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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this child has a right to know his true heritage.

55 replies

candykat · 31/12/2010 16:18

I have namechanged for this.

I foster two siblings on a long term basis.
This may sound crazy but when they first came to me I had doubts about who the boys father was. This was because when I was pregnant my midwife noticed my husband has a double crown. She told me that a double crown was the only genetic trait that is always inherited and that ds would have one. When he eventually grew hair he had a double crown, as does fil.

Anyway I don't know if her theory is true but I noticed that the boy had a double crown but his father and sister did not. As I had a good relationship with SW I mentioned this. She confirmed that there had been doubts and the mother had originally wanted a DNA test. After she and the second man involved were beaten up by the alleged father she withdrew her consent for DNA testing.

That was two years ago. I have since learnt that it is commonly accepted by the family and friends that child is not the birth son of this man.

So:
Mother and alleged father are back together in a very violent relationship.

Child has contact with the man he knows as his father.

Child is very scared of man, doesn't like going to contact and often says his daddy is a bad man.

I think the child has a right to know that this man isn't his birth father. I believe it will come out one day anyway as so many people know. And I think it would be less harmful if it is done in a kind and controlled way.
SS are not keen to open a can of worms which will probably result in more violence towards the mother and could be upsetting for both siblings.

So thank you if you have got this far and what do you think?.

OP posts:
LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 31/12/2010 17:00

It's like one crown, doubled.

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 17:00

moondog they are a pain, sort of like the start of two partings on crown. Makes the hair stand up.

OP posts:
moondog · 31/12/2010 17:01

I'm going to google...

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 17:01

moondog - instead of you having a point in the middle of the top of your head that all the hair pings out of, you have two, one on either side. It's a real pita to be honest - means that you can never get a lot of height in your hair because there's a flat bit in the middle.

Anyway OP, I see you say there is supervised contact. I'm glad to hear that and it does mean that he isn't likely to come to harm. But it up to you to tell him really.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 17:01

I had to have DH explain it to me- I've only ever seen them on guinea pigs...

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 31/12/2010 17:02

I think it would be opening up a whole new massive can of worms for an already divided and dysfunctional family. If the child has a different father, then the mother may well have her own, very good reasons for not saying anything. A violent husband would be more than enough to keep me quiet.

And you don't know how that child was conceived either. I can't be the only one who knows a woman who was held down by her husband whilst his best friend raped her. Sadly, the truth is not always the best option.

DeidreBarlow · 31/12/2010 17:03

DS has a double crown, DH/FIL/DD/Me have one...I am certain DH is the father due to the fact he is the only one I slept with.

YABU, do nothing.

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 17:03

I don't want people to think I would do anything based on the double crown thing. Clearly my midwife was wrong. She's retired now but hope her theory didn't cause any trouble.

OP posts:
DeidreBarlow · 31/12/2010 17:03

That should be DH/FIL/DD/Me DO NOT have one

droves · 31/12/2010 17:07

that makes more sense deirdrebarlow Wink

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 17:10

sarah it was an affair.

Think this has all gone a bit off track what with the double crown thing.

I can see how people would think it's none of my business. My question was does the child have a right to know his true heritage. I have no intention of telling him myself but it will come out one day because so many people seem to know anyway.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 17:11

Yes moondog. It's really annoying.

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 17:12

Aren't something like 25% of children not actually the biological children of their 'fathers' anyway?

I'm sure it will come out one day OP and I can see you have the best of intentions but I don't think it's your place to tell him. Sounds horrible though, poor kid.

Do you know if his 'real' father is any better than the one he thinks is his though?

earwicga · 31/12/2010 17:15

I think that the most important part of your OP is this:

'SS are not keen to open a can of worms which will probably result in more violence towards the mother and could be upsetting for both siblings.'

Concentrate on that and you know that you should keep your mouth shut and your suspicions back in the box.

Littlefish · 31/12/2010 17:16

I agree with your sentiment that children should, at an appropriate time, know and understand their heritage. However, this needs to be handled with the utmost sensitivity, and led by trained professionals who can offer appropriate ongoing support alongside foster carers/adoptive parents.

However, I think that basing your evidence on a double crown is silly.

I think you need to raise this again with SS if you feel that it is better for the boy's emotional security and development if the issue of his paternity is explored and resolved in the short term, rather than when he is older and more emotionally mature.

Littlefish · 31/12/2010 17:17

Sorry - posted too soon.

I meant to say...

However, if SS disagree with you, then you need to let the matter drop and just do your best to provide a loving and supportive home for this boy.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 31/12/2010 17:24

Re the double crown thing my dd has one, dh does not, MY brother does believe me it is dh who is the father Grin

onimolap · 31/12/2010 17:24

The double crown business is relevant because it's being interpreted as evidence of non-paternity.

Monkeyflippers: what you heard may well be right, but it's not what was described in OP. If double crown is a dominant gene, then a dc child must have a dc parent. But 2 dc parents can produce a non-dc child. If it's a non-binary trait, as Ephiny posted, then neither example necessarily applies. I suspect the MW's statement may be wrong.

This would leave NO firm evidence on paternity, a delicate family situation, SS already closely involved, and real fears of violence to the mother of the 2 children at the heart of it all.

Candykat: you're doing a wonderful thing for these children. I really don't think it would be in their interests for you to "open the can of worms"

veritythebrave · 31/12/2010 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 31/12/2010 17:42

If the child is only six, how do you know he's going to be with you until he's an adult? Anything could happen between now and then that enables the boy to return to his family.

I do think he has a right to know, but I don't think as a Foster carer it's your business...though I do understand how it might be a difficult thing for you to come to terms with.

As for the double crown myth...Google really is your friend Grin

Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 17:43

Thank you onimolap that makes sense.

I really am not basing my theory on the double crown that would be silly. I mentioned the theory to a SW two years ago in a jokey way. She then confirmed that there are questions about who is the father. I then forgot about it for two years, but during this time and most recently last week I have heard several people (including the child's GM) confirming that father is not the person child calls daddy.

I am going to speak to SS again as child has a new SW who may not be aware of all this. If the second man is the father then the child in my care has a half brother. I will then leave it up to SS to decide what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
candykat · 31/12/2010 17:47

mutznutz for many reasons the children will never return to their mother. They will be with us until adulthood. We have been asked to take a special guardianship out which we will probably do.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 31/12/2010 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

earwicga · 31/12/2010 17:51

I think your last post makes a big difference to all this candykat. If the child is scared of the man and he is never going to be returned to him then there is no point keeping up the charade (if he's not the natural parent). Good luck with it all.

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