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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call dh a selfish pig this morning?

74 replies

allluckedout · 04/01/2011 09:56

Sorry if this tunrs out to be a long one.
Yesterday we thought we were both due back at work today and all three dc back to school.
Last night dh gets a text from his boss to say no work today so he could have the day off, at that point we both jokingly said about peace and quiet today, me at work in the office no children and him at home no children.
cut to this morning, we all, except dh who is still in bed, get up at 6.45 have breakfast get dressed, ds1 goes off to his senior school at 8 when his friends knock for him. Me and ds2 and dd leave for school at 8.35 thinking its a bit quiet but we don;t tend to see many people until we get closer to school. anyway turns out school is closed today both the juniors and foundation. Never mind i think dh is at home he can look after them. they are 8 and 4 so pretty much look after them selves in terms of entertainment, i am talking about making sure he feeds and waters them and thast it.
get home, i go upstairs and gently wake him (9.a.m by this point) and tell him the little ones are at home today but i have to go to work for 10 as usual so will wake him at 9.45. He sat bolt upright and said no effing way, he wasn;t having his day ruined!!!
well i of course was livid at that and called him a selfish pig slammed the bedroom door and went downstairs. Almost in tears in anger and frustration at this point. called my sister to see if she was free to have them, she was so getting them changed to go to her house and he stomps downstairs and asks where we're going. i told him and he flips and calls me stupid.
so now i'm at work silently seething and hes at home and is sulking as he now can;t lopunge around and watch cricket and play poker.
\i of course understand that its a bit of a bummer ot find that your day you had planned ot be quiet and do nothing has been changed but at the end of the day they are his children and it owuld have been ridiculoaus for me to take the day off work when he is home anyway.

oh and fwiw the children were ill before christmas and so didn;t have the final letters with term start date and i couldn;t access the website on my phone as it needed flash and i can;t get that on my iphone. I did try calling the school when i didn;t see anyone but no one usually answers until about 9.45 anyway so wasn;t surprised ot not have got an answer.

OP posts:

PrincessScrumpy · 04/01/2011 19:05

YANBU - my dh would have been delighted to get extra time with dd as he works long hours. If he wasn't "delighted" I would have been far less polite than you!

COCKadoodledooo · 04/01/2011 19:10

He sounds like a selfish bastard, and tbh (sorry ) you sound like a bit of a wet lettuce for letting him get away with it. Why tf did you phone your sister?! Their his kids too (presumably?) so if you've to wrk and he has the day off, why on earth would your sister have to have them?

If I was the sister in question and knew the situation, I suspect my answer would have ended in "off".

COCKadoodledooo · 04/01/2011 19:11

Gah! They're

Laquitar · 04/01/2011 19:17

Calm down people

She knows she was right and he was wrong. She came here to ask our opinions and to rant. No need to call her a 'wet lettuce' etc

earwicga · 04/01/2011 19:23

allluckedout- YANBU. And you are not pathetic. And please don't listen to everyone telling you off on here. Also, don't feel pressurised into leaving or ending things - life isn't the life of reiley as a single parent either. You did the responsible thing phoning your sister when the alternative was a four old being looked after by an eight year old, albeit with an sleeping adult in the house. Fwiw, I'm not the nicest person in the morning, and he obviously didn't mean that he wasn't getting up as he did in the end. I hope he apologised to you.

LadyBubbaAndBump · 04/01/2011 19:29

fwiw I'm not advocating OP leaving her DH, but I didn't want her to feel that she was getting a 'telling off' from MNers, and that some people's way of offering support sounds like a telling off.

She seems aware of his unfair attitude though, and hopefully has the strength to talk to him about it properly so he changes his ways. You're right though earwicga he may not be a 'morning person'! (although a previous post suggests this isn't massively out of the ordinary for him...

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 04/01/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notmyproblem · 04/01/2011 21:20

Please get some counselling for yourself, if only to realise that you are a real person, deserving of respect, deserving of a real partner and not someone who treats you like shit, and that you shouldn't be the one who is always doing everything and allowing yourself to be manipulated by a bully.

You need to gain some self-confidence and self-respect, and learn how to not feel guilty over things that you have no reason to feel guilty about.

And yes, have you thought about how your DCs, the teenage one especially, are seeing and processing your relationship? You run the risk of turning your DS into your DP, just as he's become what his father before him was.

Please stop the cycle of doormat mother and controlling father, if only for the sake of your DCs.

notmyproblem · 04/01/2011 21:26

Fwiw your fears are understandable (fear of never finding another partner again, fear of ending up alone) but you need to find the strength to realise that they are irrational. At the moment you probably WON'T find someone else to love and respect you because you don't love and respect yourself. But you can work through that, gain strength, and either fix this relationship or give up on it and move on. And if you become that strong, secure person, you very likely WILL find another person to share it with if that's what you want.

But in the meantime, you need to do what's right for YOU to become a happy person. If that involves your DP, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Yes, the shit you know is less scary on paper than the shit you don't, but all the great stuff you don't know is out there too, passing you by, while you stay with this twat.

You can do it OP, you said you were nearly there before. You can get there again! Please find someone to talk this through with and make a plan for yourself to take back some control and regain some freedom and happiness in your life. You sound quite unhappy right now and that's not good.

HaveAHappyNewJung · 05/01/2011 09:04

WRT the going out yourself issue, I totally understand why you don't want to leave in the morning if he'll just sleep all day.

Instead can you wait until he's up on his day off, he's all dressed etc and then say right, I'm off out, byeeeee and leave them to it? What do you think would happen?

ccpccp · 05/01/2011 10:23

Oh come on OP!

You messed up on the schooling arrangements, so you really cant be surprised that he responded the way he did after being woken with such lovely news.

Maybe he had plans he was looking forward to?

Then before he could collect his thoughts and consider his earlier actions, you'd stormed off in a huff and arranged for your sister to look after the kids. He flipped and called you stupid because he was going to look after the kids - he just wasnt happy about it. You didnt give him any time to make amends for the earlier snap before you had forced his hand and painted him in a bad light to your side of the family. Which suits you very well as it deflects attention from your mistake.

YANBU. Leave the bastard. etc. etc.

PeachesandStrawberry · 05/01/2011 10:39

Eh.

We all make mistakes Ccpccp. They are his kids as well so surely he should know about their school hols as well.

He still had no right to call her stupid and if you'd read the rest of the thread would you see that there is more to this.

Still I'm glad you're perfect.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/01/2011 10:45

Ccpccp, I don't think it was just the OP that messed up the schooling arrangements; she said that her children were off school ill for the last week of term hence she didn't get the letters about when the start of term would be. Why is it solely the OP's responsiblity to find out this information? Isn't her DH responsible to find it out too?

spikeycow · 05/01/2011 10:48

YANBU and also she might have phoned her sister because she didn't want the kids to feel bad about his stinking mood? It isn't all about enabling, I wouldn't feel good about leaving my children under those circumstances

TandB · 05/01/2011 10:48

Gobsmacked by Ccp's response. This is a man who refuses, even if he later goes back on it, to look after his own children to the extent that his wife was already making back-up plans to lie to her work and miss a day. This is a man who, when asked to collect his children from the childminders when his wife was at work, refused to get out of bed to do it.

Nasty, unreasonable OP for not hanging around waiting to see if he would change his mind and get his lazy backside out of bed to care for his own children, or run true to form by staying in bed and letting them fend for themselves. She clearly deserved to be called stupid.

ccpccp · 05/01/2011 11:17

OP was responsible for getting the kids to school because she accepted that responsibility on the day.

There were a lot of reasons why she didnt get the information, but most other people didnt make the same mistake.

DH shouldnt have snapped, but he'd just been woken up to the news that he was looking after the kids, rather than whatever he already had planned for his day of annual leave.

What OP should have done is realise that she was the bearer of bad news, and though DH reaction was wrong, he had a right to be angry and should have been cut a little slack. Instead she got the huff at being snapped at and called her sister to look after the kids, without telling DH this was what she was doing. She basically said 'fcuk you then'.

Now he looks like a cnut in front of her family, when all he really deserved was a slap on the wrist for snapping when he'd just woken up.

TandB · 05/01/2011 11:19

Have you read the whole thread Ccp? He has quite a bit of form for this sort of thing...

ccpccp · 05/01/2011 11:40

I got a couple of pages then stopped TBH.

No doubt tomorrow when both OP and DH have calmed down, the 'form' will read much less like a reason to divorce.

I'm not saying hes a great husband. I just think OP is being a bit delusional of her responsibility in todays argument.

TandB · 05/01/2011 11:41

You might want to read the post about refusing to get out of bed and go to the childminder before making your mind up that the OP is unreasonable...

prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/01/2011 11:56

ccpccp, I really don't blame the OP for saying "Fuck you then", if that's what she meant when she called her sister. I think that she was just trying to make sure that her children would have adequate care whilst she was at work; her husband had made it obvious by his actions this morning and in the past, that he wouldn't be getting out of bed to care for them.

Althought the OP was responsible for taking the kids to school today, she and her husband have had all holiday to find out the day the schools go back, so although perhaps she could have found out during the past few weeks, equally so could her husband.

TheBolter · 05/01/2011 12:23

Actually I think ccpccp has a point. I am fiercely protective of my precious work and child-free days off! I'd be even more so if I was ft. I'm not surprised her dh was fucked off AT THAT MOMENT and it did seem to be the op's mix up that caused his frustration and disappointment.

Before anyone jumps on me though, I will say that I think it was handled immaturely all round, particularly by the dh, although like ccp I do think the OP has painted herself as a little whiter than white here. I think by getting straight on the phone to her dsis she was either being the doormat she's portraying or over reacting in a ner ner ne ner ner way.

I do think the dh's actions on his mammoth lie in day off were pretty reprehensible, not to mention pathetically irresponsible.

Is there more to this? Sounds like you are all under a lot of pressure. Hope you can find a way to resolve it.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/01/2011 12:30

I do feel though, TheBolter, that it wasn't just the OP's mix up. Okay, so she thought her kids went back to school today, but they are his children too, so surely he could have made enquiries too during the holidays to find out when they went back?

TheBolter · 05/01/2011 12:48

True, theoretically it shouldn't be the op's mix up. But perhaps in her house she is the one who's more 'on the ball' when it comes to such things. It sure as hell is in my house . Not that I'm excusing the op's dh - I just guess that in many houses there are certain areas of responsibility that are delegated to each other... I for example wouldn't have a clue when we're running out of firewood or when the gutters need clearing. My dh wouldn't have a clue when the children go back to school!

Obviously there are some families out there that are fantastically involved in all areas of household responsibility. Good for them! Dh and I however haven't got the head space for that which is why there's a fairly even division between such tasks.

monkeyflippers · 05/01/2011 14:31

I feel so sad for you that you DP is so selfish and lazy!

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