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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this child has a right to know his true heritage.

55 replies

candykat · 31/12/2010 16:18

I have namechanged for this.

I foster two siblings on a long term basis.
This may sound crazy but when they first came to me I had doubts about who the boys father was. This was because when I was pregnant my midwife noticed my husband has a double crown. She told me that a double crown was the only genetic trait that is always inherited and that ds would have one. When he eventually grew hair he had a double crown, as does fil.

Anyway I don't know if her theory is true but I noticed that the boy had a double crown but his father and sister did not. As I had a good relationship with SW I mentioned this. She confirmed that there had been doubts and the mother had originally wanted a DNA test. After she and the second man involved were beaten up by the alleged father she withdrew her consent for DNA testing.

That was two years ago. I have since learnt that it is commonly accepted by the family and friends that child is not the birth son of this man.

So:
Mother and alleged father are back together in a very violent relationship.

Child has contact with the man he knows as his father.

Child is very scared of man, doesn't like going to contact and often says his daddy is a bad man.

I think the child has a right to know that this man isn't his birth father. I believe it will come out one day anyway as so many people know. And I think it would be less harmful if it is done in a kind and controlled way.
SS are not keen to open a can of worms which will probably result in more violence towards the mother and could be upsetting for both siblings.

So thank you if you have got this far and what do you think?.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 31/12/2010 16:23

I think who the father is or isn't is none of your business.

If the child doesn't like going to contact (is this supervised or unsupervised?), and presumably there is a court order re contact, then CAFCASS need to get involved and re-assess whether or not contact is in his best interests. If he doesn't have contact is irrelevant whether the man is the father or not.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 16:27

Maybe eventually, but how old is the child now? You woudl feel horrible if the mother was further abused by the "father" though because of this.

If you wanted to find out yourself you could get a home dns kit to test the children against eachother so as to let the child know when they are an adult? WHat do you knwo about the biological father though? could he also be abusive?

canyou · 31/12/2010 16:28

Sorry if this sounds blunt but do not get involved. You need to protect and care for the children within the remit of the current family. The truth may eventually come out but it is not for you to open that can of worms.
We foster 3 dc [siblings] the youngest dc is not the biological son of the Dad but he acknowledges all 3 as his DC and will eventually get custody of all of them, DP and I feel that all 3 dc are a unit they look out for one another and it is not for us to put a divide there knowing could do more harm then good.

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 16:30

I know a pair of brothers who thought they shared the same Dad and were cared for by their grandmother. It came out when one of them was mid teens that the father was not his father, and therefore the grandmother who had brought him up was also not a blood relation. He was absolutely devastated and went completely off the rails. I think it is much worse when it comes out later, but SS need to be the ones who sort this out. Can you keep putting pressure on them, in the interests of the child and not just the mother. Sounds like the relationship between mother and 'father' won't last long anyway. Get it on record, and then push again if there is another break up. I can see that you care for these kids and want the best for them. You are NOT poking your nose into something that is none of your business. But don't tell him yourself.

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 16:30

Huh? Neither me nor her father nor our parents has a double crown but my middle daughter does. I think that theory is a bit flawed.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 16:30

Also I think Georgiamama was a bit harsh saying it is none of your business.

WHos business is it? The child's. And as the Op is being parent to the children because the parents won't be I can understand her interest.

Good for you for fostering OP as well. I would love to but can't convince DH :(

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 16:31

I mean either set of parents, not that my daughter's father and I share parents. Although I am from Norfolk.

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 16:32

I think you need some actual evidence before you give this any more thought really.

Georgimama · 31/12/2010 16:33

It is not the OP's place to play Miss Marple about this family's genetic make up and the suggestion that she get a home DNA test is bordering on criminal. If SS found out she did such a thing I'm sure the children would be taken away.

How is she going to get a sample from the father anyway?

The fallout from the difficult contact is her business, but the parentage isn't. Hence why I suggested the problem be tackled by addressing the problematic contact head on, rather than by trying to stop it by a big reveal that the nasty man isn't dad anyway.

onimolap · 31/12/2010 16:33

If there has been no DNA test, then paternity has not been established and you could cause all sorts of problems by going down that route [do you have the MW's explanation of the "double crown", because inevitable heritability even of a dominant trait is not in line with standard Mendelian theory].

I would leave it to SS. Do you have any reason to think they are not already aware of all factors?

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 16:37

georgimama I think it is my business because this child will live with me until adulthood when he is ready to leave. He will be part of my family for the rest of his life. I want what is best and right for him.

theevildead2 He is a very young 6. I don't think he would understand if told now. I wouldn't do a home dna test now but would considor it if he hears rumours and wants it himself when he is older. I really believe this will come out anyway so I think SS should be prepared for it.

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 16:38

The children could be tested against eachother. It would not confirm that he was or was or was not the father but would confirm if they shared a father.

I'm not sure if it is her place or not to find out, but as she IS THE PARENTS I think it is her place to decide if she should or not. And like I said she should wait until the child is an adult before she says anything which means SS would not be able to remove children from her anyway

Georgimama · 31/12/2010 16:39

This is called AIBU, love. I think you are. Don't post in this section if you want ringing endorsement.

monkeyflippers · 31/12/2010 16:39

I saw the program on telly where this was discussed and yes they did say that it is impossible to have a double crown if your dad doesn't have one. I thought this was all very interesting until I realised that my Dh has a double crown but his dad doesn't . . . I know what you are thinking but it is impossible as they look identical. There is absolutely no way that he is not his dad so it makes me wonder if this is always accurate.

From what you have said though if there were already doubts about the childs dad and everyone seems to think he is not the dad then I would imagine he isn't. Don't know what you should do about it though. Probably listen to SS when they say they are concerned about further violence and don't go telling the child yourself or anything!

It's sad that those children have that man in their life.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 16:40

Sounds like you have a good plan candykat,
FWIW I think it what you do is up to you as you are basically these children's mother (within the ss rules anyway!).

Good luck to you

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 16:43

Thanks lovepink I have often wondered if the Midwives theory was true, seems not Grin.

SS are aware that the alleged father is probably not the father. They are aware of who is. They are just not keen to do anything about it.

I just think it is so wrong that this child grows up believing this man who he is so scared of to be his father.

I would never tell him myself though.

OP posts:
droves · 31/12/2010 16:45

Double crown ? DH has one . 3 of his five children have them.
RUBBISH THEORY.

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 31/12/2010 16:45

That double crown thing can't be true. My Ex has a double crown, it is an absolute pita to him as it makes haircuts a nightmare. Neither of our children have inherited his double crown.

And tbh I really don't think it's your business.

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 16:52

You are a foster carer, not his parent so you don't have a right to interfere, sorry. I do empathise but surely if his father is violent, SS should supervise contact?

And I have a double crown and neither of my parents do, neither does my DS so that theory a load of cobblers (as someone else said)

Ephiny · 31/12/2010 16:53

Genetics is not usually that simple, especially for something complex and non-binary like hair growth patterns. I really wouldn't assume or do anything based on that!

If this man is violent and frightens the child, then that is the problem, their biological relationship has nothing to do with it IMO and really doesn't matter. For example if they were not biologically related but the 'father' was a good person and a good partner to the boy's mother, and wanted to be a dad to him, then surely it would be fine. But in this case it sounds like he would be better off not having contact whether they're related or not.

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 16:54

georgimama I'm not your love Grin
I don't want ringing endorsments. I have posted in the right place. Part of my job is to advocate for the child. I do believe that if possible everyone has the right to be aware of their true heritage. I care very much for this child and I really don't want to see him hurt.

I just wanted opinions and I'm getting them. Quite happy to accept I am U if thats what people think.

OP posts:
Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 16:56

Contact is always supervised

OP posts:
moondog · 31/12/2010 16:58

What exactly is a double crown?
I've never been sure really.

Fiddledee · 31/12/2010 16:59

I have a double crown, DD doesn't, DS does. Do nothing.

droves · 31/12/2010 17:00

moondog it is the funny way the hair grows at the crown of the head.

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