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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this childminder is barking?

54 replies

emkana · 05/01/2011 20:28

Friend's ds is 16 months old, has been going to childminder four days a week since September. Recently he has started pinching or hitting the other children on occasion. The cm has now said to my friend that she can't tolerate violence in her sitting, that she suspects deep-seated parenting problems and that she will give notice unless he stops. Is it me or is that completely mad when talking about a 16 month old?

OP posts:
compo · 05/01/2011 20:30
Shock I'd report to ofsted she's a crap cm
rubyslippers · 05/01/2011 20:30

Madness

Has she actually met any toddlers?!

Littlefish · 05/01/2011 20:30

Barking.

I would probably remove my child from the care of someone who obviously knows so little about child development.

claireybear82 · 05/01/2011 20:31

id probably bite her.

Original poster
emkana · 05/01/2011 20:34

My friend will look for a new cm.

OP posts:
curlymama · 05/01/2011 20:38

I don't think anyone can judge on the basis of that one sentence you wrote about his behaviour, but 16 months does seem very young to label as violent.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:39

Crap. Pinching and hitting is very common at this age. If it's happening on her watch she (the cm) needs to deal with it

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:40

clairybear Grin

charliesmommy · 05/01/2011 20:41

I suppose it depends.

Supposing the OP was the parent of one of the bitten children.

Once or twice could be allowed, but if my child was regularly being bitten or hit by another child I wouldnt be happy about it.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:42

The cm should be preventing it happening though, charliesmommy.

charliesmommy · 05/01/2011 20:46

She should.. and maybe she has tried, but if the other parents are complaining, then she is stuck in a rock and hard place really.

16 months is very young to deal with and discipline and if it is becoming a problem, then she has to deal with it via the parent.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:48

Fair do's charliesmomma . But to come out with rubbish about deep-seated parenting problems ..... My own Charlie was a biter/pusher/hitter and I am practically perfect in every way!

Original poster
emkana · 05/01/2011 20:49

The cm has said to my friend that she should go on a parenting course.

OP posts:
unfitmother · 05/01/2011 20:49

YANBU, your poor friend.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:52

emkana - can you see any problems with her parenting?. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that a traumatised child might act out, BUT many many pre-verbal children behave in this way because they are learning to socialise

Original poster
emkana · 05/01/2011 20:52

I know, I feel so sorry for her, it's her first as well and she has really doubted herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 05/01/2011 20:54

I think she is a lovely mother.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 05/01/2011 20:54

I'm thinking she wants rid because it will be too much mega-supervision to avoid it happening and that sounds too much like hard work. So easier to pass the bad-guy baton to the parents and play the blame game.

There might be more to it or missing info in which case my thoughts above are unfair on the childminder but that's what it sounds like simply because at 16 months, it is a supervision issue not a parenting issue, if the child is still doing it at 2/2 and a half or whatever then perhaps it is, (or not even!) but to say that its a parenting issue because its emerged in the first place is a bit rough.

Different story if she had a problem 3 year old in her care, causing trouble and unsettling the group with blase parents, but that is not the case.

pink4ever · 05/01/2011 20:56

Sorry I am with cm on ths.Biting cannot be tolerated(and if it were my child coming home with bite marks would be Angry.
16 months does seem a little young to be labled "violent" but cm has a responsibility to her other charges(and why is it her job to prevent it-surely that is down to the parent?).
My sister has similiar problem with dn.Had numerous meetings with nursery(aged 2 though) re biting/hitting. They put her on final warning that he would be asked to leave!(and she paid 700 quid a month for that privalege!).

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:56

Well then tell her from me that the cm is talking crap. It's hard enough when your little baby starts to behave in a so-called aggressive way, harder still when it's your first and you think every thing they do reflects on you, without ignoramuses making you feel bad.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 20:57

pink4ever - have you got a child this age? Have you had a child who bites?

TattyDevine · 05/01/2011 20:59

"and why is it her job to prevent it-surely that is down to the parent"

How do you propose that they prevent it then Pink4Ever, if they are not present at the time?

Presumably (by the sounds of it) this child is an only child so possibly doesn't even display the behaviours at home for the parents to do anything about it.

So genuine question, what do you propose the parents should be doing?

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 21:01

... give the child a good talking to, presumably, or remove its teeth? Grin

NB - my children have also been on the receiving end of bites, so I know how distressing that is

charliesmommy · 05/01/2011 21:02

the CM has a duty of care towards ALL the children though, and if other parents are unhappy at their kids going home with teethmarks on them (which I expect they would be), then it cant be allowed to go on..

if a thread was started by a parent saying "my child is coming home with bites and bruises every day" I wonder what the responses would be...

pink4ever · 05/01/2011 21:03

tattydevine-obviously when child is at cm they cant do anything but if they observe this behaviour at home or in the presence of family etc then they must make sure their dc understands that it is wrong and wont be tolerated(and yes I do have dcs,3. Youngest is 18 months and certainly understands the word no!).
jamieleecurtis-no none of my children have ever bitten other children.