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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call dh a selfish pig this morning?

74 replies

allluckedout · 04/01/2011 09:56

Sorry if this tunrs out to be a long one.
Yesterday we thought we were both due back at work today and all three dc back to school.
Last night dh gets a text from his boss to say no work today so he could have the day off, at that point we both jokingly said about peace and quiet today, me at work in the office no children and him at home no children.
cut to this morning, we all, except dh who is still in bed, get up at 6.45 have breakfast get dressed, ds1 goes off to his senior school at 8 when his friends knock for him. Me and ds2 and dd leave for school at 8.35 thinking its a bit quiet but we don;t tend to see many people until we get closer to school. anyway turns out school is closed today both the juniors and foundation. Never mind i think dh is at home he can look after them. they are 8 and 4 so pretty much look after them selves in terms of entertainment, i am talking about making sure he feeds and waters them and thast it.
get home, i go upstairs and gently wake him (9.a.m by this point) and tell him the little ones are at home today but i have to go to work for 10 as usual so will wake him at 9.45. He sat bolt upright and said no effing way, he wasn;t having his day ruined!!!
well i of course was livid at that and called him a selfish pig slammed the bedroom door and went downstairs. Almost in tears in anger and frustration at this point. called my sister to see if she was free to have them, she was so getting them changed to go to her house and he stomps downstairs and asks where we're going. i told him and he flips and calls me stupid.
so now i'm at work silently seething and hes at home and is sulking as he now can;t lopunge around and watch cricket and play poker.
\i of course understand that its a bit of a bummer ot find that your day you had planned ot be quiet and do nothing has been changed but at the end of the day they are his children and it owuld have been ridiculoaus for me to take the day off work when he is home anyway.

oh and fwiw the children were ill before christmas and so didn;t have the final letters with term start date and i couldn;t access the website on my phone as it needed flash and i can;t get that on my iphone. I did try calling the school when i didn;t see anyone but no one usually answers until about 9.45 anyway so wasn;t surprised ot not have got an answer.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 04/01/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarPlayer · 04/01/2011 12:14

I think you should have put this in chat.

It's obvious you just wanted a rant - for which I don't blame you!

Your DH is a waste of space, but from your previous comments - you already know this. You also know that you were perfectly reasonable to leave the kids with your hubby.

You don't want to leave him because it's better the shyt you know than the shyt you don't.

So

rant away. Please don't ask if your are being unreasonable - because you know you're notGrin

Laquitar · 04/01/2011 12:15

YANBU.

Your sister shouldn't help when your dh is available.

Ephiny · 04/01/2011 12:24

Of course you're not being unreasonable to expect your husband to look after his own children! I can understand him being disappointed not to get his day off, but that's how life is sometimes. If it had been you with the day of work, presumably he would have expected you to just get on with it? You wouldn't have had the option of just refusing to look after them because you didn't feel like it?

And he called you stupid? For what - making other arrangements for childcare after he'd flatly refused to do it? Seems sensible to me. For not knowing the school was closed? He didn't know either, did he?

Not acceptable, he needs to grow up and be a proper responsible husband and father even if it means him sometimes having to get out of bed earlier than he wants to.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 04/01/2011 12:33

One word. TWAT.

ChippingIn · 04/01/2011 12:43

Jesus wept - I don't even know where to start.

Why have you changed your mind about leaving him in the past?

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 13:06

I think as starplayer says better the crap i know than the crap I don;t know?
I could go into how its potentially how he raised and the examples he was set. His dad is a complete and utter twat, expects his mum to do everything even when dh and his sister were little and they both worked full time, it was her that did everything.
I always said to dh that if he started behaving like his dad that i would divorce him, and now he has but not as bad yet.
I do stnad up to him often and tell him exactly what i expect, he will then be ok for a few days but slowly revert back to type.
Sometimes i think I haven;t left becasue my confidence is low and I worry about not finsign someone else. I do know being in a relationship is not the be all and end all, but it is quite important to me. I've been with him half my life as well, we met when i was 17 and I'm 34 now.
I worry about money too, we don't exctly have a lot ot live on now, just over £400 a week including tax credits and family allowance, so worry about how i would surviv e on the £160 a week i earn.
I know there are benefits etc in place to help and have fully investiageted all of that previoulsy.
Maybe this year should be the year to change it all?

OP posts:
Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 13:07

bloody iphone and tiny screen!! more spelling errors sorry. (can;t use work pc for mn'ing)

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 04/01/2011 13:17

How he was raised has nothing to do with it. As a grown man he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. It's possible for people to survive war atrocities, rape, abuse, being orphaned, etc, and not grow up to be selfish and abusive adults.

What the hell kind of father just stays in bed until 2.30pm while his kids are on their own downstairs?!

It sounds like a miserable existence for you. Maybe this year is your year for making a clean break and ditching the dead weight?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2011 13:25

OP, yousay that your H's behaviour could stem from how he saw his parents behave to each other. Do you not worry that your children are seeing the same thing and will end up the same?

LadyBubbaAndBump · 04/01/2011 13:34

Are they not his kids?

LeQueen · 04/01/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 13:41

Valid points allround. I am off to CAB tomorrow for some housing advice as we have been given notice to leave at end of tenancy agreement and seriously cannot find anywhere else to rent. There literally is not another house in our price range on the rental market. we have until 2nd February to move.

LBAB- yes they are all his children. Would probably be easier to leave if they weren't.

A huge issue for him is me working, he used to earn enough money to pay all the bills and the rent and an annual holiday, but no longer does hence me returning to work when dd started school in September. He was shocked that i got a job that earnt just £60 a week less than him for almost half the hours.

This ahs seriouly gone off subject now and tunred itno me slagging him off. sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 13:43

If my sister couldnt have done it i would probably have rung work and said that i had made an error with the children return to school dates and would be back in tomorrow, without mentioning dh was at home.
My sister still lives at home so effectivley if my mum was at home she would have been looking after them too.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 04/01/2011 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaceyBee · 04/01/2011 14:21

Slag away mate, we'll listen. Smile

madonnawhore · 04/01/2011 14:27

"If my sister couldnt have done it i would probably have rung work and said that i had made an error with the children return to school dates and would be back in tomorrow, without mentioning dh was at home."

That is totally nuts. You can see that, right?

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 14:29

yep i know all of this and deserve the telling off.
In my defence, it has only become this way in the last 3-4 years, prior to this everything was fine, We both had good jobs, I worked full time as a staff sister in the NHS and he worked in IT (he still works in IT but in a lesser capacity now).

I know lack of money effects (affects?) people in different ways but it has become unacceptable and I WILL do soemthing about it this year.

We do have a good and very active sex life but yes i do know thast no reason to stya when the rest of the relationship is dead.

OP posts:
StarPlayer · 04/01/2011 17:26

Well......... as long as the sex is good hehGrin

Original poster
allluckedout · 04/01/2011 17:33

lol i realise now that was a totally invalid point to make!

Got home at 3.30 and the children actually asked me to go back to work. As they were having fun with daddy. OH well it all worked out for today in the end.

OP posts:
coppertop · 04/01/2011 17:40

I'm guessing the reason he called you stupid was because he was worried that you might have told your sister that he was a selfish arse who wasn't going to look after his own children. Is he by any chance Mr Wonderful to everyone else and doesn't want his precious reputation to slip?

compo · 04/01/2011 17:47

If he was at home he should have been up and taking kids to school
he sounds very lazy

ChippingIn · 04/01/2011 17:50

Allluckedout - do you feel this relationship could ever get to a point where you would be happy with it again?

HaveAHappyNewJung · 04/01/2011 17:57

Ok so what are his good points?!?

LadyBubbaAndBump · 04/01/2011 18:55

You know the 'telling off's you're getting from people on here are only because they can see you're in a crappy situation where things aren't fab but they aren't appalling enough to be able to leave decisively. They/We want you to be happy and have a life you deserve, and that doesn't inlcude putting up with the father of your children acting like a kid who's been grounded when he needs to look after his kids.