In time you will find that something of your partner is still with you in your daughter and you will be glad to live your life and have her in it.

I am thinking of you x

TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 18:37

I also want to say that I know what it is like to be in a situation that you can't possibly see a way out of. I have been there too - but please know that you will be happy again and that all bad things pass. It does not feel like it at the moment, but I promise that it is true.

BellsaRinging · 06/01/2011 18:38

Dara-a similar thing happened to me. ds1 was born 6 years ago and I was sleepwalking through the first 2 years. I have v few memories of that time, but rate it as my biggest achievement to date that I survived it. And for some time that was all I did-survive. I felt I was a crap mum too, not doing enough or feeling enough-basically I attended to ds' needs and cuddled him etc, but found it difficult to do more, or feel as much as I did before IYSWIM. BUT I got through it, and things are better now, and I think ds1 suffered no ill effects, and we're v close. He's a credit to me and his dad. Others will give you more practical advice, but for now I wanted to let you know that it IS possible to live through this, and keep your daughter with you.
I hope you get all the support you need. Having said all the above, I think I would have benefitted from seeing a doctor and possibly getting referred to a counsellor, as I wonder if counselling and having someone to talk to might have helped, also would have had a proper check for PND. It certainly couldn't hurt to have a chat with your doctor?
Good luck.

LynetteScavo · 06/01/2011 18:38

If you love her, that is enough.

All a baby needs is love, milk and clean nappies.

The very fact that you know you love your baby is brilliant, because lots of great mums don't feel that when their baby is three weeks old.Smile

Iggly · 06/01/2011 18:40

Dara :(

Take one day at a time. Your baby needs you but you need to look after yourself and grieve for your loss.

Where do you live? Is there anyone who can help? Can you talk to family/friends or HV?

shinyrobot · 06/01/2011 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 06/01/2011 18:43

Oh my goodness, how terribly sad, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through with regards to grief/hormones etc Sad

Your baby needs you and you need her and you are the BEST mother for your baby.

I think you need to talk to your HV and GP about how you are feeling. I would imagine your HV is keeping a very close eye on you but PLEASE tell her exactly how you are feeling so she can help.

My thoughts are with you x

kitty4paws · 06/01/2011 18:49

Oh how sad, just uttery sad :(

The very fact that you are on MN saying that you ar a bad mummy ( and you ar not) actually means that you care and love tremendosly (sp) for your baby and are NOT a baby mummy. Just you are in the most awful situation, its no wonder your emtions are all over the place.

Please, please tell your GP or HV. I had problems ( though nothing like what you are going through) with my first baby and once I'd sobbed down the phone to my HV that my life was "rubbish" I was gathered up into the "system" (as is were) and things did get better, I was so glad I made that call.Hv and GP may be very good at their job but mind readers thay are not.

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