to not want to visit PIL anymore because their house is absolutely disgusting

[BarbieLovesKen]

I probably am. Im generally a huge advocate of the "you visit someone to see them, not their house".

I generally dont see mess in people's homes but the absolute filth of PIL's house is really beginning to drive me insane - to a point that, despite enjoying their company I dont really want to visit anymore. I like bringing dc over to see their grandparents and feel like its a really ridiculous/ sad reason to want to limit our trips.

Please dont get me wrong, our house is like a bomb site most days. 90% of the time its covered in mess - toys and clothes everywhere. Its quite untidy in general really but its clean. Counters and floors and toilets and the likes are cleaned and washed daily etc. Sheets are changed regulary. The usual.

Pil's house is disgusting. DH has often commented on it and their own personal hygiene saying he hopes that one day they will start to take a small bit of pride in it/ themselves.

They both smell - in particular DH's dad, whos a very large man who sweats alot. He stinks of arse mixed with BO most of the time and does not change his clothes. The couch in their house smells of him basically. When I go to the loo in theirs, I have to hold my breath before entering, do my business as quick as possible (wouldnt dare to actually sit on the seat) flush toilet with tissue covering my hand as not to touch handle and run out before I loose consciousness. Its brown its so discoloured and 9/10 times will have a lovely large floater left in it.

The hall stinks of sweat and BO and dirty sheets from upstairs. I dont think the windows are ever opened and I know the sheets are changed once every couple of months as their was a joke over this and visitors coming over before.

I have to change DC's clothes when they come home as if DS manages to get on the floor he is covered in dirt from head to toe (crawling). I have to keep wiping their hands with baby wipes during visits. They just feel dirty after visiting. I never, ever eat there and we turn down dinner invitations because of this.

These arent 90 year old frail grand parents by the way, they are 46 and 49.

Oh I probably am. I just really hate going there now. Theres nothing that can be done, is there?

Would they be easily pursuaded into re-decortation?
Then help them clear all the shit out, give it a good scrub ( industrial strength anti back bleach stuff ) maybe that would make them realise how deep a rut they have got in.
Get a carpet cleaner for them or something, seeing all that dirty water build up will surely hit home the level of flith built up around them?

I couldn't visit. I can't bear BO and stinky toilets. DH would have to go on his own, if he wanted to see them, and be prepared to put everything he was wearing straight in the washing machine and hop in the shower as soon as he got home.

If it was me, I would want my DH to be frank with them (as I would if it were my parents) offer to help clean up if they were willing but, if not, and they fell out with us, well so be it, I'm afraid.

How horrid for you :(

Barbielovesken,
You have my total sympathy - my MIL's house is very, very like this. She too is young and fit and healthy but seems to have developed an aversion to any form of cleaning. Coupled with this, she has a RIDICULOUS amount of animals in the house (think in the region of 16 dogs, 10 cats etc all livinbg indoors, various fowl outdoors wandering about poohing everywhere, none of which is EVER cleaned up.) DD is now 5 and I HATE brining her there - she loves it, thinks it is fantastic with all the animals etc, but is also very likely (as happened the last time) to pipe up with 'oh, there's poo on the stairs...oh there's poo in the bathroom...various dogs/cats had literally pooed on the floor and it was not cleaned up)

The cats wander all over the kitchen and there are lumps of rotting, half chewed bones all over the floor from the dogs, as well as the many bowls of festering dog food which seems to be left out continuously.

The toilet is VILE beyond words, there is rarely any toilet paper (god knows what she uses) but I am now wise to making sure my pockets are full of tissues for dd & myself to use when we go there.

She is the same regarding hygiene after handling the animals / feeding them etc. Will never wash hands before making the tea - tea cups are usually to be found floating in a sink of cold, greasy water along with various animal feeding bowls, they are sort of rinsed under the tap and then tea is made in them, milk is poured from the carton which lives on the table (not the fridge) which the cats have been licking and pawing all afternoon etc etc. It is very embarassing for dh really & he is well aware hhow awful the situation is. He has offered to help her sort out an outside run for the dogs and clean up the house (as has BIL, his brother) they have both been refused.

We now make sure we bring a car picnic for dd - it's quite a long drive there, and we stop at a cafe and have brunch/lunch before arriving so we don't have to avail of any offers of food (though they are thin on the ground really).

The awful thing is we were in SIL's house just before christmas, she has a brand new house, built it themselves, beautiful house, and we were both utterly SHOCKED at the state of the house inside - it was quite simply filthy. The toilet was totally brown, I would honestly say it had never been cleaned from the day they moved in...and there was old, encrusted poo all around the rim (higher than where the flush can reach iykwim?) it had been there a LONG time by the looks of it. Dh had used the toilet before myself and dd and he told me afterwards that he had actually cleaned it up as best he could in the few seconds he was in there as he knew we'd need to use it. There was 'matter' on the door handle on the iinside (boak!!!!) he cleaned it.

The kitchen was almost as bad. It truly left me speechless. It had been about 6mth since we were there previously as we had met up in oour house, MIL's house etc on other occassions. SIL is much younger than me and works and is very well and healthy - not depressed etc. It really does seem to boil down to laziness...

It is so very hard to know what to do in these situations...I quite like myb inlaws as people but really do NOT want to be in their homes. SIL loves to make underhand digs at how I am a bit anal with the housework as a sahm & how there's more to life than cleaning

You have my sympathy.I have a relation like this.Her house is dreadful,and whenever I visit,she always says that she's 'not hoovered yet',every time for the last 15 years+ There are half drunk glasses of pop with dust and hair in them,stuff everywhere,toilet filthy,old soap/limescale on the taps and sink,kitchen floor all ripped,dirty counters,place stinks of cigarettes.Thankfully we are never offered food or drinks and I make sure that the dds have been to the loo before we visit because I can't face hers.And the odd thing is,she works as a cleaner.

Phone Kim and Aggie!

this thread has really turned my stomach

you are a saint to have continued visiting all this time, I really don't think I could have done it

I have a friend like this. Her house wouldn't look out of place on a Kim&Aggie TV show. It is truly filthy. However, she and her kids are always immaculate and well turned out and she spends a fortune on clothes, make up and hair. Bizarre....

Sounds like my ex-PIL's place. I don't think they ever changed the sheets as they had gone a yellowy-brown colour.

flippin eck!
no you are definatly nbu.
i at the sight of someones cat walking over kitchen surffices and if someones dog was sat on the sofa-i wouldnt sit on it.[the sofa]
my friend came round once for dinner-she brought her dog with her and gave him her leftovers-she let the dog eat off the plate-
complete badness-i had to smash the plate and throw it away.
i take my hat off to you all-you are braver
people than me-i would of thrown a wobbler.

My PIL's house is fairly bad (they are not old either, in their late fifties, work full time and been like this for at least 10 years) - we haven't visited them there for about 18 months. When you go in there is nowhere to sit, every surface is cluttered with piles of stuff.

There is probably only about 0.5m sqaure of carpet visible in the middle of the room - everything else is covered in stuff. The bath and shower are full of bags of clothes. I'm not sure if it is dirty, but it must be as all the stuff has been there for years, so can't have been cleaned underneath iyswim. Things like mugs and plates seem to be fairly clean though, but when they had pets the dog was allowed to lick the gravy and drink left over dregs of tea. I know it is hard when you have pets to control their every move, but this was encouraged.

We decided when my daughter was at the crawling/ mouthing stage that we were not going to go there anymore. I'm not sure if they noticed that we don't call around anymore. We just invite them around here for a cuppa.

I can't understand why they don't just have a declutter and clean, I'm sure someone must have commented as they put up a little sign with a verse in the hall - something about their messy house. I'm not a clean freak by any means, but when my daughter was born I really had to think twice about visiting.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP, just start inviting them round to yours, maybe they won't notice.

Eeeek. I have a similar (but not as bad) situation and don't know what to do either. I think often people don't even realise their house smells or isn't clean as they seem to have just never learnt how often you have to do all that cleaning stuff. What do you say? How the hell to you bring that up without really, really hurting someone's feelings?!

Their loos do sound awful.

But do you really wash your own loo and floors daily? That sounds unusually often to me.

We clean the loo once a week, brush the kitchen floor daily, and wash it once a week.

He stinks of arse mixed with BO.

Your father in law isnt called Jim Royle is he?

Seriously, I feel sick reading this. I was going to say could you not invite them to your house instead of going over to theirs but on second thoughts would you really want them stinking out in your house? I think not!

I'm another with this problem - the toilet is actually ok/fairly clean (downstairs anyway) but the kitchen...I'm not sure the sink area, the floor, or the cupboards have been cleaned in 5 years, and I can't let DS crawl on the floor in there. It is vile. It is down to laziness as well, neither MIL nor FIL are infirm.

Unfortunately DH thinks this is normal and therefore nothing can be said. I am on the verge of stopping visits though, as I've had a dodgy stomach the last few times we've visited for the weekend.

Oh, that's my mum's house. toilet bowl interior looks like it's been lined with mosaic, dog on sofa and allowed to lick plates/food, hands never washed, soles of socks black from walking across carpets, glasses (for drinking from) are opaque, not transparent, and the whole place a fug of smoke. Also, the amount of rubbish that isn't thrown away or recycled!

I don't think that she can see the dirt as she never gets her eyes tested. But woe betide mentioning the state of her house to her...she's up in arms about such personal criticism. I have cleaned her previous house when she was selling it and got so much abuse.

She used to criticise me, gleefully, for being untidy, which I am, but my house is never dirty.

I'm sorry the visits are getting you down, but really your post was hilarious, Thanks for that

Meet them in a cafe? Getting out of the house will probably do them good, and perhaps they will dress up (and wash) for the occasion.
Perhaps you can make comments about the cafe "oh it smells so nice in here" "did you see the bathroom, its so shiny!"

Or offer to pay for a cleaner as a birthday present?

And if they do dress up, and if you see anything clean in their house, compliment them on it A LOT.

That's disgusting but so funny

-puts hand up- question for LeQueen.

I remember when you showed us RA admirers on the RA thread a picture of your DH and he looked very fragrant Was he fragrant when you met him or was he a project?

How horrible :(

My parents' house is quite horrible - mainly the kitchen, the rest is bearable thankfully. I'm quite messy but I'll make damn sure I never let it get that bad.

I don't see why they can't come to you instead. Can you tell them it's getting too difficult travelling with kids?

"DH has often commented on it and their own personal hygiene saying he hopes that one day they will start to take a small bit of pride in it/ themselves. "

Is that because they weren't always like that, or because he's had his eyes opened to cleanliness in the years since he left home?

Regarding the terrible toilets and similar mentioned by so many posters: have any of these parents had water meters installed? That would explain any reluctance to flush?