To check DH's mobile?

[Madinitials]

Not to see if he's having an affair but to see what PIL are saying about me? PIL and I have not had a good relationship since birth of DD 16 months ago and this has caused problems in our marriage. They know this and rather than back off a bit, they keep pushing forward with their wants and sense of entitlement.

DH gave me the passcode to his phone and he has full access to mine but after reading a shitey text from them regarding me (he asked me to find a text regarding a dinner we were attending), I cannot help but check it every so often. Should I stop?

It would to me seem like a complete lack of trust and an invasion of my privacy.
We're adults if she wants to know something ask me. If she can't trust me to tell her the truth then wtf are we doing together?

Mayor it's a bit of both really. We have passwords to each other's laptops too so we can both use either one and because we know we have nothing to hide. I have a feeling that he would be more bothered that I saw PIL's nasty texts (ie upset that I read something that upset me) rather than the fact that I was looking at his phone.

I still feel I couldn't tell him that I saw the texts though as I want to know what is being said by PIL so I'm caught in a vicious circle almost of my own doing.

My MIL has decided that it is better for days of visitations that my DH takes the kids and her out somewhere to spend time togather (without me) - which my DH thinks is the best solution at the moment. What is daft is that my DH is making plans for all of us (including me) to go and visit MIL at her house!!

How on earth am I supposed to sail this without breaking my marriage???

Agent

Its the principle, its no different to riffling through someones wallet or pockets.

It's wrong and is an invasion of privacy, it doesnt mean that someone has something to hide.

Exactly.
If people are happy to do it within their relationships more power to them. But it's not something I'd tolerate. It's no different to secretly listening in on someones phone calls or conversations with their friends.I've seen threads on here were peoples OH's have read the thread makers diaries and seen intimate details they'd wanted to keep personal. I don't see a difference between that and reading through someone elses texts without their permission.
But the op in this case has her dh's permission which means that this isn't really the issue, I was simply looking for clarification on whether or not he knew she'd be reading his texts etc.

ok, i really don't get this thing of privacy in a marriage - dh & i have access to everything, emails, laptops, phones etc. we never 'snoop' but if his phone is charging & a text arrives, i'll check it if i'm nearest, and even answer if necessary. he also checks my email etc.

we don't totally invade each other, we're allowed our own time, and if one of us doesn't want to discuss something, we say so. but we don't hide things from each other either.

i would never look at another person's phone, email etc, but it just never occurs to either of us to hide things like that. it's like saying that looking in his wardrobe (ie when putting clothes away) i'm invading his privacy.

otoh - i think if you're reading stuff and not telling him, that's wrong too - you need to have a talk with him, and think about if you DO want to know word for word what is said, or if you trust him to 'field' comments & deal with them himself.

I posted a thread early hours this am about a mystery number on my oh phone and him giving me different people it could be. They all said to snoop and find out!
I would say to you to leave it though as it sounds hurtful and easy to misinterpret

As I said, I don't check DHs phone, but it'd make me more uncomfortable if he thought I was 'invading his privacy' or I was going to be rude by having a quick shufty at the photos on his phone, or a text my dad had sent him.

Invasions of privacy are hard to gauge after sharing a bathroom and being married for 10 years, and although I do trust him, I'd be asking serious questions as to why he didn't want me to look.

I've slept on it and I think that if DH comes home from PIL and discusses what was said in the text, then I shall leave the phone alone in future. If he doesn't mention it, I think I shall bring the text up, plus his loyalties towards me (these texts have been coming in for nearly 16 months so he has not put a stop to them) and still leave the phone alone since he will then know that I have been checking it.

It's a difficult situation, but I wish you luck, whichever way the conversation goes.

fwiw, I did "have it out" with my MIL once as she was constantly telling me how brilliant my DH was, and you could tell from various comments that she thought I was Evil Bitch Wife From Hell. I pointed out that despite DH not standing up for himself, he loved me and I loved him. We had chosen to spend our lives together, we understood each other, we were having another baby together and this was how we worked. If he didn't like the way we worked, he would do something about it and really a grown man didn't need his mother's 'input' into our relationship, and really it had nothing to do with her. It was a hard converstion to have, but it did clear the air a bit, but then I think she knows that he'd choose me over her if he had to, so she backed down a bit.

LadyBubba how did you end up having it out with her? Did you bring it up or was MIL in the process of making a snide comment when you told her like it is?

She was making a snide comment, I'd bitten my tongue for a few days (they live in Yorks and we live in London, so we see them for an intensive five or so days at a time, all a bit claustrophobic) - she was starting to say something again about "poor DH, he tries his best" type-thing (when in actual fact he'd fucked up on something yet again, I got cross and she intervened) and I just exploded

Like I say, a bit uncomfortable for a few hours/days after, but she's much less interfering these days (although she still does my head in). As I say though, without trying to sound like the Queen Bee, she's much less confrontational than I am and wouldn't be able to argue against me very successfully so doesn't probably 'cos it's easier not to :(

This won't answer the question you asked but I just want to say that if my MIL was sending texts about me to my DH's phone ALL HELL would break loose if he allowed it to go on. (And I am not someone who doesn't know what she is talking about, this sort of stuff very nearly broke us a few years ago). I would not allow my own family to disrespect my husband by making comments about him, and I expect him not to have his family do it either. You deserve to be treated right, and if your PIL's are not going to do it, your DH needs to set them straight. His loyalties need to be with you, his wife. I hope all goes well for you as I know how it feels.

bubba thats the key isnt it?My pil live about 3.5 hr drive so right from the start we have spent long periods together involving staying in each others homes.I am not a great lover of the overnight guest tbh and its hard to meet new people who you want to get on with and have to eat/sleep and shit in such close proximaty.I am due their first gc in 4 wks and they have already had to be put in their place re vists etc and i can only envisage problems for the next few months as they realise i have a life and dont want them staying here all the time.
op-i can t believe this has gone on so long,have you ever told dh you think he should stick up for you?He needs to put his foot down and say you are his wife and they need to stop bullying you.
Like many of you my lovely dh is a complete wimp when it comes to family which in way is why i love him but he is learning that he has to stand up to them occasionally.

Ledkr I remember your PIL, much like mine! DH and I have tslked about him standing up for me, which he says he does, but the fact that these kind of texts are still being sent makes me feel that as they still exist, he cannot be telling them that it's not on. I think I shall have to blow my cover if he comes home from they're house and doesn't bring up the subject of the text.

Victor I feel this could cause massive ruptures in our relationship and either PIL are totally blind to this or they just don't care - either way it's pretty bad.

LadyBubba they don't say these things to me, just to DH and he will water them down if he mentions them to me. Like Ledkr's DH, he is a bit of a woss when it comes to his parents and they don't treat him as a man with a family but like a child who has had a child for them.

Madinitials I know how hard it is, and maybe there are times when it is better to say nothing. What would happen if you took your FIL or MIL to one side and spoke to them (a big blow up I am guessing, and maybe put your marriage beyond repair)? It is bloody hard to live with, and every day I feel as if I fight my MIL for my marriage. I feel sad for you in this situation x

gosh its such a shame isnt it?Mine are not nasty they are just pushy and still regard their kids as their property and dont take into account the partners may not want them in their lives as much.
We tried to get married in secret romantic xmas eve ceremony but dh felt guilty and told them so they insisted on coming even tho that wasnt an option,this meant i had to ask my mum and dad who both have new partners and my ds's couldnt come as too short notice for work.
We went on holiday to one of those log cabins with hot tub,really nice.They drove an hr and ahalf every day to come to "see us" encouraged by dh i have to say.On he 3rd day i heard him arranging it again so i opened some wine lit a fag and got into the hot tub in my pants-he cancelled them haha.
I could cope with them if they didnt have to stay here its sooo intrusive,i had the shits last time and had to walk upstairs as didnt want to use downstairs loo with them there,stairs are very difficult when 36 wks pg and worse after a c section so dreading it.They used to help out and buy take aways ec but all that seems to have disappeared with time,god its so frustrating,thank god for mumsnet to vent,i have actually regretted marrying him in my darker moments :( have you?

I agree with ClassyDiva. what right do you have to go through anyone's phone? It is an infringement of privacy and shows a marked lack of respect.

Samay I truly do not want DH to fall out with his parents, I have such a close bond with mine that I would feel terrible if he lost his but then mine would never say anything detrimental about him. I also don't want my marriage to fall apart because of them, it would be such a waste and for what?

Victor I have spoken to MIL twice, first time arranged with DH present snd second time when she surprised me on my own. Both times she burst into tears, the second set of tears seemed very manipulative as this was two days after FIL had twice done something to endanger DD and she turned it back on me. I am so sorry that you feel like you daily fight your MIL for your marriage, it's how I feel abouty PIL. I do think that if I talked to PIL now, there would be no going back - our relationship would be over and DH would still be stuck in the middle.

Ledkr I would only admit that here, that in my deepest, darkest moments I have wondered if I woukd have married if I had known then what I know know. It actually scares me to think it because our gorgeous DD wouldn't exist and I wouldn't be, like you, 36 weeks pregnant with our second child. Thanks for the fag/pants/hot tub anecdote, made me laugh through my frown!

why are dhs so weak?I have had a worrying pg made worse by the fact he wouldnt discuss with them that it was not appropriate to come and stay for a week when i am having a section.i finally cracked last week and told him id be telling them on one of their 8 hr notice overnight stays when he went to work and left me to entertain them.He didnt tell me but spoke to them when i was in bed,the following morning i also spoke to mil and she again suggested a week even tho dh had told her only the weekend the night before-manipulator.
My ds was 18 when he stupidly got his gf pg.I was not pleased and hardly spok to her for a while.Eventually ds told me to get over myself and to stop being horrible as she was his gf and he loved her-HE WAS 18 FOR GOD SAKE- puts our dhs to shame.I was very proud of him and have a great relationship with dil who has been a great support to me also.