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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I stop MIL (and when will I need to?)

53 replies

Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 18:32

Sorry MILs everywhere. I know lots of you are lovely but mine's a PITA :(

dd is 7mo. MIL disapproves of dh and I as parents because of our bfing on demand I think, she's always telling us to put dd down, let her cry etc. She's also been a pain over lots of things this year some of which I've posted about in the past.

Her new line - repeated at least three times over Christmas - is 'your mummy will have a new baby soon. Then you'll get left to one side and you'll come to granny'.

I am not pregnant but we will be ttc this year with a bit of luck. I am realistic enough to recognise that pfbs do get less attention, or a different kind of attention, once there are siblings. But I think this is a very cruel thing to say to a child and I know that she'll keep on saying it.

At 7mo I'm not going to rise to it. But can people with older children help me with when will dd be able to get
this? And how can I tell her to stop when she does this kind of thing deliberately to wind us up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:01

Onceamai :( how horrible

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 03/01/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:18

Firawla yes she's been hinting as to how she wants time alone but I think if she were given it she'd decide that was 'babysitting' and therefore doing us a favour.

She dismisses anything dh says and treats him very much as though he were 20 years younger than he is. He is very capable of standing up to her but there's always tonnes of fallout.

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monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:33

Stand up to her know, don't wait until your children can understand. Next time she says something like that just say "that's a really nasty thing to say, why would you say that" see what she says and if she doesn't back down say " don't you ever say anything so nasty and damaging in front of my child again, how dare you" etc.

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:38

It's true of course that we won't really know when dd will start to understand (and Stayfrosty am totally with you re the talking to me through the baby which she does all the time) but I would assume that by 18 months you'd be thinking at least some things were going in? Older? Younger?

Think I need to adopt some MN tactics. Maybe just very simple: 'that would be very hurtful for dd if she understood you, please don't say things like that'. At which point her head will explode at how badly she has been treated and he rest of her will flounce off trailing FIL behind her wittering on about traintimetables or somesuch. Ahhh well. :)

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wayoftheworld · 03/01/2011 20:39

Just to make it clear when you do have another baby and they both cry at the same time, I would pick the older one to calm down first as they are more aware of being ignored. And than invite the older child to help you with the younger one- you have two knees one on each and just muddle along. But it should never be the case of one child being ignored so that you can deal with the other one..

You might want to explain this to your MIL in case it is what she used to do, but if she is like mine it will go over her head!!

monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:40

Wow she would get the ump if you asked her not to say that?! She sounds stroppy and a bit like a spoilt kid. All the more reason to stick up for yourself. Hate that emotional blackmail shit. She is expecting you to say nothing and will punish you with a strop if you do!

monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:42

wayoftheworld - I don't think it matters what the OP says to her MIL, the MIL will still say bitchy things, it sounds like it's in her nature unfortunately.

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:42

Monkeyflippers you're absolutely right of course. And I will never allow her to damage dd. I'm just trying to work out when tohave this particular fight. As you would when managing the behaviour of a badly behaved child I'm trying not to be 'picky' with her behaviour and picking battles when they're really the important thing right now iykwim?

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:43

Yeah I know exactly what you mean!

SkipToTheEnd · 03/01/2011 20:46

I would simply say - as happy and OTT as you can muster 'Isn't Granny speaking nonsense - the more the merrier! Think of all the lovely snuggles we can have with a new baby...'

If she's as joyless as it seems that should grate on her nerves enough to stop her :)

stleger · 03/01/2011 20:48

My MIL would have loved to have thought up that line; she was similar. But now my children are high up her league table of grandchildren as they are taller than the others. Obviously due to my incredible parenting skills Wink.

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:51

Sorry - x posts. Yes she will get the hump! She is an expert in this.

Let me give you an e.g: one day she went on and on and on about the sling dd is in 'she doesn't look comfortable' 'she should be in a buggy' 'it's not safe' etc etc. After a loooooooong time I said, very gently, that there was evidence that actually baby-wearing is good for babies psychologically because they're being held (I didn't say anything negative at all about buggies - as far as I know there isn't anything bad about buggies!). She was furious at this saying 'oh I suppose my children have been psychologically damaged have they?' :(

I'm not remotely scared by her or her moods but would like dd to have a good relationship with her gps and therefore woul like to manage this well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 20:55

You are right though - there isn't a magic thing I can say that will suddenly make her behave rationally and empathetically.

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cupcakebakerer · 03/01/2011 20:57

I cannot believe someone would actually say this to your dd - never mind your MIL!! I'm actually shocked.

wayoftheworld · 03/01/2011 20:57

Unrulysanta trying to manage it is the best you can do at the moment- but be aware that as soon as other children come to scene or if her doughter has her kids whom she will raise differently-oh is a complitly different ball game all togather.

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 21:00

Wayoftheworld good advice re babies crying :)

stleger love the idea that tall is a moral choice!

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Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 21:02

Cupcakebakerer me too! So glad I'm not just being pfb!

Wayoftheworld - in what way? Is it going to get worse?

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Birdinacage · 03/01/2011 21:22

I watched a program on the tv a while ago where mums who were suffering PND had councelling and advice on how to interact with their baby from a psychiatrist and the babies were with them in the sessions, they had to stop bringing the babies in with them when they reached about 12 months of age as apparently the babies would be able to understand some of what was being said between mum and psychiatrist.

Mowiol · 03/01/2011 21:24

I concur with StayFrosty - don't address your MIL through your DD the way she has addressed you. This is a particular bugbear of mine.
My MIL used to criticise me through the DCs "Your Mummy should have put a vest on you" etc. etc. (in the middle of summer when it was hot) said in a silly "baby" voice. Bloody pathetic and very annoying.
If she does this again, call her on it, determinedly and firmly e.g. "What a very strange and unpleasant idea to think we would cast DD aside! What a good job she is too small to understand - I hope you don't repeat that sort of thing!!"

She sounds even worse than my MIL - and that's saying something. Although to be fair she wouldn't have said anything quite so unpleasant. More interfering and domineering (or trying to be) IYSWIM?

Lonnie · 03/01/2011 21:28

I know it is corny and many will groan but next time smile sweetly and say

Love doesnt divide it multiplies plenty of love for everyone to go around.

I adored my first born from the moment she was born didnt change when dd2 arrived i just adored two girls there is plenty of love to go around

Original poster
Unrulysanta · 03/01/2011 21:39

Lonnie - I actually like that because a. It's true and b. It 's not offensive to her. The fact that it will really piss her off is just a bonus unfortunate. :)

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wayoftheworld · 03/01/2011 21:41

My DH has told me how his mother used to punish them with a woooden spoon and his dad used his belt (no wander my DH we his bed till 11 ). Now Mil turns her nose up when I smak my kids. She thinks it is rather confusing for the child to be held and smaked by the same hand Hmm.

Now that my SIL has her kids and does not even smack, I am still a bad mother!!! How does this work?!!

cupcakebakerer · 03/01/2011 22:10

Could your husband have a word with her unruly?

cupcakebakerer · 03/01/2011 22:11

Or does he at least agree that she is being totally unreasonable?