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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call dh a selfish pig this morning?

74 replies

allluckedout · 04/01/2011 09:56

Sorry if this tunrs out to be a long one.
Yesterday we thought we were both due back at work today and all three dc back to school.
Last night dh gets a text from his boss to say no work today so he could have the day off, at that point we both jokingly said about peace and quiet today, me at work in the office no children and him at home no children.
cut to this morning, we all, except dh who is still in bed, get up at 6.45 have breakfast get dressed, ds1 goes off to his senior school at 8 when his friends knock for him. Me and ds2 and dd leave for school at 8.35 thinking its a bit quiet but we don;t tend to see many people until we get closer to school. anyway turns out school is closed today both the juniors and foundation. Never mind i think dh is at home he can look after them. they are 8 and 4 so pretty much look after them selves in terms of entertainment, i am talking about making sure he feeds and waters them and thast it.
get home, i go upstairs and gently wake him (9.a.m by this point) and tell him the little ones are at home today but i have to go to work for 10 as usual so will wake him at 9.45. He sat bolt upright and said no effing way, he wasn;t having his day ruined!!!
well i of course was livid at that and called him a selfish pig slammed the bedroom door and went downstairs. Almost in tears in anger and frustration at this point. called my sister to see if she was free to have them, she was so getting them changed to go to her house and he stomps downstairs and asks where we're going. i told him and he flips and calls me stupid.
so now i'm at work silently seething and hes at home and is sulking as he now can;t lopunge around and watch cricket and play poker.
\i of course understand that its a bit of a bummer ot find that your day you had planned ot be quiet and do nothing has been changed but at the end of the day they are his children and it owuld have been ridiculoaus for me to take the day off work when he is home anyway.

oh and fwiw the children were ill before christmas and so didn;t have the final letters with term start date and i couldn;t access the website on my phone as it needed flash and i can;t get that on my iphone. I did try calling the school when i didn;t see anyone but no one usually answers until about 9.45 anyway so wasn;t surprised ot not have got an answer.

OP posts:
WannabeNigella · 04/01/2011 10:03

YANBU

I can understand him being a bit disappointed he wasn't going to get his planned lazy day, but tough shit! They're his children too!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 04/01/2011 10:05

I can't believe you phoned your sister! Talk about enabling him!

I would have pulled the covers off him and then gone to work! Why should your sister be bothered beause your DH thinks he's a free man!

iloveyankees · 04/01/2011 10:05

I'm sorry but I would have left the kids with him! why should your sister have them when your OH is capable of doing so? I wouldn't have even bothered to ring her.Yes I understand everyone would like quiet days away from the kids but shit happens and he should have dealt with it. They are his kids too at the end of the day

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/01/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinthesky · 04/01/2011 10:09

If I were your sister I would have told you to take a running jump.

minxofmancunia · 04/01/2011 10:09

YANBU although I can see both sides, not realising the school was shut is something I'm likely to do as I'm so bloody disorganised (not saying you are BTW).

HOWEVER I'm v protective of my own very rare time when I get it to myself and I've been known to have screaming rows with dh because he's arranged a bloody bike ride on the day it's my turn to have a lie in at 8.30am meaning I have to be up and on it when I should be in bed getting some rest ( I have really bad chronic insomnia so lie ins are v v precious to me!). My 2 are younger than your tho, require a lot more input. Don't see what his prob is with an 8 and 5 year old though, piece of piss compared to my 15m old.

YunoYurbubson · 04/01/2011 10:11

Absolutely baffled as to why you phoned your sister.

chippy47 · 04/01/2011 10:12

What a dick! Children often throw spanners in the works of 'plans'. I would trade work to look after the kids any day of the week. He should see it as a bonus.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 10:14

I am with others who are baffled as to why you phoned your sister.

I don't blame him for having a grumble, but christ why did you not just say 'tough shit' in cheery tones and leave his kids with him ffs.

There is NO way i would have sorted out alternative childcare.

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 10:15

They didn;t go to my sisters in the end they are at home with dh (although should be just H at thios moment in time!)
I rang her as from experience I thought that he might not get up and look after them and then I would be worried about them all day at work. I only work 10-3 so its not like he has to look after them all day.
I have posted previously about issues with him. He is very selfish and a few times I've plucked up the courage to leave him but always back down at the last minute despite plenty of encouragment and support both here and in real life.
I know I'm pathetic but I will do it for me and the children one day.
I am used ot no lie ins or time to myself, and get made ot feel guilty if i plan a night out with the girls and probably 8 out of 10 times i end up cancelling.
Time to take a deep breath and calm down this morning. I have an importnant client meeting after lunch and need to prepare but all I can think about is how selfish he is right now.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/01/2011 10:15

I cant believe you rang your sister either, you say they only need feeding and watering, and you work at home, so really utilising your sister is pointless, he should take care of them, but even if he didn't why wouldn't you?

LisaD1 · 04/01/2011 10:22

Sorry but another one here who cannot believe you called you sister!

I would have just gone to work and left HIS children at home.

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 10:23

I dont work at home, I work in an office about 15-20 mins from home.
If i dh had not been at home I would have taken the day off work and rang my client and explained that I am indeed a disorganised person who can;t organise her private life and forgot to check when the children were back at school. I have to say I had assumed the primary school was back as the secondary school was for which we had a letter as my eldest s was not off school with d&v for a week prior to the christmas holidays.
I rang my sister as I was in a bit of a blind panic and was worried about what work would say. Also my children love going to my sisters, shes child free and does fun things with them and takes them out. (she works in the evenings but i know shes off this week as she doesn;t return to work until next week, and yes i know that doesn;t mean she should have been called)

OP posts:
Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 10:24

sorry for all the spelling errors as well. Blush

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 04/01/2011 10:31

"I rang her as from experience I thought that he might not get up and look after them and then I would be worried about them all day at work"
So you have left him with them before, and he hasn't looked after them?
Is that really what you are saying?
And that is why you phoned your sister?
TBH if he has negelected them before when in sole charge for the day, i don't blame you for phoning your DS to look after them.
You shouldn't have to, but if you are worried about the care they recieve with him, i can see how difficult it is to leave them with him.

tulpe · 04/01/2011 10:32

YANBU.

Please take some time to work out what you really get from your marriage and if it is really worth it. Not seen your posts before but as you say you have been having issues with him for some time - pushing you to the brink of leaving. A friend of mine has this kind of relationship and it is devastating to watch her put up with this kind of shitty behaviour from her DH.

Yes, perhaps you should have been more organised but fwiw, I had to call a friend yesterday to confirm which day DS1 was going back (DS1 & 2 at different schools) :) .

rainbowinthesky · 04/01/2011 10:40

Surely your dh was equally responsible for knowing when they went back. As you say there are clearly far more issues at play here if your dc father cant/wont look after his own kids.

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 11:45

Last time this happened it was with our teenage son, well it was three weeks before his 13th birthday.
I hadn;t woken dh up as ds1 is perfectly capable of making himslef breakfast and sitting in front of the tv or xbox, but i did tink thet dh would get up once i left for work.
I rang at lunch time and ds1 said dh was still in bed. I then rang dh at about 2.30 to ask if he owuld pick up dd from the childminders and ds2 from school to whihc he told me he was still in bed and no i could get them on my way home. I had only rang to ask as i thought as he was home and i had the car i would pop to the supermnarket on the way home and do the weekly shop instea dof my usual rushed internet delivery shop.
I've been asked before if it spossible he is depressed but I would say no he's not and just quite selfish and lazy.
He is very reluctant to look after the children. i.e if he is home from work beofre me he won;t start the dinner or put a load of washing on.
Despite the fact that I earn as much as him, he seems to think that as he works 'full time', in that he leaves for work at 7.30 and usually home by 1 (although he still gets paid for a 40 hour week, basically he works until the day sheet is completed)that i should shoulder the housework and childcare.
Obviously this isn;t really about just this morning but the ongoing issues and they obviously need sorting one way or another. :(

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 04/01/2011 11:52

Oh, goodness, it gets worse!
What are you going to do?
Because he clearly isn't going to do a dam thing is he?
I would frankly stop doing anything, and i mean anything for him.
I wouldn't even buy him food, or cook it, or do his washing, or clean up after him.
I would even go as far as to not ask/expect him to do anything anymore aswell.
I couldn't even hide my conptempt for a man/partner who acted like this to me.
How utterly ridiculously selfish.
If he asks you why you haven't done this, that etc, ask him WHY do you think i should of done this etc when YOU don't even your fair share of a,b,c etc.

diddl · 04/01/2011 11:55

"I rang her as from experience I thought that he might not get up and look after them and then I would be worried about them all day at work."

Well, that says it all.

The only question is why are you with him?

ShowOfHands · 04/01/2011 11:55

You deserve so much better than this.

You say when you've plucked up the courage to leave, you always back down. Can you explain why this is?

diddl · 04/01/2011 11:56

"just quite selfish and lazy."

Quite?

Bloody hell, no wonder he gets away with it.

I´ve never heard of such selfish & repellant behaviour tbh.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 11:58

You poor thing.

What a wastrel he sounds.

If i were you I would not bother staying. It sounds horribly unfair. And lazy gits do not change, imo.

moondog · 04/01/2011 11:59

What a prize cock.
I can't beleive you put up with this shit.

madonnawhore · 04/01/2011 12:00

He's a prick. End of story.