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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I deal with overbearing Pil?

9 replies

sweetsugar · 03/01/2011 21:10

I generally get on with Pil,but they can be very overbearing,they ring everyday and are always in my space,dont get me wrong they help out but sometimes its just to much for me for example.

Fil tries to tell me how to bring my ds up and comes out with comments that questions my parenting skills.

They have asked to borrow money,they brought brochures to hint they want to come on holiday with us,they wanted us to live with them,its so overbearing it really gets me down.

I feel guilty as my parents just dont make any effort at all,I have learnt to except this as time has gone by,I do try to involve them but find it to much,I think this comes across as I dont answer the phone as I know its them.

Sil and I dont like each other,its a valid reason but thats another story,she questions Mil about everything to do with out dc's and then comments on it then Mil tells me.

I just asking wwud?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetsugar · 03/01/2011 21:15

Bump anyone please.

OP posts:

wayoftheworld · 03/01/2011 21:18

Wellcome to the network or mother with PIL's problems. The solution is very much phylosophical and not at all practical to individual needs...Bottom line ( as I have mentioned before) try to negotiate nicely for as long as you can bear it, once you step on it it will stick with you for the rest of your life (which is where I am at the moment and is not good at all!!)

Keep them worm, you will need them as well at times. But be firm on few boundaries the most important one of respecting you and your marriage- that you should never negotiate.

allnightlong · 03/01/2011 21:20

You need to stop being so available and re-draw the boundaries.
Don't answer the phone to them everyday if they turn up unannounced say your just off out, put your coat on get kids dressed and make it clear they aren't welcome to come with you as your off to a friends. You'll only have to do this 2 or 3 times and they will soon get the message.

Be very firm and to the point with FIL 'We do it this way' don't apologise or offer a reason for why he doesn't need to know, all he needs to know is thats how you do it.
If he continues being blunt 'your being rude, if you continue to upset me I no longer want you in my home visiting with the children'

When your MIL pipes up about SIL simple 'I don't wish to discuss her' If she continues ask her to leave.

They are walking all over you because you let them, I bet just standing up to them a little will make them take a step back and realise that if they want to have contact they need to be polite and pleasant because you aren't taking their bullshit anymore.

Original poster

sweetsugar · 03/01/2011 21:35

Thanks Wayoftheworld and Allnightlong I appreciate your sound advice.

OP posts:

allnightlong · 03/01/2011 21:39

Good luck sweet it's easy giving advice but it's the actual doing thats hard. I used to be wimpy about confrontation until I had kids and realised ever man, dog and local drunk will offer opinions o your parenting until you stand up and say (sometimes literally) SHUT UP.

Booandpops · 03/01/2011 22:43

I make sure my pil see the dc as often as practical to keep them sweet, tgey fet to babysit etc but I put my foot down at turning up unannounced ie oh we are just off to friends- playgroup etc. I don't answer phone every time. Get a caller display phone if not already have one! If they tend to ring at a regular time. Leave it off the hook. It took a while but now pil have accepted they see dc's on our schedule or not at all that have kept back more and dh and I get on much better for it! Good luck

blackeyedsusan · 04/01/2011 01:18

Hmm, I just ignore all the offers to go on holiday with pils. (There may be words said that would not be pleasant if I had to spend more than a couple of hours with them.)

we were also asked recently whether we would go and stay with pils instead of my parents. we have given up staying with mine as it is so much extra work to stay when it is only 1 1/2 hours drive, so I dismissed that with a that would be too much work and impractical.

I think what I am trying to say(whilst waffling on) is think about reasons why you can't do something, if they ask say you'll consider it, then turn them down politely with a I am sorry it is just not possible.

agree with telling fil thathtis is how you have both decided to do it in your house.

Original poster

sweetsugar · 04/01/2011 10:09

Thanks everyone for all your input good old mn.

OP posts:

rodformyownback · 04/01/2011 10:32

You haven't said where DH fits into all this. Is he willing to stand up to his parents or does he allow himself to come across as agreeing with them just to keep the peace, leaving you to look like the bad guy? If the questioning of your parenting skills is incessant IMO he should be the one to set them straight as they are his parents.

Also would it be possible for him to say something to your MIL along the lines of "Mum, please could you not tell DW what SIL thinks of our parenting? You know things are not good between them and you passing on SIL's comments just makes it worse"

I agree with wayoftheworld though, it is totally worth keeping them sweet. Tread very carefully. They are your DH's parents, your DCs grandparents and you need them in your life.

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