Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I stop MIL (and when will I need to?)

53 replies

Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 18:32

Sorry MILs everywhere. I know lots of you are lovely but mine's a PITA :(

dd is 7mo. MIL disapproves of dh and I as parents because of our bfing on demand I think, she's always telling us to put dd down, let her cry etc. She's also been a pain over lots of things this year some of which I've posted about in the past.

Her new line - repeated at least three times over Christmas - is 'your mummy will have a new baby soon. Then you'll get left to one side and you'll come to granny'.

I am not pregnant but we will be ttc this year with a bit of luck. I am realistic enough to recognise that pfbs do get less attention, or a different kind of attention, once there are siblings. But I think this is a very cruel thing to say to a child and I know that she'll keep on saying it.

At 7mo I'm not going to rise to it. But can people with older children help me with when will dd be able to get
this? And how can I tell her to stop when she does this kind of thing deliberately to wind us up?

OP posts:
Lynli · 03/01/2011 18:42

My DM was very similar to this, and even smacked my DD on one occasion.

I told her to shut up, if she can't behave and speak appropriately then she can sod off.

I am not usually that blunt, but polite requests never work.

Unless there are mitigating circumstances then tell her how it is.

diddl · 03/01/2011 18:46

I´d be telling her that in the unlikely event of baby being "left to one side", granny would be the last person she would be going to.Blush

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 18:46

Ooh Lynli I am quite scared by how much I like this idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 18:48

Diddl maybe I could say 'no granny will be left to one side'?

OP posts:
Firawla · 03/01/2011 18:50

I think you just need to tell her firmly and bluntly that you do not like that kind of talk, and that when you have a 2nd child this does not mean you will be replacing your first one and that you will be looking after both, noone will be thrown to the side!! If your dd was old enough to understand that it would be really hurtful for her, so she ought not to be saying it, it sounds as though she has said it in a quite spiteful way, rather than being concerned how you would cope with 2 together (which although quite annoying would not be as bad as just saying it to upset)
It sounds like maybe she is hurt in a way that she cant have as much of a relationship with dd as she wants due to the bf on demand, like has she been asking she wants to have her alone etc? but the thing is she needs to accept it is your own dd to bring up as you feel right and that 7 months is a tiny baby really and needs her mum, there will be time for her to spend more quality time with her as she gets older, and that she needs to respect you as the parents
so yanbu if you tell her firmly and put your foot down a bit, in the end it works out better. i have had to be quite blunt with my own mil in the end, and its worked out alot better we get on better now. maybe your dh could say something, if you prefer

diddl · 03/01/2011 18:50

Oh, perfect!Grin

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/01/2011 18:51

Unruly, I know what you are saying about the 7mo and not rising to it, you do have a point there in some respects.

But, the other side of that coin is that you have to put your foot down NOW, and not even allow this situation to go anywhere near one where your DS actually would understand what she is saying.

Er, that is ENOUGH Granny.

What a truly DREADFUL THING to say, there will be no more of that if you don't mind, unless you want me to find excuses NOT to have anything to do with you?

Blunt is good sometimes. This is one of those times.

diddl · 03/01/2011 18:51

Did she cast her PFB aside then?

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 18:54

Her pfb was here at the weekend telling us about the therapy he is having which he blames quite firmly on MIL and FIL :(

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 03/01/2011 19:01

Well you could be nice and say you'll put some money to the side for when you first born needs therapy in the future.. But I'm bitchy like that

diddl · 03/01/2011 19:04

"Her pfb was here at the weekend telling us about the therapy he is having which he blames quite firmly on MIL and FIL"

OMG, that´s awful!

Sounds as if her remark might be based on what she did.Sad

compo · 03/01/2011 19:06

just say 'ach no, I'd never want you to go through what dh's elder sibling went through' to the baby Wink

strawberrie · 03/01/2011 19:11

Can you adapt the trusty MN adage of "Gosh that sounded rude? Did you mean to be rude?"

I'd be tempted to say, quite calmly, "Granny, that's a really mean thing to say. Do you actually believe that?"

To which she will probably bluster and backtrack and you can then say "Please don't fill DDs head with such nonsense" and shake your head at her.

If she says yes she does believe it, then she's a loon and you can give her what for.

ifiwereanewyearmillionaire · 03/01/2011 19:12

My MIL was the same. She liked to tell ds he would be a spoiled boy and complain we were ruining him with giving in to his demands by holding him, EBF not CIO etc.

I told her straight to stop that talk or we wouldn't be visiting.... she stopped.

incidentally she now praises us on ds & dd being fantastic to spend time with...turns out we haven't done too badly...so far ...touch wood Grin

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 19:15

Some very good ideas here :)

the words coming through are 'calmly' and 'firmly'.

I think she really thinks I am trying to keep dh, and by extension, dd from her. When in reality he just doesn't like her very much and nor does his brother. :(

OP posts:
Dylthan · 03/01/2011 19:16

Shock what an awful thing to say

Be blunt
Nip it in the bud
Now.....

Don't leave it until there's even the remotest possibility that your child could understand. Somthing like that could really stick with a child and have such an effect on their self esteem not even to mention the damage it could do to the sibling relationship.

Does she usually not think before engaging her mouth? Or do you think it was a deliberate dig at your parenting style?

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 19:31

It's a dig at us a. Because she has 3 children so knows much more b. Because we're 'making a rod' for our own backs by not putting dd down (why would I want to? She's bloody amazing - you'd carry this child everywhere if you could see her Wink ) and c. Because she wants alone time with dd which she can't have at the moment because of the bfing but also because we don't really trust her. :(

OP posts:
borderslass · 03/01/2011 19:35

I wouldn't leave her alone with her for a minute, if her own son has said he's having therapy because of what damage she's done she can't have done that great a job.

Fiddledee · 03/01/2011 19:41

I have always found a top tip from a friend is restricting access for a period - saying "we're busy" when she suggests a day to come round for a while kicks many a MIL into touch.

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your DD in her care you don't have to she has no rights.

She sounds a bit toxic, ignore her and get on with your own life. Do you have a mother?

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 19:43

It's weird because, as dh says it's not like they were abusive or neglectful or anything like that. It's more a complete absence of any kind of joy, excessive meaness (which might actually be the same thing) and a complete lack of empathy. I have no idea how dh turned out so well as SIL and BIL both have real problems. :(

OP posts:
onceamai · 03/01/2011 19:53

From one whose MIL actually said, "it's a shame you can't perform" shortly after we buried DS2, born at 27 weeks and who was my 4th pg, it was sweet justice when DD came back from a few days with MIL at the age of 11 and muttered the marvellous words "God, she's such a prat"!

In the short term remind the old bag MIL that it's usually the baby that gets less attention because toddlers simply won't let you have it any other way. She may just be like mine, an insensitive, pig ignorant, bitter old trout and really you just have to feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for mine, the SIL's live on different Continent - can't think why Grin.

sixpercenttruejedi · 03/01/2011 19:55

"wow, that was spiteful. It's lucky DD isn't old enough to understand you. Maybe you should work on your attitude before DD does get old enough to understand and you cause some real damage"

..said in an calm, even and slightly superior tone.

or say to your dd..

"What's that daft old women saying to you, eh? It's ok, we won't let her get to you, will we? no, we won't"

..in a singsong voice.
but I'm a real bitch when it comes to this sort of thing Grin

Blatherskite · 03/01/2011 19:55

Stop her now.

Because you never really know at what point children start taking things in and because you need to stop her undermining you before she gets used to it and thinks it's OK!

YOU are the babies parents, YOU have chosen to EBF etc and while she may be desperate to have your DD all to herself that is not her decision to make. She had her chance with her own children - and made an awful less of it by the sounds of things!

Maybe point out that in the unlikely event that you do decide to cast your DD aside, someone who would talk to her like that and make her feel so unwanted and unloved would be the last person you'd be passing her to!

When my DD was born, all I wanted was to have her and my DS together and today, over a year on, my favourite thing is watching them play together :)

MIL wouldn't be having a look in with comments and a history like that even if I were desperate though Shock

onceamai · 03/01/2011 19:55

Unruly Santa - I have a feeling that somewhere along the line she is possibly related to mine!

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 19:57

Fiddledee part of the problem is that my mother is an ex midwife, great grandmother, very kind, caring, loves babies and my dad is a really lovely man: very practical, kind, great company etc and they love dh and dd (and me) and would do anything for us so we see a lot of them.

We try not to make this obvious and to be sensitive to how this might affect PILs but it's difficult because MIL won't come and see us much and will make a big deal of how she's doing us a favour when she does but then gets pissed off that dd sees her other gps more.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread