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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my baby

74 replies

DaraMahini · 06/01/2011 18:15

I had my baby girl 3 weeks ago and do not think I'm a good mummy. Her daddy died in a car accident 4 months ago and I'm struggling to care for my baby. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I can give her the best life.

OP posts:

Zoonose · 07/01/2011 20:12

Dara I'm so sorry for your loss and for how this must be for you. I wanted to add this in case it helped you. One of my dearest friends lost his wife in an accident when their DS was just under 2. Very different age but what is beautiful is how much of his mother clearly lives on in the little boy - you can see different aspects of her looks and her character all the time. This brings huge comfort to my friend and he and his DS are so close. I know this is a long way off for you ... But your DD will grow into the most wonderful little person I promise you and she will bring you so much happiness, and she will be so many ways like her daddy and that will be precious to you.

newmum001 · 07/01/2011 20:12

Dara im so sorry, i hadn't seen your post about your parents. I hope i haven't upset you. x

Fontsnob · 07/01/2011 20:29

Oh goodness, I've only just (4 months on) started to feel like I can maybe actually do this mum stuff. I can't imagine how you are feeling but I hope you are able to find a support network that will help you. My health visitor has been invaluable, hopefully yours will be too. Sending masses of good thoughts your way.

stoppinchingthedummy · 07/01/2011 20:43

oh dara :( how sad :( Your not alone please use here for support and i hope your appt with a counciller went ok xxxx

reinitindear · 07/01/2011 20:58

Dara so sad to hear your story and how you are feeling.I can only second the others who have said that most people without the dreadful circumstances you are in feel like they are no good at being a Mum straight away.Please use all the counselling and help that is offered and if you are anywhere near me (North Wales)I would happily help in anyway.Try and stay strong your little one loves you and will be so proud of her amazing Mum when she knows how you coped when she is older.Sending you good thoughts and wishes.

porcamiseria · 07/01/2011 21:26

another sending support your way Dara

I hope that as the days and weeks pass its get easier for you

the newborn days are hard, but as time passses it will get easier, and harder too

sorry for your loss and congrats and your baby

TheUnmentioned · 07/01/2011 21:32

Having a newborn is hard, damn close to impossible sometimes and completely overwhelming ime.

You love her, that is enough along with meeting her needs, you dont need to be supermum, you dont need to be a disney mum always happy, no-one is.

You have suffered a lot and Im so, so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could do.

Namethechange · 07/01/2011 23:44

I'm so sorry for your loss I can't begin to imagine what you are going through . I am sending you a huge hug . Feeling like you are notbonding how you ahold be is more common than you think. I felt that way for about four months now my ds is six months and I love him more than anything , you will get there too and it will be the most amazing thing , you are a great mother and exceptionally strong to be worried about how good a mum you are when dealing with such huge personal grief she is lucky to have you for a mum . I beleive the relatives I have lost are looking down on me watching out for me and sometimes I will say a prayer to them it helps me
through missing them. Do you have friends over here ? Going out and seeing people willhelp , mother and baby groups or even going to church, I used to go more to keep my mum happy but I found the support there when people needed it to be amazing . Where are you ? I am in Newcastle if you want someone to go to any groups or even for a coffee I would be happy to meet up , take care ps you do deserve kindness you desrve all the kindness in the world .

CinnabarRed · 08/01/2011 06:18

Just wanted to send you (((hugs))). Thinking of you. If there's anything you need, there's bound to be a MN'er nearby who can help.

Parsgirl · 08/01/2011 07:16

Thinking of you Dara (((hugs)))

thelittlestkiwi · 08/01/2011 07:28

Dara, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just want to urge you to take up any offers of help. I've had to do this as I am overseas and away from mine and OH's families.

But taking up offers from neighbours etc has brought more benefits than just the odd bit of baby sitting. It's made us connected to the place we live and people around us. People will love to help with a newborn- particularly when you can hand them back and have a good nights sleep .

Sending you and your DD hugs from far away.

GColdtimer · 08/01/2011 07:37

Dara, I am so glad you came back. Have youseen there is a bereavement topic? Sadly there are quite a few MNers who have been through this. Have you got any rl support around you? How about your dp's parents? Take any help that is offered and equally don't be afraid to ask.

There is a fantastic organisation called WAY foundation (widowed and young). I am on my phone so can't do a link but if you google it you should find it. They provide support and will put you in touch with others in the ssme position.

Good luck and please keep posting on MN.

giraffesCantDirtyDance · 08/01/2011 07:39

You do deserve kind messages and support. Am glad you have found mumsnet. Keep posting. Pleased to hear you are going to counselling. Look after yourself. :) x

blinder · 08/01/2011 07:59

Thank you for coming back to reply Dara. I hope your counselling appointment goes well. Don't suppose you are in south Wales?

usernamechanged345 · 08/01/2011 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plumm · 08/01/2011 10:42

What part of the country are you based in, Dara? I'm sure there will be some MNetters locally who would love to meet up for a coffee and a chat.

valiumredhead · 08/01/2011 15:25

Dara I'm so pleased you came back, I've been thinking about you. I'm so glad you are seeing a counsellor on Monday. Please update us x

FanjolinaJolie · 08/01/2011 15:39

Dara - so sorry to hear of the loss of your partner.

The early weeks are incredibly challenging with a newborn, learning your way and bonding and coping with the demands of the baby. Plus you are doing all this while grieving still. Be as kind to yourself as you can. You are all your baby needs.

Try and plug in to real life and your community, ask your HV about mother and baby groups, lone parent groups, baby massage etc. You need real-life support from friends.

Great to hear you are seeing a counsellor.

Would you consider moving back to France?

StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar · 08/01/2011 15:44

Dara congratulations on yourlittle girl
Feeling inadequate is normal but you are the best mum your baby has- she will make that clear herself in a few months

So sorry to hear about your partner. What support are you getting from your health visitor?

Do you hvae local friends and go to baby groups, such as NCT?

MN has a local section if you're interested in meeting someone for coffee and cake

valiumredhead · 10/01/2011 18:03

Dara how did your appt go today? x :)

LeQueen · 10/01/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinder · 10/01/2011 19:57

Also wondering how your appointment went Dara...

Adversecamber · 10/01/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/01/2011 21:55

Dara i am sorry for your loss, nothing to add to what other have said.

just didn't want to read and run xxxx

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