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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can married men have a fremale platonic friend?

94 replies

GabbyLoggon · 04/01/2011 14:13

Or married women a platonic male buddy?
this was discussed recently on radio.

A man said "sex is the drivingforce which keeps us going"

A woman said " No, MONEY is the real driving force"

Well, without any sexual contact the human race would die out.

If money vanished, we would find another way of keeping society going. (I presume)

Platonic relationships between committed
men or women
Its not going to be easy; but it can be done between an honest couple...But on occasions sex will make honest men dishonest.
( women too?)

MONEY? well its sort of one of the last taboo subjects...the super rich, Cameron says
"I am comfortable" He dare not be open and honest...the insiders say he has £30m....would 5m be less comfortable? What about £60 a week to live on?

ETON college needs to teach their students
candour and honesty...no weasel words.

I must take that picture of Cheryl off my
study wall...Platonic? Why I, bonny lass.

OP posts:

Particles · 04/01/2011 22:56

Ah, but you see I have my reasons for not trusting him entirely, as I've just stated. Actions have consequences and if he wants to be with me, he must accept them; if not then he is free to leave! Was more of a joke to say "no female friends at all", obviously there are females we socialise with, some of whom (dull, dull, dull!) I would consider friends of his more than mine. However, he has made his bed and if I was not happy with one of his friendships on these particular grounds I would say so. As his wife and the mother of his child, I would expect him to put me above anyone outside the marriage, as I do him and if he were to find this at all unacceptable then he knows the door is always open for him to leave!

KalokiMallow · 04/01/2011 23:07

I'm a little confused particle, he's slept with these friends before meeting you. And because he didn't introduce them as women he'd slept with, you now discourage him from having female friends?

JodiesMummy · 04/01/2011 23:10

Yes. I have men friends. My DP has female friends. I love it that they all secretly want to marry him :)

countless · 04/01/2011 23:13

i don't have a problem with dh's remaining female friends who pre-date our relationship but would be concerned if he developed a new friendship with a woman and wanted to spend time alone with her. i did stamp out majority of his 'friendships' with exes/ casual shags etc in the early days of our relationship. i was young and less tolerant in those days.
he does have one female friend who i've never really liked much, she's so grating. but i have no problem with them spending time together.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 04/01/2011 23:15

CurlyMama - I would quite fancy having sex with a good 25% of people I meet. Being married doesn't change that. Being in a monogomous relationship is an agreement not to act on those feelings not to stop having them.

countless · 04/01/2011 23:22

thecoalition- do you really fancy sex with other people? i shudder at the thought of anyone other than dh seeing me naked

Particles · 04/01/2011 23:32

Bit of a complicated one really, he went through a bad break up and then made extremely good use of his new status as a single man before meeting me and made his way through a lot of his close friendship group, including his best friend's sister, another friend's current girlfriend and a few others I raised my eyebrows at (none of which he is particularly proud of now) but a few of these were not just women we would meet in passing, as in women from his past iyswim but women who we would see every day, women who called over to his house for a cuppa (a neighbour who still had a key for example) and two of whom still carried a torch for him and tried to make false friendships with me to stay close to him (he admits he saw this happening but still could not tell me) without anyone ever being honest with me about the true nature of their relationship. Rightly or wrongly I felt quite hurt and humiliated when this all came to light (via somebody else), especially after trying hard to get on with these women and not understanding why there was a certain oddness in the atmosphere whenever they were around and as a result I don't unquestioningly trust his friendships as I previously did.

fortyplus · 04/01/2011 23:35

mayorquimby - one of my male friends is a neighbour of someone dh plays badminton with every week. My friend took great delight in telling me that his neighbour had commented that my dh 'wasn't allowed' to go to the pub after badminton! Turns out that dh has been using me as an excuse not to go drinking with his mates!

KalokiMallow · 05/01/2011 00:48

Ah ok, that makes more sense, I understand you now

sarah293 · 05/01/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AngryPixie · 05/01/2011 09:10

Thank you for introducing me to a new experience, disagreeing with Riven

I texted 2 of my male friends this morning, with the message 'do you fancy me - even a little bit?' and a link to mn. One texted back 'not since the day I held your hair whilst you were sick and you vomited on my shoes' (15 years ago I hasten to add) and the other one said 'bleugh - that's almost as bad as getting that text from M' (his sister) 'I love you dearly but fancy...just no!'

I knew I was on safe ground with these 2. There can be sexual tension in these type of friendships and some people enjoy that too but there doesn't have to be.

And yes, they could be lying but I trust them - they're my friends!

sarah293 · 05/01/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TyraG · 05/01/2011 09:14

Yes. My DH has friends who are female and I have friends who are male.

BeenBeta · 05/01/2011 09:36

OK I admit it. I did once entertain non platonic thoughts about a female friend.

In the end she made the first move but I really wanted her to. We eventually got married so it was OK.

TheFeministParent · 05/01/2011 09:38

I can't, unless they're not at all attractive. I have to keep myself away from situations because I love to flirt, too much.

But then perhaps that says more about my partnership than anything else.

TheFeministParent · 05/01/2011 09:39

And nearly all my male friends have at one point or another said they fancy me.....

Thistledew · 05/01/2011 09:39

10 years ago I would have said yes, that it is possible to have a close platonic friend of the opposite gender, and that I had several. I used to say that I got on better with men as friends than I did with women.

However, I then had the wonderful experience of having three of my closest friends suddenly declare that they fancied me, but knowing that I was not interested in having a relationship with them, maybe we could be fuck buddies charming.

One got quite aggressive in the way he suggested this and showed a side of himself that had not seen before and was very uncomfortable with.

This has put me off having any close male friends. I do have male friends from work that I would go for a quick drink with after work, and other male friends whom I know as part of a couple and am friends with their gf or dw as well.

DP has female friends at work or that he has known since uni who cause me no qualms about them going for a drink now and then. I would feel quite uncomfortable if he had one special female friend whom he saw on a regular basis, but that is probably largely to do with the fact that he does not have a particular male friend like this so it would be out if his normal pattern of friendships.

Serendippy · 05/01/2011 10:03

Yes. On the basis that I have male friends and do not want to shag all of them. By this definition lesbians should not have female friends, bisexuals should not have any friends, etc. Some of you have had bad experiences but I have had friendships of over 20 years with men I went to school with that have remained platonic. DH is the same as far as I know

OTheHugeManatee · 05/01/2011 10:31

I don't see why we shouldn't have friends of both sexes. DP has a handful of very good female friends, and it would never cross my mind to feel threatened.

DP is more likely to feel jumpy about my friendships - I suppose I'd have to describe myself as bisexual, and a lot of my close female friends are gay; so in theory he could feel jealous of pretty much any platonic friend of mine, whether male or female.

Fortunately he's pretty much stopped doing that now, and has come round to the idea that he's stuck with me

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