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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my hubby should get up out of his bed

82 replies

ChablisLover · 02/01/2011 09:58

Hubby thinks it is his right to have a lie-in at weekends, holidays etc.

If I try to get him up earlier we have unholy arguments.

He then complains about everything from the state of the house to his dinner being cold to me putting on weight! And that was just yesterday!

He says the house is a mess - is v hard to tidy up with DS in toe - i find it v stressful as he basically comes behind and messes it up again. Also, would love to tidy up my bedroom but it is difficult with someone lying in "state" until after 10!

He then expects me to spend mummy & daddy time together but when I fall asleep on sofa and decline this lovely offer he gets annoyed. I am the one who is up at half six everyday with DS and the one who does all the work in the house whereas he sleeps to after ten and then isn't tired when I am shattered.

I think I am becoming just a tad resentful but would really like some help and advice as to how to deal with this in a softly softly catchee monkey style as i don't want more arguments.

OP posts:
stoppinchingthedummy · 02/01/2011 10:01

um yanbu- i wouldnt be having that its "his right" um no dont u both have a right to a rest!! cheeky sod!! We take it in turns to have a rest so usually i rest sat am and him sun am although dp is a lighter sleeper than me so usually ends up getting up with the dc first and i rest both days Grin today he isnt well so i let him stay in bed Smile kind eh Grin

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2011 10:04

Omg he sounds like a selfish arse!

Suggest to him you may be more willing to spend time with him in the evenings if he were to take it in turns with lie ins and to help with ds and the housework?

In our house we both pitch in to get things done, we both take turns with lie ins, it's just the only way to not resent each other imo.

What we say to each other for eg is "if I clean the bathroom, will you hoover?"

When dd2 was smaller, dh would take dd's out for the afternoon and I would clean the house top to bottom so if he won't do housework maybe he could do this as a compromise?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/01/2011 10:05

YADNBU. I am always up first although if I did want to stay in bed DH would be happy to get up.
I do generally go to bed earlier than him so that could be why I wake around 6am.
I always get DD out of bed too, but again, if I asked him to, DH would be happy to do that too.
I think you need to have strong words.

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2011 10:08

About the complaining about your weight Shock it's none of his business BUT if YOU WANT to do something about your weight, you would need his support, he would need to do more around the house/ with dc's to allow you to have the time and energy to do exercise. When I joined weightwatchers and lost almost 3 stone my dh looked after dc's and kept the home running while I went to weightwatchers meetings, went to the gym or swimming because THAT is what supportive husbands do, they do not simply sit there moaning about how much their wife weighs!

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2011 10:11

My dh once said he didn't like the spag bol I'd made him.........so I said he was welcome to make his own dinner for the rest of the week, he has never complained ever again. It's not his right to have his dinner cooked for him, he is more than capable of making his own so if he moans about it then I will not do it. Simple. It's very effective. I will not do what is not appreciated.

Bogeyface · 02/01/2011 10:12

Well I wouldnt be doing it nicely I am afraid.

It would be a massive row followed by a total down tools concerning him. If he is so well rested then the can do his own cooking, cleaning and washing.

Seriously, go on strike and say that you will only resume normal duties when you get your lie ins and not before.

Selfish arsehole Angry

HSMM · 02/01/2011 10:13

My DH likes his lie ins and then cannot understand why I don't want 'cuddles' at midnight. I have just made it clear that cuddles are available in the morning, when I'm awake Grin.

Having said that, he does do housework and will get up and let me have a lie in sometimes too.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 10:22

I wouldn't have married a selfish arse like this, much less had children with him. And if by some mistake I had, he wouldn't be around for long. One less person to clean up after.

malachysmum · 02/01/2011 10:22

Has he had a day looking after your DS, because if he hasn't I think it might be time for you to visit some sick relative and leave them for the day one Saturday...

Original poster
ChablisLover · 02/01/2011 10:24

he has said I can have a lie in but sure you don't do lie ins and would be up anyway!

HE also complains that I don;t wake him up so I shouldn;t be annoyed. I say he is 38 years old and should realise it himself.

Lovemygirls - I lost 2 stone at slimmimg world and although I have put on a couple of pounds over christmas I have stayed more or less the same weight - I think i have put on 4 pounds since I reached my target weight in July! He on the other hand is eating me out of house and home and says when are we starting on a diet.

He really is a selfish arse but he can;t see it - he thinks as i work part time I should be a housewife - Hate that term - I really do - no disrespect to those who consider them housewifes or SAHM - but I don't like that term. I worked long and hard to get my qualifications and if it wasn't for me wanting to spend time with DS - who is busy trying to dismantle a train set at the mo with a large crane - I would be the one earning more than him!

He thinks he does me a favour but looking after our son once a week while I go to an exercise class.

He really has had it too easy - OMG was posting to calm down but am getting worked up!

And I'll not even tell you what he did on NYE that is quietly bubbling underneath everything else!

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 02/01/2011 10:29

He sounds selfish and lazy.

Need to explain that you also like lie ins, as well. And that the tidying is for you to share, as is care of your child at the weekend.

I don't really like lie-ins but I do like going to the gym so our agreement is that DH looks after the DC while I go to the gym. In terms of tidying, he often takes the older 2 DC somewhere whilst the baby sleeps and I tidy up - my choice for it to be that way around - say you'll be happy to tidy if you get one lie-in a week, and he looks after your DS taking him out for the day.

As for your weight, well thats up to you, personally i hate being overweight but would not appreciate DH complaining about it, but happy for him to support me in my diet (which basically means i haven't cooked for him in months)

Original poster
ChablisLover · 02/01/2011 10:33

Yip he does

Am away to wake him up so he can go and see his mum - which we have to do en famuilie!

MUMNWLondon - am happy with weight - size 10 now - worked hard to get here - but have, like all, indulged over the holiday but am now ready to start again.

I think the time is coming that I get some time on my own - DS is 4 and hates being dragged round the shops and would rather be with his dad.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/01/2011 10:34

I'd go back to work FT, put your son in nursery, get a flat and apply for legal separation.

I have zero patience for selfish, lazy adults who chose to procreate.

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2011 10:36

Well done for losing 2 stone - and keeping it off is so hard as well so only putting 4lbs on esp over xmas as well is fantastic! He sounds like dead weight, I'd say it's time for him to shape up or ship out if he can't see and be proud of how well you have done in life!

countless · 02/01/2011 10:40

sorry but your dh is taking the piss and you're letting him! and you want to break this to him softly so as not to annoy him? are you aware thia is 2011? do you want this example of family roles for your ds too?
if you can complain on here you can tell dh too!
i am pretty much a dictator in my house and sometimes get annoyed that i have to instruct and manage everyone but rather that than do everything myself. sort it out woman!

OhCobblers · 02/01/2011 11:13

very sad for you.

have lost count of how many times i've read threads like this on MN, but particularly, over the Xmas / NY period - have just read the thread about the DH who acts like an arse for days, before going away with mates every 2-3 months .................

i can't begin to contemplate living with a man like this. really don't want to sound like i'm bragging but my DH would never ever think that this was acceptable behaviour.
ref: weight, even at my largest post pregnancy he was always supportive with how i looked and with my weight loss - always saying how beautiful i was (i didn't believe a word of it Smile but good for the soul to hear it).

please, do something about it. don't just vent on MN which so many do - actually change it - for your own good and that of your DS.

MumNWLondon · 02/01/2011 11:18

Chablis: oh, re: weight, wow, you've done really well, and normal to put on a bit over the winter, I'm sure you'll loose it IF you want to.

I also work part-time (3 days) and have 3 DC. DH was also keen to have the DC, and I explained esp before DC2 and DC3 that to have 3 DC he'd have to do his share of house stuff and looking after them. To be fair to him he did all the night wakings (occasional) whilst I was pregnant. FWIW Dh works quite long hours in quite a stressful job.

DH understands that at the weekend we share everything - childcare, tidying, etc. On days I don't work I do errand type stuff, which is find as DD and DS1 at school and DS2 a baby. My job is less hours so I always get home for 6.30pm (when nanny leaves). But don't start on dinner until after DC all in bed.

I think best way is to have discussion with him saying you don't think current set-up is fair on you - why is it always you to get up at 6.30am????? Did he not want to have children.

Original poster
ChablisLover · 02/01/2011 11:49

Apparently my fault I didn't get him up and if I wanted a lie in to say at the time. He now thinks I have spent money I don't have Cos I am in bad form. Omg need to sort this out. Not far on me or son. Think my fault for disappointing him over mummy and daddy time! I said I would do it and fell asleep instead!
Need to say something

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 02/01/2011 12:46

how about sitting down and setting out together how you both think the weekend should be - schedule in everything.... from waking up, looking after your ds, cleaning, preparing food to going to sleep. can do the same for mornings before work and evenings afterwards. do it on pretext that you want to have "time" with him, but don't want to be too tired.

alarm clocks and are not allowed to get up until 7am during week and 8am at weekend (ds, 4) has sticker about hour number.

mamas12 · 02/01/2011 16:06

Chablis take control of your life today and start this year off the way you should live. You sound exhausted and of course you're not getting time together you can't if you feel resentful.

Really sit him down and explain

Lie ins to be shared it doesn't matter what he says about them. He can decide if he wants the sat or the sun he can't have both.(Although I would do the Sat first to see if he sticks to it)

How can you bear to take a 4 yr old shopping? Leave him with his own father from now. No discussion just Right have to go buy xx now see you at xx o'clock bYE

I am sure sure you can equally do a case for him to pull his weight about the house while you are both there.

How much me time you both equally get?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/01/2011 16:13

Dp tried getting stroppy with me once, so I cooked up his fave meals for a week or so, he'd come home, nose twitching with anticipation to be faced with the raw ingredients waiting for him in the fridge Xmas Grin

Seriously, would not put up with that shite on a regular basis, he needs to get it sorted or you need to do something drastic

classydiva · 02/01/2011 16:14

If he gets up early in the week surely it is obvious he will want a lie in on the weekend and holidays.

Lots of mums have children that are young, but sorry having been there myself with two it is not hard to keep a place spotless with children in tow.

So having a messy home with just one kid is no excuse.

Megletitsnow · 02/01/2011 16:32

Yanbu. Are you married to my XP?

We ended up at relate as xp refused to help and insisted on staying in bed then would appear wondering what fun things we were going to do for the weekend? Which was generally tidying up the house as DS would have caused chaos in the week.

If he won't discuss it try and get him to go to relate as it might sink in. He is a lazy sod.

NinkyNonker · 02/01/2011 17:43

Classydiva, when does the OP get a break from her 0630 wake ups then? And why is the state of the house solely her responsibility?

Chandon · 02/01/2011 17:43

in the morning, make tea for you and DH, let DS get into bed too, and have tea together and wake up together.

Start the day as you mean to go on:together.

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