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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to visit PIL anymore because their house is absolutely disgusting

55 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 03/01/2011 19:49

I probably am. Im generally a huge advocate of the "you visit someone to see them, not their house".

I generally dont see mess in people's homes but the absolute filth of PIL's house is really beginning to drive me insane - to a point that, despite enjoying their company I dont really want to visit anymore. I like bringing dc over to see their grandparents and feel like its a really ridiculous/ sad reason to want to limit our trips.

Please dont get me wrong, our house is like a bomb site most days. 90% of the time its covered in mess - toys and clothes everywhere. Its quite untidy in general really but its clean. Counters and floors and toilets and the likes are cleaned and washed daily etc. Sheets are changed regulary. The usual.

Pil's house is disgusting. DH has often commented on it and their own personal hygiene saying he hopes that one day they will start to take a small bit of pride in it/ themselves.

They both smell - in particular DH's dad, whos a very large man who sweats alot. He stinks of arse mixed with BO most of the time and does not change his clothes. The couch in their house smells of him basically. When I go to the loo in theirs, I have to hold my breath before entering, do my business as quick as possible (wouldnt dare to actually sit on the seat) flush toilet with tissue covering my hand as not to touch handle and run out before I loose consciousness. Its brown its so discoloured and 9/10 times will have a lovely large floater left in it.

The hall stinks of sweat and BO and dirty sheets from upstairs. I dont think the windows are ever opened and I know the sheets are changed once every couple of months as their was a joke over this and visitors coming over before.

I have to change DC's clothes when they come home as if DS manages to get on the floor he is covered in dirt from head to toe (crawling). I have to keep wiping their hands with baby wipes during visits. They just feel dirty after visiting. I never, ever eat there and we turn down dinner invitations because of this.

These arent 90 year old frail grand parents by the way, they are 46 and 49.

Oh I probably am. I just really hate going there now. Theres nothing that can be done, is there?

OP posts:
curlymama · 03/01/2011 19:51

No, you will probably just have to put up with it. But you have my sympathy. They sound distusting.

Punkatheart · 03/01/2011 19:54

I feel ill just reading that. So no, YANBU.

Could they be depressed? I think it needs your OH to talk to them - they sound as if life is getting the better of them. If it is pure laziness - then this is trickier...

StayFrosty · 03/01/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catinthehat2 · 03/01/2011 20:00

revolting.
YANBU

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/01/2011 20:02

YANBU

It is very hard but I don't blame you at all.

ilovemyhens · 03/01/2011 20:08

I can't understand people who don't clean. It's difficult at times when you have kids/pets, but people who live by themselves have no excuses unless they're chronically ill in some way - either physical or mental.

It's just laziness imo and sounds absolutely disgusting. My house is a bit untidy at times, but even when I'm ill or tired, I still manage to keep the place hygienic and we have two dcs and some pets.

ENormaSnob · 03/01/2011 20:12

Yanbu

I wouldn't visit tbh

ENormaSnob · 03/01/2011 20:14

Yanbu

I wouldn't visit tbh

atswimtwolengths · 03/01/2011 20:15

Christ alive, that's disgusting. I thought you were going to say they were 90+ and losing their marbles, but 46 and 49!!!

Are there mental health issues with either of them? Do they work?

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 03/01/2011 20:16

Oh thanks all - I really expected to be told off.

No, Im pretty sure they arent depressed. Actually they are very happy, simplistic people that let very little bother them. They are very lazy. So lazy in fact that if we dont visit I know they wont visit us and it seems such a shame for DC who adore them and vice versa.

OP posts:
mixedraceparents · 03/01/2011 20:18

I have four kids and spend about 1-2 hours cleaning a day and it's still not clean Sad. But I still wake up and do the work because the alternative is just so much worse......

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 03/01/2011 20:18

atswimtwolengths no, absolutely no health issues thankfully. MIL works part time and FIL is a builder but construction work is obviously slow at the minute so hes doing bits and pieces here and there.

They love telly to be honest, I think they spend crazy amounts watching it and that could be some of the problem

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 03/01/2011 20:20

YDNBU OP, i feel your frustration.
I have an older realitve like this, they are frankly disgusting.
I had them as a house guest not long ago as they needed some extensive work done on their house.
They also used to leave big floaters in the downstairs toilet, and the seats up, they wouldn't rinse the bath of their many pubic hairs stuck on the side, and used to leave piles of nail clippings on my kitchen work tops!
Worst of all, when i finally cracked and had enough and asked them to not do these vile things, they told me i was the rude one!
So even though you may want to say something, they probably don't see that anything is wrong, and will take offence to any suggestion of help, etc, no matter how delicatley you put it.

DurhamDurham · 03/01/2011 20:21

Some people just chooe to live like this. When I visit people at home as part of my job I can never decide whether they know it's disgusting and don't care or if they cease to notice after a while. A house has to be especially bad for me to notice at all now but your in-laws does sound horrible.

There's nothing you can do though, except invite them to your house and open the windows when they have gone.

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2011 20:21

Well, you have just put me off my dinner so YANBU.

mrsmindcontrol · 03/01/2011 20:24

YANBU.
My parents house is pretty grim. Using the bathroom makes me . Vile. There are certain areas of their house which I know for sure have not been cleaned since I offered to do it for them 3 years ago.

God knows why they don't clean but I genuinely think they don't see or smell the filth anymore.

I put up with it as they are my parents and I probably wouldn't see them if I didnt go round there but it makes my skin itch when I think about what my 3 DCs might be picking up there.

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 03/01/2011 20:30

OTTMUMA that is absolutely disgusting. My parents in law are like this too though - you cannot tell them they are wrong at all. They wont/ cant/ dont accept it. MY FIL is the loud type who still would just shout down any of his (grown) sons who would disagree. I can already just imagine him screaming "mind you own f*cking business!!!!"(they are nice people though!!pml)

As others have pointed out, I genuinely believe they dont see or smell the filth anymore either also from a few passing comments, I think mil thinks shes quite clean..

OP posts:
AngryBeaver · 03/01/2011 20:33

urgh,that's uttterly disgusting!it's made me feel queasy.
he smells..of arse?!

i'm sorry,but i would have cracked LONG ago,and had dh tell them that it was not only a really unpleasant experience to visit them,but also a health risk for the dc's..and they'd have to clean up or come to us from then on.
no way would i let my baby crawl on that floor...and if they're anything like my dc's the older one's would ask for a drink/biscuit at their gp's house.
how do you get round that?!!

LeQueen · 03/01/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shaxx · 03/01/2011 20:39

Can't you tell them?
We had to tell ils. They were n't as bad as yours but their house was filthy. Dh would often get the hoover out as soon as we got there and I always cleaned the bathroom before we used it.
I suggested that they should get a cleaner for a few hrs if they finding it hard to clean and we offered to pay.
They had cleaners round and now they're a lot better.

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 03/01/2011 20:49

angrybeaver, thankfully there is a dishwasher. Actually funny you should say that as I had only remarked to DH today that if not for the fact they had a dishwasher and that we take a glass/ cup directly from the diswasher for dd to use, I wouldnt know what to do in this situation.

Generally I make sure both dc are really well fed before going over (dd would definately be asking for things). MIL is constantly trying to feed them - offering things like yogurts etc so dh is on queue to jump up and discretely take spoon from baby bag that I bring for them to use etc..

Oh LeQueen sooo much of that is extremely familiar to me (actually most). They often ask if dc want a "sleepover" and Im constantly making excuses. MIL used to bring a quilt down (from one of the bedrooms) to throw on floor for ds to lie on as he is a baby and honestly, the stains and smell of BO etc on it would make your stomach turn. You would be expected to sleep on that quilt if you were to stay over. Its sad though, as at times like Christmas dhs many brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews often go over for parties etc and it would be nice to stay over (if we wanted to drink) but couldnt possibly.

Shaxx we couldnt tell them. I would imagine them being so insulted they would without a doubt fall out with us.

OP posts:
HarkTheTragicalyHipHeraldAngel · 03/01/2011 20:50

YANBU!! They sound absolutely disgusting, I'm quite surprised how you still manage to go round there.

If I were you I would try and get them to visit you instead.

LeQueen I would not be letting your MIL make me any sandwiches or bottles of formula!!

ragged · 03/01/2011 20:52

LOL @ floaters left behind.
yanbu, but I wish you could fix it. I doubt they're depressed, they just don't realise it's not normal.

Do they work outside the home?

bupcakesandcunting · 03/01/2011 20:56

"He stinks of arse mixed with BO"

2muchtodo2littletime · 03/01/2011 20:56

YANBU!
My ils house is exactly the same and for several years now I have been making excuses for not visiting very often. I hate ending up with a sore throat due to the acrid smell. I gently explained this to Dh and he didnt see it/admit it wasnt acceptable for ages. Then he said that they never had friends over when they were kids! Then the kids stayed there for a few hrs before Christmas as we had some jobs to do.
When we collected the kids the place was a warzone -a dirty nappy left on the dining table (where my DS had been changed), Fil's half eaten lunch plate on the floor with dog licking the plate and my DD with a razor in her hand that she had found on kitchen worktop. Dh went to the toilet and went mad with his parents afterwards. He (rightly) said the toilet was worse than a public toilet. He later said I wasnt unreasonable as it isnt acceptable to have to scrub your DC's feet clean with wipes before they could put their socks on.
My house might not be tidy but at least it is clean.
Sadly the DC's miss out as they wont have that much contact with their GPs

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