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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To check DH's mobile?

61 replies

Madinitials · 02/01/2011 21:21

Not to see if he's having an affair but to see what PIL are saying about me? PIL and I have not had a good relationship since birth of DD 16 months ago and this has caused problems in our marriage. They know this and rather than back off a bit, they keep pushing forward with their wants and sense of entitlement.

DH gave me the passcode to his phone and he has full access to mine but after reading a shitey text from them regarding me (he asked me to find a text regarding a dinner we were attending), I cannot help but check it every so often. Should I stop?

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AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 02/01/2011 21:29

I have no problems with checking DHs phone, privacy my arse!

But I don't cos I have no reason to.

I can only think that your DH is not showing them to you to spare you from their twatishness.

I'm like you and would rather know what I'm dealing with, but won't reading them just hurt you and drive a wedge between you and them, and possibly you and your DH?

If you don't care for them much, what does it matter what they're saying?

mummyosaurus · 02/01/2011 21:33

I would say stop because it's upsetting you and won't help the situation.

curlymama · 02/01/2011 21:38

Don't do it without him knowing. If you read something that upsets you you will want to talk about it, and that would be easier to do if you don't have to tell DH that you looked on his phone.

DH and I know eachothers codes to our phones, and I don't have anything to hide, but I would be slightly put out if he just picked up my phone behind my back and went through my texts. I'd think that if he wanted to see so much then he should ask me, and I would show him.

So I think you should ask him.

wayoftheworld · 02/01/2011 21:40

I am in your shoes. My DH never tells me anymore what conversations happen between him and MIL because "it makes us argue". Cant help but feel that once you step over the shit of MIL it sticks to your shoes and never goes away...

You should be at my house when she calls and hwo sometimes my DH lowers his voice to talk to her about me. My heart drops to my stomack....Angry

LadyBubbaAndBump · 02/01/2011 21:43

I would because I wouldn't be able to stop myself. But then I'd probably also want to see my DH's responses to them, which would no doubtedly cause arguments because he'd be very unlikely to be able to word a suitable response to my liking. lose-lose situation then.
:(

classydiva · 02/01/2011 22:06

Personally I do think that it is an infrigement of privacy, and no one has any right to check anothers phone, it is not unlike your oh going through your handbag.

It is bad mannered and darn right rude.

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 02/01/2011 22:12

So why would I not want DH to go through my handbag classy?

Not bad mannered or rude at all, this is her DH, not some strangers phone.

If he has something on it he doesn't want her to see, then she should be seeing it surely?

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 22:14

Agent you're right that reading them is driving a wedge between us but I do like to know what they are saying since DH tends to give me a watered-down version of conversations they have (I only know they're watered-down because I'm reading the damn texts!).

Curly FIL sent a text today that I would love to discuss with DH but for the reason you have given, I can't so I can see what you're saying.

Lady I can see DH's responses because his phone shows both sides of the conversation, Today's response was "I'll see you tomorrow" so I'm hoping that when he comes home tomorrow, he will talk to me about it. FIL's text was descriptive enough for me to be prepared if DH does discuss it with me.

WOTW I know exactly where you're coming from. DH mentioned to FIL on the phone the other night that he had bathed DD, and FIL asked what I was doing whilst DH as doing the bath, ie, why wasn't I doing it. Then FIL said "it's not as though she has a job" - DH is her father and I'm 8 months pregnant FGS! I could tell DH was getting uncomfortable with the conversation which is why I tuned in. Don't think DH realised I could hear FIL.

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curlymama · 02/01/2011 22:15

Agent, she should see,but she should be able to ask and know that he would show her.

I don't like it when DH goes through my handbag because he might find my secret chocolate stash, and I don't want him to know what a lardy I really am! Or that the bottom of my bag is completely minging! I frequently forget when I ask him to find something or he's looking for my car keys though Blush

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 22:17

Classy I'm not sure you could compare my looking at DH's texts with him going through my handbag. If I have something to hide in my handbag, then I think we have problems.

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curlymama · 02/01/2011 22:20

Ok, I x posted with your reply and you really need to stop! No good will come of it because he is unlikely to give the exact responses you would want him to, so you wil just get angry with him. It does sound like he is doing his best to protect you, and the poor guy can't help what his tosser of a Dad is saying. Don't let the crap that Fil says come between you and you DH, as long as you know that Dh doesn't agree with him, then you need to trust him.

SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2011 22:25

I think your dh needs to be standing up for you more.

If things are so bad with ils that you need to check his phone then you have big problems IMO

faverolles · 02/01/2011 22:26

Does your DH not cut short any conversations against you?
For me, this would be the issue, not the fact that you were checking his mobile.
If your pil's have a problem with you, your DH's loyalty should be with you, and that includes stopping them from sending nasty messages about you.

Or have I read it all wrong? (in which case, sorry, ignore me)

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 22:38

Santa my last post was a bit flippant. This is a problem for us and the only problem we have in an otherwise good marriage. DH and I have talked about the fact that he needs to stand up for me more which he says he does in my absence but obviously, I don't see that because I'm not there.

Faverolles you have read it right and DH should stop them from sending these texts but due to my own snoopping, I can't tell him this without admitting that I am actually reading them.

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Aims80 · 02/01/2011 22:40

Yes the issue for me here would be your dh not standing up for you. A few simple comments like- I'd rather you didn't talk about her like that, or, it upsets me when you say things about her etc could have put pay to their behaviour.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 02/01/2011 22:45

How long ago was it since you read the first text from them?

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 22:49

SLTS the first text was about not long after DD was born so about 15 months ago when an off comment was made by MIL and DH replied that I had just had a traumatic birth so as not feeling great.

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wayoftheworld · 02/01/2011 23:01

Unfortunatly my DH believes more his DM than me. When MIL and I had an argument over the phone, DH did not even bother asking my side of the story. In my house the word MIL is a bomb, if touched explodes- hence the reason why I am talking about it on Mumsnet!! Thanks ladies..it does help getting it out!

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 02/01/2011 23:11

Gosh, this has been going on a while then. I bet its all you can do not to give them an earful when you see them.

Does your DH ever talk to you about the things written in the texts, or when they've had their little conversations with him?

This is how I found my DH out. He would be on the phone to his mum, or they would have a very long talk when he was seeing her off and invariably either later that day or the next day there would be some issue or some 'helpful suggestion'. So I confronted him and he admitted to these little conversations. I there and then demanded he put a stop to them. I pointed out his loyalty is to me, not his mother and I wasn't going to put up with my husband allowing somebody else to slag me off behind my back.

To his credit the next time MIL tried to talk about me, he put a stop to it straight away. MIL was rather shirty with me for a while afterwards but she got over it.

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 23:27

SLTS I really have to bite my tongue when I see them because if I started, there would be NO going back ever. Your 'helpful suggestion' made me laugh! DH told me that MIL does not think I like her which made me laugh as she is turning it all back on me but she did this to my face once when she turned up at my door uninvited and started crying that I "had changed" since the birth of DD. I was quite cross at the crying because a) she had done this before and b) I had seen the texts so it felt like she was trying to manipulate me with tears. DH tells me that his loyalyies lie with me but I sometimes find it very hard to imagine him actually telling PIL that he doesn't want to hear them say bad things about me in my absence because they are very manipulative.

WOTW my PIL believe that because they can make DH do things they want him to that I should fall into line too. They definitely think their word is law in my house as well as theirs.

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wayoftheworld · 02/01/2011 23:28

Can you DH have a word with mine please????? I have tried to make him see that he is being manipulated and I am making my situation worse. My MIL had the balls to tell my DH that should the FIL had been alive he would have never allowed anyone(me!!) to treat her this way. I thought "shame my husband does not take after his father!!"

A1980 · 02/01/2011 23:30

It's morbid curiosity. You want to know what's being said about you but when you found out I bet you wished you hadn't.

Hard though it is, I think you should stop. What is it going to achieve other than upsetting you even more and perhaps affecting your relationship with DH.

TBH I think DH should put a stop to it. You are his wife and you have a child together. He should tell them not to say things like that about you out of respect for you and your marriage.

mayorquimby · 02/01/2011 23:39

Tough one. I'd go nuts if my gf checked my phone but as he's given you the password then he must be fine with it. But did he give it to you so that if you ever needed to use the phone you'd be able to or did he do it in the name of "I've nothing to hide so have no problem with you checking my texts" which could justify your snooping

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 02/01/2011 23:41

What is it that would make you go 'nuts' if your gf 'snooped' and had a look on your phone mayor?

Original poster
Madinitials · 02/01/2011 23:44

A1980 you are right and now I'm wishing the next 12 or so hours away so that DH comes home from their house and tells me what wss said...or doesn't since he doesn't know that I know about the text. I would like to stop reading his texts since this is going to have a detrimental effect on our relationship but it's so hard because I feel I need to be forearmed and forewarned. I almost wish they would cut out the middle man (DH) and just say these things to my face but like I said in my last post, there would be no going back if we had it out. I really don't think it would clear the air. I shall have to wait until DH next brings something up and then we shall have to discuss loyalties all over again.

WOTW crikey, your MIL really thinks she rules over you, doesn't she? I tell myself over and over again that if I have the pleasure of being a MIL in the future, I shall model myself on my own mother and take a step back. I'll also try my hardest to remember what it was like to be a DIL.

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