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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my hubby should get up out of his bed

82 replies

ChablisLover · 02/01/2011 09:58

Hubby thinks it is his right to have a lie-in at weekends, holidays etc.

If I try to get him up earlier we have unholy arguments.

He then complains about everything from the state of the house to his dinner being cold to me putting on weight! And that was just yesterday!

He says the house is a mess - is v hard to tidy up with DS in toe - i find it v stressful as he basically comes behind and messes it up again. Also, would love to tidy up my bedroom but it is difficult with someone lying in "state" until after 10!

He then expects me to spend mummy & daddy time together but when I fall asleep on sofa and decline this lovely offer he gets annoyed. I am the one who is up at half six everyday with DS and the one who does all the work in the house whereas he sleeps to after ten and then isn't tired when I am shattered.

I think I am becoming just a tad resentful but would really like some help and advice as to how to deal with this in a softly softly catchee monkey style as i don't want more arguments.

OP posts:
Watersign76 · 02/01/2011 23:17

Oh dear.

Agree with other posters; talk to him at a calm time and importantly write down what is agreed - so there is evidence. I have found that being very specific and clear about what "managing DS clothes" means is the key - no room for misunderstandings! Maybe have ideal senario in your mind and also what you are prepared to accept before you talk to him.

Is it also worth thinking about how you split your money? You are both seeing your money as "yours", which then reinforces the idea that he earns "most of the money".

We take the joint spending (inc nursery & DS costs) away from joint income and then split the remainder equally. It isn't for everyone, but for us it is easier and feels fair.

Good luck.

OTTMummA · 03/01/2011 00:23

Everything you have just said about your husband OP makes me feel physically sick.
How on earth do you live with him?
What a vile man!
Do you think he would ever take any points on that have been mentioned here?
He sounds deluded and ungrateful, and other things that i shouldn't probably say.
( anymore swearing and i will have to get another jar )

MummyNoLuck · 03/01/2011 00:55

Yeh my DF lie's in till bout 11 every sat and sun...cos he's been at work all week, dont matter that Im up before him every morning during the week to make sure he gets up in time for work whilst stressing myself out trying to get the kids ready for school. But they are entitled to it aint they, cos they 'earn' the money Wink
He always offers to give me a lie in, but he can never get himself out of his pit when it comes to it, then he has the cheek to moan that I let him sleep in to late,he's a very heavy sleeper so me yelling up the stairs every ten minutes dosent make any difference.
YANBU

Original poster
ChablisLover · 03/01/2011 09:32

well the discussion went well - not.

I was accused of bringing the things up after the fact and if i have a problem with it i should mention it at the time - tried to say the times I do all hell breaks loose.

So I was accused of being a nasty piece of work and a vindictive so and so.

Nice isn't he? He shouted at me so much - i tried to stay calm and not raise my voice that he woke up DS - again that was my fault.

Told him I just wanted to be respected for what I do do and he laughed - what exactly do you do?

SOmetimes I think DS and I would be better off without him. He actually spent more time at the wedding talking to my friends DS (whose uncle was getting married) than his own child. I did mention this and i was told that that was a lie.

Told him I wanted a lie in this morning and he said people who want a lie in are usually in bed. At this stage I was vindictive again.

Asked him if he could take the christmas tree down - he said yes - i asked could he do it now - he said he would do it later - later usually means about half four!

Yes on strike and then we'll see what our next step is

OP posts:
ManateeEquineOhara · 03/01/2011 09:53

I agree that you and your DS would be better off without him. He sounds horrible and manipulative.

monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 11:25

Apart from the laziness is also sounds really nasty and quite scary!

I was going to suggest that you write him a list eg:

Number of lie-ins DH had since DC born = 420

Number of lie-ins DM had since DC born = 0/2/8 etc

Hours DH works a week = 35

Hours DM works looking after DC,DH and house a week = 112

Hours HD gets in bed a week = 64

Hours DM gets in bed a week = 40

Could also include meals produced by both of you/hours doing cleaning (his would be 0 in both cases I assume)etc etc.

After reading your most recent post though I don't think it would make the slightest bit of difference as he just isn't interested in fairness at all. . . I would probably still do it though.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 03/01/2011 12:28

He sounds a really nasty piece of work. I would be telling him to change his tune or leave.

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 03/01/2011 12:40

I think you have some serious decisions to make. I personally couldn't live like that.

clam · 03/01/2011 13:03

So, what are his good points?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 13:09

Imagine your life without this piano case excuse of a person on your back.

As you work PT, you'll get plenty of tax credits as a lone parent, plus working tax credits as a lone parent, and of course, Child Benefit.

Try looking at 'market rent' flats or houses by Googling your local housing associations. That way they'll take your income from benefits into account as well as your earnings and accept any housing benefit you are eligible for.

You won't have to worry about anymore anger from this twunt, his 'lie-ins' or cleaning up his mess. Your house will be much tidier without him messing it up.

Imagine the peace and less stress.

That would do it for me.

SharkSlayer · 03/01/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 13:17

He sounds truly disgraceful.

I'd be out of there with DS like a shot. Or he'd be out of there. Or something. Anything that means you don't have to tolerate the lazy and selfish behaviour from this asshole anymore.

How dare he talk to you like that?!

Original poster
ChablisLover · 03/01/2011 13:38

He tells me he would get the house if I leave as he has paid all the bills. And if I leave with da he would stop me from seeing him when the courts give him custody. Plus he thinks I need mental health help! Spent the morning cleaning his precious house so it is spotless and created many bags of rubbish! Unfortunately he's not in one of them!

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 03/01/2011 13:43

That is bollocks CL. Get some advice from a solicitor.

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 13:43

OMG, he would neither get the house nor custody, is he fucking insane?

Honestly, and I don't say this often on here, I think you need to start making plans to leave this marriage.

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 13:44

Btw, in case it isn't obvious, his words are meant to control you within the marriage, rather than push you out of it. Don't let him win this.

mamas12 · 03/01/2011 13:57

Oh dear that is from the predictable script of the emotionally abusive bully show.

Please look up the wheel of abuse on google and take a look at your life.

He is talking shite and trying to intimidate you.

Shimmerysilverglitterybaubles · 03/01/2011 13:58

He is abusive. I have a book called "Living with The Dominator" you will find your H in it. I know this because he sounds exactly like my ex and he was in there, the abuse type was "the king of the castle". Get that book if you can. My ex used to do and say everything you have described in this thread, he won't change btw, men with such a deep rooted sense od entitlement rarely do. Get that book.

Shimmerysilverglitterybaubles · 03/01/2011 13:59

He is abusive. I have a book called "Living with The Dominator" you will find your H in it. I know this because he sounds exactly like my ex and he was in there, the abuse type was "the king of the castle". Get that book if you can. My ex used to do and say everything you have described in this thread, he won't change btw, men with such a deep rooted sense od entitlement rarely do. Get that book.

ManateeEquineOhara · 03/01/2011 14:19

This is starting to sound like my vile abusive ex. He said that I will be the one to leave because he pays the bills. It went downhill from there. He wont get anything, he is being a total twat, and it really does sound like the best thing you could do is leave him. Is there somewhere you could go? Not that you should have to be the one to leave the house as you are being perfectly reasonable whereas he is being a manipulative bully.

Gemsy83 · 03/01/2011 14:19

Is anyone else a bit Hmm about this wave of terrible husbands/partners cropping up at the moment? And also rather Hmm at what some people tolerate in their relationship?

ManateeEquineOhara · 03/01/2011 14:24

Not a bit Hmm but a bit :(

This time of year is when many DV situations get worse.

Gemsy83 · 03/01/2011 14:27

Just seems theres been no end of these type of threads of late, and some women seem so meek regarding it. However I know im lucky as my DF would never dream of behaving the way some womens OH's on here do and he would be thoroughly ashamed of himself if he did.

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 03/01/2011 14:36

Hmm is totally the wrong emoticon there Gemsy, it implies that you don't believe the OP. It is sad and shocking that there are so many submissive women, but disbelief isn't helpful.

Gemsy83 · 03/01/2011 14:39

Not disbeliving at all just worried.

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