to not want my baby

[DaraMahini]

I had my baby girl 3 weeks ago and do not think I'm a good mummy. Her daddy died in a car accident 4 months ago and I'm struggling to care for my baby. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I can give her the best life.

I am so sorry for your loss Dara. You might be worried that you don't feel enough love for your baby. Grief can overshadow every other feeling and make you completely numb or hopeless. Please don't blame yourself for this natural process.

Speak to your doctor so that s/he can refer you to a counsellor who will listen to you without judging you and help you get through the next year.

Just getting through each day one at a time should be your goal. Your baby knows you are there and the bonding will come when the grief is easing. I wish you every good piece of luck you can get and so much real life support.

X

Agree with everyone else. Where are you OP? Are you OK?

So glad you have a baby daughter. You are the very best mummy she can have and lots and lots of us had to learn it to begin with. I had to learn to love my dd but then that love grew and grew.

Do you have support from friends and family -if not there are lots of networks out there.

Can anyone post links to support groups I'm not technie enough else would be searching the net.

where is the OP? Please talk to your HV or GP, what about other family to help out?

You will get there, you love her, and honestly, love and milk is all your darling baby needs.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

You sound like a wonderful Mummy, you have been through so much you poor thing

Is there anyone you can reach out to in RL? Family or your HV to get some practical support?

Huge unmumsnet hug to you

Dara - I can only so that I am so sorry about your loss. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to my DH.

in relation to not bonding immediately with your DD - I didn't bond with my DD2 for about 18 months, at one stage I think I even resented her from taking me away from DS1. I wouldn't have done a thing to hurt her, and she was always fed, watered, kept clean etc but it was just as if something was missing. I would also think that she might be better with someone else as her mum, all I can say now is that it did click in the end and we are now soooo close that all of her teachers have remarked on the relationship which we have. DD2 is happy and confident and certainly no worse for wear because of this.

Give it some time, get some help and realise that although you have lost your DH, you still have friends / family who are only waiting for you to say that you need them.

MN is also here for you, get involved with the local groups and just keep talking. tell us where you are in the country and I'm sure there will be something going on.

Oh you poor lady - please please reach out and get some help. Please don't feel bad about how you feel you have been through so so much. It may be an idea to contact places that bring people together who have lost partners? Please ask your GP
Do not suffer alOne - please get help and in time you will see that your beautiful baby will be your saviour

Please let us know how you get on

I'm sorry for yours and your daughters loss.
Please talk to your hv about everything you are feeling she will help.
Do you have any other family that can help you?
X

Of course you can give her the best life! She has her mum! Take it from me - I grew up without mine and if there is ONE thing I could make different....!

I wasn't even sure I LOVED my dd when she was 3 weeks old, so you already have a head start on me. Speak to your HV - they will totally understand that you need some extra support.

Reach out to family and friends. The first few months are really tough even without taking your bereavement into account. Go easy on yourself!

Oh Dara, I echo the sentiments of the others. Bad mums dont care if they are doing a good job or not. What support have you right now - are you in bereavement councelling, are your friends and families around to help. I dont want to say I feel sorry for you, but I do feel for you if that makes sense. Please speak to someone in rl and I hope you get some support soon.

Hope you are ok Dara. Please keep posting.

Dara, you can, and you already are doing! I would just like to echo the others in hoping that you have RL support and offering myself in that capacity if you happen to be anywhere near me (North Yorks). Please keep posting and tell us where you are.

Oh I do feel for you.

But what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Even for a mum that has lots of support and hasnt been through the hellish trauma you have, the first few weeks are so so hard.

I agree that you should talk to your HV and they can put you in touch with people such as Homestart that can help. Also, maybe CRUSE would have information about groups for women in your situation.

My heart goes out to you, but please hold on to the fact that you are giving her what she needs more than anything else, your love.

Take care x

:( for you.
But seriously, is there any such thing as a good mother at three weeks? Most are at their tether's end aren't they? I was. And that's without what you have had to contend with.

it gets easier, don't give up now. It is the hardest thing anyone can do. You can do it.

Please come back and let us know you're OK, we'll be here for you when you're ready. :)

u obviously do lover her and care about her otherwise you wouldnt be on here!
its a terrible situation to be in, and u are and will still be grieving, grief affects everyone differently.
Your child is living through your partner and its the closest thing you have got to him, remember that when you hug her.
I agree with going to see your gp or health visitor to make sure you dont get ill with everything you have and still are going through.Have you got family and friends that can help you?
I wish you all the hope in future for you and you baby gal xxxx

So sorry for your situation Dara. I believe you are a good mother and I don't even know you but the reason I know you are a good mother is partly down to the previous poster - that you are on here posting. Secondly, you are thinking about your feelings and your baby. Another point, when I work out the dates of events, it would appear that when you lost your baby's father, you would still be under the 24 week mark? This, being the latest time for an abortion in this country. I know that sounds like I have said an awful thing but I am looking at the flip side of it - you carried your pregnancy through. It might simply be because you are anti-abortion for whatever reason but it might also be because the pregnancy was the thing that kept you going when you lost your baby's father. I don't know your views on it but if it is the latter, then you need to hold tight to that fact - that you had the strength and determination to see you through the rest of your pregnancy, through what was and still is a very difficult thing to deal with.

On top of this, being a first time mummy is hard under any usual circumstances - it really is. Not everyone falls in love with their baby straightaway for lots of different reasons. It's a big change in anyone's life and so to deal with the bereavement as well - it's a lot to manage.

You will get through this - of course it does not seem like it right now but I know you can hold onto the "light at the end of the tunnel" thought - because you came here; because you are still thinking and feeling. Wishing you and your little girl the best of luck for the future.

I lost my mum when I was pregnant with my first child. I was devastated. It must be horrendous for you to lose your DH. It took about 2 years for me to even start to feel normal again and I don't think I was really coping at all for a lot of that time and for quite a while after. The pain does gradually start to ease but I found that counselling and joinging mum and baby groups both really helped. It helped me to get out of the house everyday and have some where to go and people to talk to. Try asking you Dr, HV, midwife, local library, checking noticeboard in supermarket etc for places to go.

Your DD would NOT be better off with someone else as it is her mum she needs right now. I have no idea what I felt when my DC was born as I was numb and would just sit staring at her. I couldn't really cope with doing stuff around the house and suffered from terrible anger.

I wish I could take your pain away for you.

Oh my goodness I was not expecting so much kindness. I hadn't visited mumsnet before but was looking for somewhere to talk about my feelings and found Am I Being Unreasonable. After I posted I read a few other posts and realised I'd made a big mistake in posting, and that this wasn't the right place for my message. It was only when I got an e-mail to tell me I had a PM from a kind lady that I came back to read responses, quite expecting a lot of "Yes, you are being unreasonable"

I'm in tears reading these kind messages and I don't deserve them.

I am seeing a counselor on Monday

For those that asked about family, I have none in England. My parents are both dead and my brothers live in our home country of France.

Dara - it's great to hear from you. You do deserve these messages - people have so much compassion - nice human trait heh?

So glad you are going to see a counsellor on Monday, especially as you have no family but sometimes, a stranger is so much easier to talk to; you can really say how you feel without being judged.

Try and have a nice weekend with your baby and take confidence in the fact you have taken steps to get some help. Good luck for Monday. Lots of hugs.

Dara - I'm so relieved to hear from you. AIBU isn't the obvious place but when people are really in difficulties I've never seen anything but kindness and support. Glad you're seeing a counsellor and sorry you've no-one near right now.

Look after yourself. I am thinking of you. And you deserve every single message of support.

Love and hugs.

Oh Dara, that is so awful. I can't even imagine what you must be going through! Having a baby is so hard at the best of times nevermind with all your added heartache. Is there anyone that can help you out? Is staying with your parents for a while maybe an option? Please don't be afraid to ask for help and let people know your struggling. I'm sure family and friends will rally round!

Having a baby is so hard but honestly it does get easier. I struggled at first and i hadn't been through what you have but DD is 4 months old now and can honestly say it is far less difficult the older they get.

Stay strong for you and your beautiful baby!

xx

Daramahini, is there a possibibilty for you to return to France to be nearer your brothers?

If you don't mind saying what area of the UK are you located in? It is so hard being in another country at the best of times but under your circumstances it must be horrible. Please tell us where you are and hopefully you will have some mumsnet ladies around who can help you out.

I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you xx

I don't know whereabouts you are but if you wanted to tell us roughly I'm sure some of us would be happy to help you practically. You're not alone :)

x posts!