to refuse to tell dh about my clients?

[santander]

I'm a counsellor and I'm just setting up privately. I was going to use the nice little bedsit that we own as my rooms, but we have since rented it out. My ad campaign has been more successful than I thought it would be and I have 3 clients that are starting this week. Dh and I discussed it and we aggreed that the clients could come to our home for the time being until I find premises. We have a largish house and I have worked out where to see clients so they will be comfortable and private.

I have chatted with the clients on the phone to ascertain their suitability for counselling and also for coming to my home, as much as one can do in a telephone conversation - I have a reasonable amount of experience in filtering out people that should be referred elsewhere but of course you can never be sure until you know more about the person.

Anyway, my dh is now insisting on knowing who is coming to our house and what they 'are coming for'.

I have point blank refused to agree to give this information to him. It is in breach of the code of ethics I work by. He says our safety is more important than anything else. I say that he should not be questioning my judgement and the screening of the individuals should be my responsibility. He says that we are in this together. I say that yes, we are, but I am the trained professional and I will not put our safety at risk. He says what if I famcy a challenge of a difficult client and decide to take them on regardless? I say he is QUESTIONING MY JUDGEMENT and I am insulted to be honest. I am taking it personally but lets face it, it's personal, right? But I still am not prepared to compromise my integrity by giving him information that would be no more useful to him than it had been to me, if you get my meaning? I mean, if I (the trained professional) had not spotted the hidden axe murderer in the 10 min phone conversation with them, then how pompous to assume that he could? It is simply unnecessary and immorral and I won't do it. Of course it had now become a matter of personal affront, I feel he has given me a vote of no confidence - I have a supervisorm whom I employ to help me with my caseload. This should be enough I think.

So, rant over, am I being unreasonable?

Is something else going on underneath this, perchance?

First let me say that if I found out you were doing this (telling your husband - or anybody) about me without my knowledge, I would report you. And that I would reject a counsellor who was so not in charge of her own life, she had to tell her husband all about her clients.

I wonder if H is secretly opposed to your being self-employed? How come the bedsit was let all of a sudden?

How about turning it on its head a bit. Can you and your DH agree a list of clients who you would not take on? For e.g. I once knew someone in a similar situation working from her home and she agreed with her family that for the safety of her daughter she would decline business from someone who she suspected might be a paedophile. It wasn't quite that blunt but along those lines.

Your dh is being unreasonable. You are not allowed to share that with anyone with the clients permission.

*without

Strangers with ishoos.

Yes. Because they are responding to an advert rather than being referred.

That is what would be the problem for me. Not MH, hell I've had PND and counselling for that, but the fact that you have no real idea who these people are.

Confidentially must come first. If he is not comfortable with you seeing patients/clients in your home, then you must seek other premises to see them. As simple as. If you refuse to share their details, would your DH simply look through their information in your files without your knowledge? If this is a possibility, then you owe it to your clients to either lock up the information or use different premises.

Personally, I can see his point if it's simply that he is uncomfortable with clients coming into the home. I would be as well, if my DH was doing that. But I wouldn't demand details on the patients/clients - I would simply request that he see them elsewhere. Knowing their details is not going to change the scenario, tbh.

YANBU. He has no need to know those facts, as presumably he would then use them to try and decide which clients he would "allow" to come to the house.

HOwever - I agree with one aspect of his concern - it's a bit dicey having unknowns come to your house. I was a therapist in England and only worked from home after working in a clinic, so I already knew all my clients. I never had a new client come to my house, nor would I, for personal safety reasons. My counsellor also only had clients she knew at her house.

Is there no way you can rent a room in a clinic? Obviously you would lose money on the deal, in that you would either have to pay a percentage for every client you saw or pay room rental (I'd go for the first option if you're just setting up) BUT you would have the security of being in a more public environment.

It is, after all, his home as well - but the answer does NOT lie in him knowing more about your clients, but in you moving where you see them, IMO.

lots of people wanting counselling respond to adverts. It's hard enough trying to get counselling for MH issue or bereavement of the likes via the NHS. Unless you've got long term ongoing "ishoos" you don't stand a cat in hells chance of getting a referral so many people with perfectly "safe" ishoos go through the yellow pages to find someone privately.

hell at least if you're doing therapy/counselling you know there's a chance of some with really serious ishoos coming to see you so you're at least mentally prepared for the possibility.

I don't suppose many other professions who work from home/go to peoples houses to do their job have mind that they could be having an axe murdered come to their house to have their hair cut.

My first thought is did he change his mind? As a pp said who decided to rent the bedsit? What did he say when you originally discussed setting up your practice?

I think if you've discussed it all properly and he's only now raising objections he is vvvvu. If you haven't discussed in advance it then yabu.

What kind of counselling do you do? Can you agree the kind of cases you will take and then agree he'll stay out of it if you stick to the rules?

And this knowing where you live business - do you need to say it's your home to clients? And if a nutter wanted to hurt you or your family they could easily follow you home. Perhaps you should never go out either?

KatieM - it's not that simple. Some counselling clients become very needy. They then do things like "just walking past your door" and thought they'd just ring the bell and see if you're there. Or waiting outside until you leave the house so they can "just bump into you".

They're not common, but they exist. It is, IMO, wiser not to work from home if you can avoid it.

I can see both sides of this and I think you are putting yourself in a dangerous position if you know nothing about these people and they are not coming via referral. I think your husband has every right to express concern for your safety and concern that strangers who potentially may be suffering from some degree of imbalance are coming to your home.

If a client "loses" it, what back-up do you have at home? If a client starts behaving inappropriately and knows where you live, what will you tell the police?

Sorry, I think your husband has dealt with his concerns inappropriately but that they are valid and that you should be looking to hold these sessions on neutral territory both for your sake and the sake of your clients.

I've read most of the posts and I have to say I agree with blinder, I am looking into seeing a counsellor and if s/he discussed any of my information (including my name) I'd be livid. It's called confidentiality for a reason.

I don't know how seriously they take confidentiality here in the UK but in the states if you were to give out any information you would be investigated by the Board of Insurance (which looks bad even if they don't find that HIPAA has been violated) and lose your license.

OP your husband is being ExtremelyUR, perhaps he should have thought about all this before he agreed to have you see people in your home.

He is being unreasonable. Very!

I'm guessing you're not actually a clinical psychologist - and therefore, by the nature of the beast should not be dealing with "Britain's Most Dangerous"? Tell him that, you can't prescribe medication, you don't work as part of a psychiatric team, you're dealing with "worry" as opposed to "sickness".

Did your advert mention you are working from home?

I think your husband is right to be concerned. Though he might have gone about it the wrong way.

You are upset that he does not trust your judgement and professionalism. But things you say, such as just setting out, having a supervisor, not being accredited (yet), makes me think you are a novice and just starting out. Professionalism and judgement comes from years of experience, and you don't say that you have that. I reckon your husband knows a lot more about your judgement and your qualifications, and your work history as a counsellor than any of us.

And to be honest, placing an ad, before you even have sorted out where you work from, so presumable no insurances in place, having spoken to potential clients over the phone to judge suitability rather than them being referred to you, does sound a bit flaky!

I am not sure I would go for counselling to somebody who seem so "not together with it".

So, Yabu.

Obviously you shouldn't even consider giving him the details of your clients.

But I can see a concern over a string of clients coming to the house and knowing your address and home contact details. It starts to blur the lines between professional and personal (I am thinking in particular of the neediness that thumbwitch refers to, but I can imagine other issues) and I might well be uncomfortable if DH wanted to do similar in our house.

BUT but, if (as it sounds) he is happy with the principle of clients (in general) coming to the house but just wants to personally vet them all then he is being very unreasonable.

I too can see both sides of this, especially the one about your professional judgement etc. But for me, I think you should seek other premises immediately. I'm sorry but your husband does have every right to say no to you having complete strangers who indeed may have the admittedly tiniest chance of being a danger to you all, in the house where your children are. If this were reversed and my husband wanted to do this I would say no, absolutely no, non negotiable. If you want to be professional then get professional premises, sorry.

Quint - having a supervisor is no measure of experience. All good counsellors will continue to have a supervisor through their professional life - it's their own "safety valve" to ensure that they don't get too involved in other people's problems and that if they start to, they can work through the reasons why away from the client setting.

I can't answer for the rest but I do know that. My own counsellor, who had been in the job for about 20 years, still saw her supervisor regularly.

If you want to be a member of a professional body like bacp then you should have one hours supervision a month. Counsellors who dont are not working ethically.

I was just thinking that it was quite odd to see clients at home, then I realised that I actually saw a therapist for two years at her own house.
And it never once occurred to me to stalk her or axe murder her into tiny bits. I really let myself, and every cliched Hollywood film, down!

Santander, can you not give your OH a very vague description, as in 'my next client is here with issues with self esteem' rather than 'my next client is depressed and has been self-harming for five years' sort of thing? That way you can reassure DH that your clients' issues aren't going to harm your family while keeping client confidentiality? Or am I being naive?

YABU. I agree with allnightlong. You don't have to give him all the details but just let him know who is coming.
I think your DH right you need to put your families safty first.

No no no. She cannot betray the identities / presenting problem of her clients without their permission.

I can see his point. These people are coming into his house and know where he and his family live.

What is it with the women here who don't understand about confidentiality???

She cannot give him so much as a name it is ILLEGAL, she could lose her license!!

Why do people think those who need counselling are more likely to be dangerous, axe murderers or a nuisance than any other people in society? Childminders have clients in their own home, would people be as concerned if the OP was a childminder, as the parents of the DC she looked after would also know where she lives? Heck, some of those parents might even need/be having counselling!

People need counselling for many reasons such as bereavement, relationship breakdown, abuse, childhood problems. I am not sure all of those things automatically predispose someone to being an axe murderer.