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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh going on the wagon - yet again - after ruining christmas and new year

93 replies

shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 13:53

he was on the wagon since the summer. all well and happy - one glip in november
and again since 21st december.
permanently pissed, unreasoanble - ruining chrismtas.
now refusing to get out of bed - -so whats new - says he is giving up the booze.

some words of wisdom needed here.
i am trying and trying not to think about him and his drinking. i have asked him to leave.
he feels of course it is my fault -i have a bad attitude towards his drinking - he shoudl be able to drink - plainly he can't.

OP posts:
TheLittleRaccoon · 02/01/2011 14:10

Kick him out. If you have to, wait 'til he's able, then send him out on some pretext (maybe get his DB involved if he's willing) and get the locks changed while he's gone.

I wouldn't stand for this at all. Fuck the "Alcoholism is an illness" blah blah bollocks. No sympathy. He chooses to get drunk and possibly scar his children for life. Get him out.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 14:11

he feels of course it is my fault -i have a 'bad attitude towards his drinking - he shoudl be able to drink - plainly he can't.'

He needs to leave. Not just because he's an alcoholic but because he blames it on you and is therefore not interested in recovery. That's a crock of shit.

TheLittleRaccoon · 02/01/2011 14:11

Great minds, Evil Dead.

Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:13

i didnt want to wrroy his db again - at this tiem of year - i did inovlve him earlier - which helped.
the other db i was going to speak to this time, dont really have much faith in him, but i thought d huh h could live with him or something - i dont want him here drinking

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 14:13

Dooin', he's not interested in 'fighting it' and it's not a fight, anyhow. He's not acknowledging that is it his problem. He can't recover without owning that. Instead, he's blaming it all on the OP.

So for all intents in purposes, this relationship is, for the time being, very over.

Metherbumfit · 02/01/2011 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2011 14:14

What expat said.

Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:15

change the locks?
anything else?

OP posts:
miniwedge · 02/01/2011 14:15

Why does the op need to work out what would make him have that realisation? His alcoholism is HIS issue, not the ops.

Unless a person wants to change there is fuck all you can do to make it better, I speak from unfortunate experience.

Op, you need to be practical, you have asked him to leave so you need to work out how to get him out.
Is the house rented or owned. Is it in one name or both?
You need to get legal advice and I would also speak to womens aid, they can advise you how to remove him safely.

You do not have any responsibility for him, he chooses to drink, you can choose not have to watch him.

Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:16

thanks - it is rented

woman's aid you reckon?

yes - it is practical help i am after and somethign to keep me sane.

OP posts:
Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:17

perhaps cab.

OP posts:
Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:17

i dont feel strong enough

OP posts:
miniwedge · 02/01/2011 14:19

Def womens aid, you are being subjected to emotional abuse, while he stays he is expecting you to enable him. Ie he will still have food, clothes etc whilst you are there to pick up the pieces.

If it's rented then whose name is the tenancy in?

expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 14:19

then start going to al-anon meetings until you do, shed. because this will not just wreck your life but also your childrens. children of alcoholics have a greater chance of becoming alcoholics themselves. as this person isn't interested in recovery, it's time for you to move forward for your own and your childrens' sakes. so start with al-anon.

TheLittleRaccoon · 02/01/2011 14:20

Well you're going to have to be. Look at your DCs, imagine them going through a crap Christmas again next year, and find the strength from somewhere.

miniwedge · 02/01/2011 14:20

You will feel stronger when you take positive action. X

Original poster
shedsleeper · 02/01/2011 14:22

i dont want to go to al anon - i might know someone Blush - stupid

tennancy in both names.

OP posts:
ManateeEquineOhara · 02/01/2011 14:22

I would recommend Women's Aid too. Not sure why I didn't say that before. They can advise on how to get him out too.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 14:23

but shed, you have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. he has.

TheLittleRaccoon · 02/01/2011 14:25

What's more important? You feeling mildly embarrassed because you see someone you know, or your children?

SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2011 14:25

Do it for your children.

They won't thank you for letting him stay.

ManateeEquineOhara · 02/01/2011 14:26

Don't worry about Al Anon for now just get him out.
How old are your DCs?

Vallhala · 02/01/2011 14:28

I'm prepared to be flamed for this but why are you being so passive about his alcoholism?

You have a permanantly drunk man around YOUR CHILDREN FGS, wrecking their Christmas, setting the most awful example of not just what a father should be like or how to behave but of what a woman and her kids should be prepared to put up with.

I understand it isn't easy - I lived, not with an alcoholic, but with DV for FAR too long, always hoping it would get better, wanting to keep my family together, wanting my DDs to have a father... it was retrospectively the must ill-advised, stupid and damaging thing I have done in my life.

Get him out. ONLY he can help himself, he needs to WANT TO and he needs to do that BEFORE you consider a further relationship with him. If that means you change the locks, do it. If that means you take the DC out and send a couple of big fellas around to "talk" to him, fine. Rather that than suffer this.

YOU have a right to decide to take this shit, you're an adult. I don't think you have the right to make your DC live with it.

classydiva · 02/01/2011 14:29

Alcoholics cannot drink, once they stop they have to stay stopped.

compo · 02/01/2011 14:30

Agree with everything vallhala said

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